Guerrilla Grindhouse World Tour 07

[DEFIANCE Wrestling is…]

[...a Hulu Plus original presentation!]

[The Guerrilla Grindhouse World Tour continues live, from Athens, Greece, in…]

[3...]

[...2…]

[...1!]

[Go.]
 

[The Defiance theme song blasts over the PA system as the camera pans around the the arena.  Red and silver spotlights whirl around the Maroussi Hall as the fans around the ring bang on the apron in time with the beat of the song.]

[Heidi’s dressed in street clothes.  Since it’s winter and all, that’s a hooded sweatshirt and black snap-sided track pants.  In the ring, she paces.]

Heidi Christenson:
...before I ever got back to Defiance, both Eric Dane and Cito Conarri told me that I could have up to fifteen minutes at the top of the show to say whatever I had to say, to whoever I wanted to say it to.  I don’t think I’ve got quite that much to say, but we’ll see.

[She bites her lower lip as if thinking.  The fans are respectfully quiet, there’s background noise but no yelling or chanting.]

Heidi:
The first thing that I guess everyone wants to know is, what was I thinking during the I Quit match?  

[She smiles and shakes her head.]

Heidi:
Here’s the truth.  I’ve seen the match.  But the last thing I remember is running at Eric Dane while he was lying on the gurney.  That suplex he hit me with, the one where he just rolled off the back of it and dropped me on my head… you know, I remember landing, and I got this weird warm numb feeling all through me.  I don’t know exactly how to describe it.  It was like pain ceased to hurt, even though I could still feel it.  And I just didn’t care.  

Like I said, I’ve seen the match, I’ve watched it often.  While I was trying to rehabilitate my mind and learn to stop flipping out, that match was one of the things we used.  I know what happened.  But I don’t really remember the end of it.  I don’t remember having Dane try to dig my knee tendons out with a fork, I don’t remember him threatening to blind me, I don’t remember trying to eat his hand.  

I remember waking up, in the hospital, with my arms restrained, a patch over my eye, and my mouth full of a funny taste.  

[The fans are quiet.  Angus doesn’t even make a flip remark, although it’s a coin toss as to whether that was out of respect or fear.]

Heidi:
I asked the nurse for toothpaste and dental floss, and while I was cleaning my mouth up, I kept finding shreds of pink and red stuff.  Then I started thinking... no matter how angry someone makes you, if you wake up in a hospital and don’t know how you got there, and then you realize you’re picking human flesh out of your teeth… maaaayyyybe you’ve actually got a problem.

I took a vacation.  After all that, I probably would’ve even if my license to fight hadn’t been revoked. Jeff Andrews and I drove around the United States, visited some of the places we’d wanted to see while we were on tour but didn’t have time to stop for.  For the record, I completely forgive him for dropping me on my head.  And when I got back, I took the mental health examination they needed.

And here’s the hilarious part.

[A smile almost appears on her face.]

Heidi:
According to a trained and licensed medical professional, Tom Sawyer really was that annoying.

And according to a psychotherapist, he was as much of a bully as I was.  Only he used his popularity with the fans to get away with talking all sorts of shit, and I just kicked people and tied them into knots.

And, apparently, indulging in temper tantrums and attacking people for annoying you is a good way to legitimately lose the ability to control your temper.  You’d think that as a wrestler I’d already know how to decide whether to lose my temper or not, but… yeah.  So I worked on that.  I watched the my match with Eric Dane, Tom Sawyer promos, Jimmy Kort attempting to talk, you know, the kind of stuff that made me angry.  And we talked about the ethics of authority.

So let me make this really clear.  

I haven’t forgiven Eric Dane for a god damned thing.

[The boos rumble up as Heidi stares into the distance.]

Heidi:
BUT.  I know how much work running a promotion takes, because I stood next to Jeff while he did it for eight years.  And we went over how when I go after Defiance itself, I’m not just going after Eric Dane.  I’m going after everyone who ever fought here.  Anyone who ever bought a piece of Defiance merchandise that put money in my pocket.

