Ned Reform Biography

Quotes

• Defiance, disobedience, â€�"sticking-it-to-the-man”? These are the qualities of a CHILD. An angry adolescent who does not yet possess both the intelligence or mental maturity to navigate a complex world. To be defiant is a child-like cry for help Grown adults don’t defy. Grown adults debate, reason, and compromise. To proudly proclaim yourself as defiant is to admit that your development has been stunted. It is to exclude yourself from adult conversations because your prefrontal cortex has not matured enough for you to exist in civilized society.
• Now with all this mind - what does it mean when a wrestling promotion refers to itself as DEFIANCE? In all capital letters, no less? Does it mean that an entire promotion full of professional athletes is proud to be trapped in an endless cycle of juvenile nonsense? Does it mean that they run a television show appealing to the lowest common denominator? A roster full of adult-sized children idiotically touting their bold disobedience? Does it mean any of that?
• It’s time for DEFIANCE... to grow up.
• How deranged, how demented, how indoctrinated does a fanbase have to be to refer to itself as â€�"The Faithful”? It’s telling. You see, the fans of DEFIANCE, the maladjusted mutants from New Orleans, are not fans at all. They are a cult. A brainwashed contingent of emotionally stunted imbeciles cheering on nonsense. They worship mediocrity. They make heroes out of scoundrels and fools.
• For three years, I have been on a crusade against this cesspool of a company. And now - FINALLY - I will stand across the ring from the very man who personifies everything wrong with DEFIANCE. Tonight, I fight this company - and its knuckle-dragging fanbase - in human form. This is as close as I will ever get to physically punching DEFIANCE in the head, Ms. Zane, and to say I am prepared is an understatement. One might say… I was born for this.
• We have, after all, returned to the â€�"great” city of New Orleans. A place most famous for its tendency to get drunk and nude. A city with a whooping 71% graduation rate in its local school system - which seems high until you realize that New Orleans routinely graduates students who are unable to read as evidenced by the quality of the signs here tonight. But why would you care? You don’t need to read to flash your breasts for beads though, do you? And the most egregious offense of all: New Oreleans birthed this ignorant, aggressively stupid, childish excuse for a company. Yes, children, it is fitting - DEFIANCE was born from a decrepit landfill full of ignorant swamp-folk, and for its 200th episode it returns to the black hole of civilization from whence it came.
• Do you even recognize DEFIANCE, Mr. Douglas? You are the product of a bygone age. A relic. This is the NEW DEFIANCE, Mr. Douglas. And while YOU are the personification of everything wrong with the past, the DEFIANCE of 2024 is forward-thinking. Innovative. Classy. And most importantly, no longer led by drowned sewer rats. No, Mr. Douglas, there is one man at the head of this new and improved DEFIANCE: Doctor. Ned. Reform. DEFIANCE has a new â€�"favorite son.” And it is I.
• … what happened? What happened? What? Will you not make with that incessant chant? No? Why not? Come on! What was it? I believe it went something like: â€�"BOX IS GOING TO…” what was it? Kill me? Well… It appears the reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, yes?
• You must admit it. I, DOCTOR Ned Reform, am the greatest wrestler in DEFIANCE history. From the day this God forsaken seventh circle of hell opened its opioid-den-esque doors to the last bout contested in this ring… there has NEVER… EVER… been anyone who can measure up to a man of my stature. Do you hear me? No one. AND CHILDREN: if I am lying, if my claim be not anything less than the indisputable truth… well then, may whatever celestial being you believe in STRIKE. ME. DOWN! You hear that!?
• There is one opponent, Mr. Cole. And only one. Someone with whom I have a deep, personal history. Someone who has been a part of my life, albeit a tangential one, for years. Someone with whom I have been locked in a bitter cold war - neither side willing to give an inch. Your classic unstoppable force meets an immovable object scenario. Oh yes. It is all so clear to me. There is only one man whom I will be challenging to a match at DEFCON.......... ELON MUSK!
• Of all the arenas, would you really choose one in Pittsburg? I’m fairly certain that you would contract a venereal disease simply by osmosis here.
• You know, Ms. Zane… I have encountered the charlatans of Las Vegas in THREE different wrestling promotions now. Did you know that? And everytime they are more uncouth than the last. Look around you, Ms. Zane. This barely qualifies as civilization! I hate to say this about anyone, children, but… well, Las Vegas may be beyond all hope. A den of vice and depravity. And seemingly a group of people completely incapable of learning from me. Yes, Las Vegas, as much as it pains me to say it: Dr. Ned Reform officially dubs you… a lost cause.
• Now I know you had your pretty little heart set on conducting this interview here tonight, but I’ve decided to… as the sports fans say… call an audible. I will be taking it from here… your one purpose, per usual, is to stand there and flaunt what I’m told passes for physical attractiveness.
• I do not want Seattle's mediocre. I'm not interested in Seattle's adequate. No, children... I'm looking for... Seattle's Best.