Cancer Jiles Biography

Cancer Jiles was born on April 20th, 1982. He hails Philadelphia, a fact that he is certainly proud of. His parents were hippies of an acid trip sort, thus where his different name originates from.

Every single second of Cancer's life has been absolutely meaningless. That is, up until the moment he was baptized in COOL waters and born anew. The exact date of when this life changing event actually occurred, just so happens to be etched in the bottom of a glass bong. Sadly, said bong has been missing for quite sometime now. It’s named De Leon.

There is a reward.

Anyway.

After transforming into the OG Crypt Keeper/D.D.S./God of COOLYMPUS, Cancer thought it best to wear sunglasses AWL OV TEH GAWD DAMM TEIM. Jet black, mirror tinted T-shades to be precise, with the "T" standing for: Terminator Skull Fucker XXXtremely Limited They Live Edition.*

In order to keep up appearances as the self proclaimed, "The Most COOLEST Man in the Universe", Cancer figured it’s probably a solid given that only one as COOL as he have absolute perfect ten hair. So, when getting out of the shower, swimming pool, air-tunnel or volcano -- it does not matter what or which or who or scope of the natural disaster...

...The Crown Prince of COOLSYLVANIA's baby blond, surfer golden, perfectly styled, manicured and stuccoed hair equals PRISTINE.

That’s the mentality anyways.

The Philly native also developed a fine taste for clothes following his rebirth. Before being doused, it was swoosh pants and hoodies for "The Heir of all Things COOL". Now though, it’s designer fabrics, exquisite snakeskin shoes and silk underwear that START Cancer’s high fashion sense.

Speaking of high, and sense... one of the habits Jiles carried with him through his transformation into the COOLEST man alive was smoking da reefer. Although, "getting baked" was now justified as legal and mandatory since he had to smoke his brains out in order to deal with the Mongo* migraine he had developed.

Now that I've told you a little bit about the man, how about I tell you a bit about his legend.

After spending four hundred and twenty days inside of a hyperbolic chamber -- honing his COOL -- naturally, Cancer emerged and decided to become a professional wrestler. His career, which dates back to the early 2000’s, really started to pick up steam in 2008. He was wrestling for Dream Wrestling at the time, and along with fellow wrestler and tag team partner, Doozer, started a stable called the Egg Bandits.

As far as in things go, they were it.

Then, one day, the two Bandits brought their own brand of *enthusiasm* to Defiance during its inaugural season.

They were not welcomed with open arms.

Things happened. The fallout from which was seemingly catastrophic.

Much to everyone’s chagrin, Cancer returned to Defiance towing a bag of sand as a greeting card while the Season One finale was set to go off air. After his unexpected return, Cancer participated in the Defiance Rumble, a match to be held on the Season Two premiere.

The Rumble match became the rock bed for the bitter feud between Cancer Jiles and Jeff Andrews. In controversial fashion, Cancer won, eliminating Andrews when he thought he was victorious.

Till this day, their debt remains unsettled.

Then, after that, there was Summer Games, and eggs and ladders and riots and homelessness and vacations to the Bermuda Triangle. There was Money for Nothing and COOL for Free. There was Jiles/Andrews 1 - 71. There was Cancer’s hand being shattered into a thousand pieces by a large black man with a moustache, which, as it turns out, was the cause behind his COOLtanium effect.**

They say that Cancer Jiles might not survive a nuclear war... but his COOLtanium plated hand will.

(And prob his shades and hair.)

The rest, is still being written.

______________


*The sunglasses enable Cancer to spot Mongoloids who may or may not be hiding amongst the rough. Being the Big Game Mongo Hunter that he is, the T-shades are essential in his quest to strike out Mongolism.

**Boston Bancroft remodeled Cancer’s hand with a baseball bat. After undergoing numerous surgeries from TOP doctors, all of which that were funded by former tag team partner Edward White, Cancer's hand was reconstructed out of an unbreakable surface said to mined from the deepest depths of COOLYMPUS itself.
 

 

 

 

He's the COOLEST person around, and he knows it. 

1. Titanium forged hand.
2. Extremely durable, as in he can take a beating with the best of them.
3. Surprisingly athletic. 

1. Takes unneeded chances.
2. Not a great mat wrestler by any means.
3. Tendency to bleed like a stuck pig.