I don’t like him.  But I’m done taking it out on Defiance… and I’m willing to play the game again.

[This time, it’s a smattering of cheers, but Heidi’s not done.]

Heidi:
So that brings me to what comes next.  Dane still wanted to have those reverse bodyguards keep an eye on me. But I didn’t, and Cito convinced him to give me a chance without reverse bodyguards or anything.  So for now… here I am.

What’s next, I don’t know.  

I don’t know whether I’m going to end up righting great wrongs, or stacking the bodies again.  I don’t know what I want to do, I don’t have anyone in particular in mind to go after. My options are wide open.  But I’m ready to start.  So let’s do this.  

[She smiles.]

Heidi:
I’m going to turn around to face the ramp…

rrrrrrraaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!

[She does.]

Heidi:
And offer anyone who’d like to make a name for themselves by taking on a former four time World Champion the chance to do it, right here, right now!

RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[Heidi watches the entrance ramp.  No one comes out.]

boooooo….

Heidi:
No one?  Huh.  Well, let’s just see if this gets anyone’s attention.

[She grabs the hem of her hoodie, pulls it off over her head and drops it to the mat.  Then she grabs the pants, whipping them off her legs and throwing them behind her.]

[She’s wearing her black one piece with the kickguards.]

Heidi:
Come at me, bro!

RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Angus:
YUS!

[Heidi holds the pose as the fans roar and bang on the ring apron.]

[But nothing happens.  No one comes out, no one’s music hits, and after about 15 seconds of dead air the cheers and wolf whistles begin to fade into boos.]

Angus:
Y’know maybe if she pulled down the straps, everyone would know she meant business and something would happen.

DDK:
I… don’t think that’s going to happen, Angus.

Angus:
Well it should.

[Angus pouts.]

[So does Heidi, actually.  She picks up her dropped hoodie and pants.]

Heidi:
I’m disappointed in you, Defiance.

[Tossing her overgarments over her shoulders, Heidi walks up the box ramp and disappears backstage.]

DDK:
Wow.  Angus, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone throw down an open challenge like that and not have it accepted.  If no one else there’s usually some kid who just wants to get his face on TV who’ll take it!

Angus:
Bitch be scary, Keebs!  I mean, is five minutes of TV time worth what might happen if she decides to flip out?  She seemed pretty balanced, but I’ll never be convinced, man, that kind of crazy doesn’t just go away because you take two months off!

DDK:
She’s been a good person for the vast majority of her career, and I’m not convinced that can go away so easily either.  However, since for once we aren’t getting ‘Philly’ with our show, let’s run down the card!  Tonight, in our main event, the Blood Diamonds - that’s Bronson Box and Edward White - take on the team of Sam Turner, Jr. and Eugene Dewey!

Angus:
See, FDJ used to be a Blood Diamond.  Then Dusty Griffith comes back to DEF.  FDJ likes Griffith, won’t beat him up just because Ed White told him to, and so White sold his house or something like that.  I don’t know exactly, it’s Edward fucking White, he’s got more money than God, he can pay reality to warp to his will. But Dusty, in addition to nearly taking the World Title from our champ - who isn’t booked, because fuck him - also brought the good guys together.  Like a less gay version of DefRow.  So STJ and the Euge are taking on Box and White.

DDK:
Speaking of Dusty Griffith, we’ve got him in action as well, against newcomer Stockton Pyre!  Honestly the odds aren’t good for Pyre in this one, but it’s a great opportunity for him, and a good warmup for Griffith facing off against someone who’s close to his own size and strength!  We’ve also got a singles match between Claira St. Sure of the Truly Untouchables and Troy Matthews.

Angus:
Spoilers, Troy dies.  We got the Angel City eXXXpress taking on Lisa Loeh’s new tag team with Roger Stevens and Yoshikazu YAZ, they need a team name, SRS.  We got the next edition of the ongoing battle between Team HOSS and TexMex Holiday, with Aleczander the Great taking on Jimmie Rix.  We’ve got a singles match between the Airship Captain Henry Keyes and the sunglasses-stealing Jonny Booya.

DDK:
And our opening bout, we’re going to start the show off with a title defense!  Southern Heritage Champion Curtis Penn, defends his title against Frank Dylan James.

[And as DDK speaks, the Nuge begins to shred.]

DDK:
Darren DQ Quimbey, take it away!

DDK:
Angus. Angus…

[Both of Angus’ eyes are shut tight, DDK pokes his arm trying to wake him up. It takes “Stranglehold,” by Ted Nugent to have him sit up right; he rubs the sleep out of his eyes.]

Angus:
It’s just FDJ! You could have at least let me sleep through this first match! FDJ and Curtis Penn will only put me back to sleep.

DDK:
The baws wouldn’t like that, it is our job to call the match and this one’s for the Southern Heritage Championship!

Angus:
No, it’s your job to call the match, it’s my job to make fun of these shit burgers. And title match be damned it doesn’t involve any of Team Danger or Lord Cancer of COOL so why can’t I take a cat nap?

[FDJ steps onto the ramp, a stone cold look out over the crowd before making a move. They reach up to touch his battered boots, he instinctively kicks their hands away and grunts as he starts across the ramp.]

Angus:
Hope Dusty Griffith gave him directions towards the ring, Edward White made sure FDJ knew where he was supposed to be even if the oaf didn’t.

DDK:
Dusty wants his friend to be his own man, not treated like a free t-shirt.

Angus:
Puffshaw. I treat all of my free t-shirts like gold. I make sure they get washed at least once a month.

DDK: 
We're going to cut to the back for an interview with Curtis Penn while FDJ makes his way to the ring.

[Curtis Penn stands in the Gorilla Position, watching as the man he is about to beat down Frank Dylan James the mighty Mastodon himself walks awkwardly towards the ring. The champion smiles at his next victim.]

Penn:
Are you looking at this?

[The camera zooms in at FDJ making his way down the aisle.]

Penn:
Are you watching, he’s lost! A complete buffoon! This is the man that Eric Dane has set as a contender for my title? Look at him, he can doesn’t even know where the ring is!

[Curtis turns his head in disgust.]

Penn:
He finally has a pair of shoes, but …

[Curtis squints.]

Penn:
Are they on the wrong foot? Argh.

[Curtis strokes his beard.]

Penn:
Alright… Alright… Here I go.

[The next thing we see is Curtis Penn sprinting towards FDJ and clipping his knees.]
 

DDK:
And Penn from out of nowhere starts in on the big man, taking out his legs before he could make it over the ropes.

Angus:
CHEEAATTTER!

[DDK looks at Angus in shock.]

Angus:
Well he is, he attacked the man before the bell has even sounded.

[Penn continues to stomp on FDJ’s chest and shoulder area as he clutches his throat. With FDJ’s free hand he tries to swipe at Penn’s legs, but Penn just dodges and continues kicking him in the ribs.]

DDK:
Curtis, the Southern Heritage Champion, has decided that this might be the “best” way to take down this large man.

Angus:
Penn’s all talk, he’s a cheap shot artist at best. He knows The Mastodon could chew him up like a piece of gum so he decides to kick the shit out of him with his back turned. Puss bag.

[Finally, FDJ catches a foot of Penn and sends him stumbling over into the crowd. They part and allow Penn to land hard on the floor.  With the breather FDJ rolls into the ring and takes a knee while grabbing his assaulted ribs. ]

DDK:
That was a nasty fall by Penn…

Angus:
Did he break anything?

DDK:
I don’t think so, he’s already back to his feet.

Angus:
How about Frankie? How’s he doin’? Yeah, wrestling… *yawn* lets go team.

[DDK looks over at Angus and notices that his eyes are starting to close again.]

DDK:
WAKE UP AND HELP ME CALL THIS MATCH!

[Angus jolts and almost sends his chair out from under him. ]

Angus:
Alright, alright. FDJ is finally up on his feet.

DDK:
And look at the bruising and swelling already showing on his ribcage. That’s going to hurt later.

[Penn mounts the ramp and FDJ notices him and rushes the ropes, Penn slides underneath the giant and goes for a quick roll up and Mark Shields slides into position.]

1….

2….

DDK:
And a massive kick out by Frank Dylan James, he launched Curtis in the air.

Angus:
Francis tossed him away like an empty PBR!

DDK:
Look at the quickness of the Champion, he’s already on his feet and …

CRACCCKK

[The crowd reacts to Penn connecting with a vicious punt kick to the skull of FDJ!]

Angus:
That no good, cheating, cheap shot artist!

DDK:
Penn with a kick has put Frank out on his knees!

Angus:
That sounded like Pinto backfiring! That would have made Heidi proud!

[Penn standing over FDJ smiling, he pushes him over with his boot and gives a lazy cover, Shields slides in for the count, but FDJ recover and is able to get a shoulder up before Shields slaps the canvas once.]

DDK:
Penn slaps the mat in frustration, he mounts FDJ and is throwing wild punches.

Penn:
JUST!

Penn:
STAY DOWN!

Penn:
FREAK!

[Penn wipes the spit from his mouth and his eyes widen. He stands up and takes a few steps towards the ramp.]

DDK:
FDJ is just smiling… smiling through the blood that is coming from the cut above his eye.

[Angus sits up in his chair.]

Angus:
Now it’s about to get fun, Penn is going to DIE!

[FDJ rushes Penn, but Penn ducks out of the ring and heads up the ramp. He points towards his head telling Frank that he’s smarter than he is.]

DDK:
Oh no, don’t look now, but we have Henry Keyes and Stockton Pyre standing behind Penn as he backs up the aisle. Penn doesn’t realize it, he’s still taunting FDJ!

[Penn’s backward momentum is stopped as he feels with his hands what object is stopping him from leaving the ring area. He turns around, his eyes widen, and he starts to retreat towards the ring.]

DDK:
Penn has just realized that he’s running back towards and angry giant.  He’s starting to weigh his options, Keyes and Pyre or Frank Dylan James!

Angus:
Either one, don’t care BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!

[Penn rushes the two rookies and they start brawling. It doesn’t take too long before they grab Penn by his ring shorts and toss him back into a waiting Frank Dylan James. They walk back to the top of the ramp and wait for FDJ to pick up the pieces. ]

Angus:
It’s payback time! Frank grabs Penn by the throat and throws him into the corner.

DDK:
That’s a nasty headbutt by Frank Dylan James!

[Frank just doesn’t stop with one!]

ENA!

DIO!

TRIA!

[Mark Shields warns FDJ, but backs away when he sees the eyes behind the crimson mask.]

DDK:
He’s just holding Penn in the corner and delivering Headbutt after Headbutt!

TESSERA!

Penta!

EXI!

[FDJ stops to shake the cobwebs from his own brain.]

DDK:
Penn tries to escape, but is thrown back into the corner by FDJ’s left hand! He is just stroooong.

Angus:
FDJ is just pissed! And when he’s pissed he just gets stronger… FRANKIE IS THE STRONGEST THERE IS!

DDK:
Those clubbing forearm blows from Frank have Penn standing on noodles. Penn is standing only by FDJ’s mercy!

[FDJ takes a step back and wipes his face off with his palm and shoves it in the air to a cheering crowd! Penn takes a step or three forward with his fists in a defensive stance before eating the mat.]

RAHHHHHHH

[Mark Shields looks at Frank and tell him to cover him.]

1….

2….

And... 

2.5!

DDK:
Penn kicks out at 2 and a half!

[FDJ reaches down and lifts Curtis onto his shoulders like a sack of potatoes and dumps him on to his head, Penn lays crumpled on the mat. FDJ stands over the champion and begins to stomp a new mud hole into Curtis Penn… and and walks it dry, naturally.]

DDK:
The fans appreciate FDJ’s violence, partner!

Angus:
KILL HIM! FRANKIE, KEEEHHHEEEELLLL HIMMM!

[DDK grabs Angus by the elbow and pulls him back into his chair.]

DDK:
Angus, composure.

Angus:
Kill him. Go Bronson Box all over that little prick.

[Frank goes for another cover.  Sheilds slaps the mat twice before Penn manages a kick out.]

[FDJ drags Penn to his feet and Penn throws a few punches to the midsection of FDJ. This breaks the grip that FDJ had on Curtis and Penn is able to get some separation. ]

DDK:
Penn is starting to show some life !

Angus:
FDJ just pie faced the chump all the way into the corner of the ring.

DDK:
Frank follows Penn, not wanting to give up the momentum.

[Penn reaches up and thumbs the eye of the big man deep and with a little twist, FDJ clutches his eye and screaming in pain. Penn ducks underneath the giant and scrambles out of the ring.]

Angus:
Look at the coward he’s running away! He’s tucking tail and running for the high ground.

DDK:
Not if the crowd can help it, they have the Southern Heritage Champion on their shoulders and crowd surfing him back into the ring!

[Penn is now on the apron and kicking at the fans that stand ringside, throwing a complete and utter tantrum. After one or two more attempts to flee he steps into the ring and Mark Shields confronts him about his tactics.]

DDK:
Mark Shields is dressing Penn up and down about the poke in the eye and it looks like he’s telling him if he pulls something like that one more time he’s done!

[Penn smiles at Sheilds.]

Penn:
Really…

Sheilds:
One more time and you’re outta here!

Penn:
Okay, fine...

[Penn stalks back towards the still blinded Mastodon, taking a few seconds to square up… ]

DDK:
What’s he doing here?

Angus:
Probably doing something shitty to make sure he’s precious title belt doesn't get pawned somewhere in the hills of West Virginia for a “big fancy night out” at IHOP with the missus.

[Penn drives his foot DEEP into the balls of Frank Dy;an James. FDJ immedietly slumps to the mat clutching his groin. Mark Sheilds calls for the bell with a grimace, kneeling down to check on Frank. Penn ducks underneath the ropes with a smile on his face.]

Angus:
Ugh… such bullshit. When will someone finally smack the lips off this mark?

Quimbey:
The winner of this match via Disqualification Frank Dylan James but, STILL YOUR SOUTHERN HERITAGE CHAMPION CURTIS PENN!

Angus:
One of these days, Curtis Penn's mouth is going to write him a check his ass can't cash.  But I'd honestly thought it might be today.

DDK:
It wasn't to be.  But I'm getting word that something's going down in the Truly Untouchables' locker room, so let's go see!

[Backstage in the Truly Untouchables locker room.  Just like Keebs said]

[Kai Scott is sitting in a steel folding chair, leaning back.  It’s not a pose of relaxation.  Rather, it’s one of shock and horror.  Diane Parker stands behind him, both hands on his shoulders.  David Race and Leon Maddox lean against a wall in the back of the room.]

[Since this locker room has a mirror, Jonny Booya is distracted by his own delts and is ignoring the proceedings.]

David Race:
So, sorry if I’m out of line boss, but what’s so scary about Heidi?

Scott:
How much Defiance have you watched?

[Race frowns.]

Race:
Not too much before you hired me to be honest, but I know who she is.  I just don’t get why she’s scarier than Dusty Griffith or Cancer Jiles or, I don’t even know honestly.  What we did to Ty Walker would work on her, wouldn’t it?

Scott:
I tried what we did to Walker on her in 2005.  It didn’t work.  At all.

Race:
Really?

Diane Parker:
Really.  He made me watch it before he’d let me join the Truly Untouchables.  He said he wasn’t going to let me on board if I didn’t know what things might look like if they get really bad.

[Kai Scott shakes his head.]

Scott:
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but all of you - stay the fuck away from Heidi Christenson if at all possible.  She bumps into you in the hall, you apologize. I’ve spent too much time fucking around with karma to risk this shit now.

[Race’s eyebrows go way up.  He looks at Leon Maddox, who shrugs.  Maddox hasn’t the slightest idea what Kai’s talking about, but he’s at least known him long enough to be familiar with the occasional weirdness.]

[Then, there’s a scratching noise outside the door.]

[Kai Scott actually jumps.  When he does, so does everyone else.  Well, except for Booya, who has progressed to being distracted by his pecs.]

Booya:
Dum… dumdumdumdum dum dum, dumdumdumdum dum dum

[Yes, he’s wiggling them in time to the Cancan.  He has no sense of pitch, either.]

Scott:
SHUT THE FUCK UP, JONNY!

[Jonny looks hurt.]

Booya:
What’d I do?

Scott:
Just go find out what the hell’s going on out there.

Booya:
Uh……

Diane:
Jonny, just go.

[Jonny Booya sighs, plods to the door, opens it just enough to stick his head out, and peers down the hallway in either direction.]

Booya:
Nothing out there, boss.

Diane:
Figures… I’m going to go find Claira, if that’s alright Kai?

[Scott waves his hand.  Diane opens the door wide and steps into the hallway.]

Tyrone Walker:
SURPRISE, NIGGA!

[A tsunami of purple liquid descends from the ceiling, directly on top of Diane’s head.]

Diane:
AAAIGHK!

[Diane wipes her face, looks at her hands, sniffs, and grimaces.]

Diane:
WHAT THE FUCK, WALKER?!

[Ty slides up next to Parker, putting an arm around her shoulders.]

Walker:
Aye, I found yo bottom bitch, she’s right here…

[He leans in and licks the side of her face.]

Walker:
Tasty… Anyway, just wanted to let you know, there’s no hard feelings.

[Parker shrugs him off, thoroughly repulsed, which only gets a grin from Ty in response.]

Walker:
The forecast on Twitter said there might be a chance of wetness though… Hashtag Faygo, mothafucka!

Diane:
Will somebody kill this fucking guy?!

Walker:
But sweetums, I thought we was gettin’ hitched?

[From inside the locker room.]

Scott:
Jonny, go kill Tyrone Walker.

Walker:
Guess that’s what I get for messin’ with the white folks again…

[And with that Ty is off down the hall with Jonny Booya, kinda, sorta hot on his trail, leaving Diane Parker dripping and sticky.]

[Hiyo!]

[Back to the action.]

DDK:
It looks like TexMex Holiday is ready to settle for good against Team-

Angus:
The HOSStile Order of Strong Soldiers!

DDK:
I suppose.  In our upcoming bout, we've got Henry Keyes with a big task ahead of him as he takes on veteran and all around thug for the Truly Untouchables, Jonny Booya.

Angus:
Henry wants to fight the good fight, good.  He wants to hurt that big chinned no-neck fuck Booya, even better.

[“Airship Pirate” by Abney Park blasts out from the speakers as red lights flash through the arena. A red-goggled man with a leather brace and a wild grin marches down the ramp with something in between a haunch and a strut.]
   
Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA…weighing in at TWO hundred THIRTY seven pounds…HENRYYYYYYYYYY KEEEEEEEEEEEEYES!
   
DDK:
I’ve been dying to get your opinion, Angus...we’ve seen Henry Keyes for a few weeks now. We’ve seen him topple a colossus of a man in Luke Windham. We’ve seen him confront our Southern Heritage Champion, Curtis Penn, a handful of times - and in last week’s match, Penn had to use every damn dirty trick in the BOOK to put him away. He’s unorthodox, he’s eccentric, he’s got a unique style - the world wants to know, what is your opinion of the man they call The Airship Pirate?
   
Angus:
It’s tricky. I don’t WANT to like him. He’s a goddamn hothead, first and foremost, and I STILL don’t understand how shit like those Bell Claps are so damn effective...he’s CERTAINLY not THE COOL, he’s no Black Jesus, and I KNOW he’s not the kind of guy who’d hit the damn down like a two dollar hooker with my boys in the ACX...but there’s just something there, and I can’t quite explain it. I’m conflicted. I don’t like that.
   
DDK:
Conflicted? You?? Well regardless, there’s no doubt he’s making an impression here - he and Stockton Pyre made an appearance earlier tonight, and from the little we know of Keyes, you know he’s not the kind of man to back down from the challenge Penn’s thrown his way!

# OH MY GOD THAT'S THE FUNKY SHIT! #

["Funky Shit" by Era cuts in. Greek swears and boos echo throughout the arena, as an all-too- familiar face with another man’s shades walks down the ramp.]
   
Quimbey:
And his opponent…from CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA…weighing in at TWO hundred SEVENTY-one pounds…JONNYYYYY BOOOOOOOOYAAAAAAA!

BOOOOOOOOOO!
   
Angus:
Ask me that question again.
   
DDK:
Your thoughts on Keyes?
   
Angus:
I want him to fuck up Jonny Booya SO BAD.
   
DDK:
Referee Carla Ferrari, no stranger to Henry Keyes over the last few weeks, signals for the bell and we’re off! Booya with a chuckle and putting up those massive fists in a boxing stance, Keyes - look at him, the old-school bare-knuckle brawl pose! A staredown here!
   
[A few circles around and Booya throws the first right hook, ducked under by Keyes who follows up with two quick jabs. Booya quickly throws another powerful right hook, ducked by Keyes who follows with a left elbow smash and a right European Uppercut, staggering Booya.]
   
DDK:
It looks like Keyes knows a thing or two about countering the striking game!
   
Angus:
GOOD.
   
[Booya shakes the cobwebs and flashes a scowl, pump-faking another right cross, forcing Keyes to duck, and Booya follows it up with a powerful shot to the gut. He grabs Keyes and sends him backwards with a vicious headbutt, followed by a second. Keyes, now on the ropes, attempts to cover up from a barrage of strikes by Booya with only marginal success. Booya backs up after Ferrari admonishes him, and charges in with a big clothesline, sending Keyes over the top rope.]
   
DDK:
YIKES! Keyes spills out into the crowd - fortunately there’s no repeat of Amsterdam, the crowd got out of the way this time!

Angus:
If we’d had more wrestlers crashing into more fans I don’t know what I’d do. The crowd looks to be egging on Henry to get back in there, and you know, I’m with them right now - KEYES! HIT HIM!
   
DDK:
Keyes back into the ring now, sidesteps an uppercut from Booya! Running into the ropes - HUUUUUUUUGE spinning back elbow from Keyes, and I can’t believe he didn’t knock out a tooth there!

Angus:
HARDER!

DDK:
Try to contain yourself.

Angus:
No.

[Keyes grabs the stunned Booya and sends him into the ropes. On the bounceback, Keyes lets out a loud HRRRAHHHHHHH, spinning Booya in a Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! A cover leads to a two count from Ferrari. Keyes pulls up Booya and goes to work with an extended series of sharp European Uppercuts, which for the first time in Keyes’ career, leads to the crowd clapping along with each uppercut.]

SMACK CLAP!

SMACK CLAP!

SMACK CLAP!

SMACKCLAPSMACKCLAPSMACKCLAPSMACKCLAPSMACKCLAPSMACKCLAP

[An uppercut-weary Keyes steps back and raises a gear-market arm in the air, a slightly confused look on his face at the reaction to his strikes. Shrugging and smiling, he hooks Booya up and tosses him across the ring with an Exploder Suplex!]

1!

2!

3AWWWWWW
   
DDK:
What a flurry of offense there from Henry Keyes! And he’s not stopping here - he’s got Booya rolled onto his belly, and he’s going for that Full Nelson submission hold he loves so much!

Angus:
I am becoming more and more a fan of this guy the more times he hits that sonofabitch in the mouth, but I’m getting antsy that Jonny’s still in this. TAP HIM OUT!
   
[Booya struggles mightily to prevent himself from getting caught in the hold, and in the struggle he catches Keyes hard in the nose with an elbow. Keyes backs off and Booya starts to regain his composure. Keyes goes for a lockup, which is immediately countered into a snap powerslam! A swift cover leads to a count of one and a half. Booya stomps mudholes into Keyes’ guts, leading to more boos from the Greeks in attendance. Booya stands Keyes up and locks in a Full Nelson of his own, laughing all the while and shouting something right in Keyes’ ear!]
   
DDK:
Lest we forget, Keyes isn’t the only one with a mean Full Nelson! He’s got it cinched hard - wait a minute! Keyes backing up with all the momentum he can - RIGHT into the turnbuckles! But Booya isn’t letting go! Keyes backs up again, a SECOND shot into the turnbuckles, and Booya relinquishes the hold! Keyes gets some space, then charges - BOOYA EXPLODES OUT WITH A JUMPING CALF KICK! Here’s the cover! One TWOOOOOand oh man, Keyes almost got KO’d with that one! That was a HELL of a stiff shot! Keyes is getting up though, he’s determined as ever!

Angus:
This is what I was talking about earlier. Keyes just doesn’t ever ever ever quit, and that’s just one of those “yay he’s a face” things that usually makes me want to puke, but I don’t know - he’s doing it differently than most guys. He’s not “feeding off the Defiance universe”, he’s not “digging down deep” - he’s just a goddamn Roomba who just autopilots his way into these fucking guys across the ring. I don’t know what to think about it. ESPECIALLY because the guy he’s facing is just every ounce of prick.
   
[Keyes catches Booya off-guard; Booya wasn’t expecting Keyes to charge at him so soon after that calf kick leveled him. Several straight elbow shots to the grill later, Keyes bends at the hips once again and lets out another guttural HRRRRRAHHHH!, tossing Booya into the air!]
   
DDK:
HOW DID HE - OHHHH MY!

Angus:
ATTA BOY HENRY!

DDK:
Keyes just HURLED Booya straight up in the air and caught him on the way down with a big-time European Uppercut! He drapes the arm over his chest!

1!

2!

3-KICKOUT! Booya gets the shoulder up! Keyes couldn’t hook the leg there, it looks like throwing a man Booya’s size took a lot of gas out of the tank!
   
[Both men lying on the ground, chests visibly expanding and contracting in rapid succession. The crowd is getting a bit raucous in their support of Keyes, especially after the elevated European Uppercut. Keyes stirs, then Booya. Booya gets into a groggy boxing pose, and Keyes charges forward, striking with a Bell Clap.]
   
DDK:
Your. Favorite. MOVE!
   
Angus:
It’s...I have no words. IT’S SOME SHERLOCK HOLMES BULLSHIT.
   
DDK:
Keyes isn’t letting up, he’s got Booya locked up and it looks like he’s going for another suplex here - Booya blocks it! Another attempt by Keyes - FALLAWAY SLAM BY BOOYA!! What a counter! Crawling over for the cover!

1!

2!

NO! Keyes with the shoulder up, and Booya just SLAMMED his hamhock mitt into the ground! Booya better be careful, he’s getting in the grill of referree Carla Ferrari!
   
[Carla Ferrari has none of it and barks at Booya to back off, which is met with a sneer. Booya turns around, only to see Keyes in the oldschool bareknuckle brawler pose from the beginning of the match. Sweat visibly dripping down to the mat, his bizarre haircut a mess, he motions with his hands for Booya to bring it; Booya snarls and gets into a boxer pose, inching forward.]
   
DDK:
This match has turned on a dime a few times now, both men having the upper hand at various points but no one -

[Music.]

[All too familiar music.]

[Maybe the best music.]
   
Angus:
...OH MY GOD.

♫ I’m the one your momma warned you about ♫
♫ When you see me, I will leave you no doubt ♫
♫ I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth ♫
♫ I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth ♫
♫ I am the COOL. ♫

DDK:
Could this be??
   
Angus:
COOL. MOTHERFUCKING. CANCER. JILES. HE’S BACK! HE’S BACK!!!
   
DDK:
Booya’s staring down the entrance ramp wide-eyed, jaw-dropped, and he looks like he just got caught with the neighbor’s daughter! No one thought Jiles would be back by now!
   
Angus:
….

……………...WHERE IS HE??
   
DDK:
The music’s still going, still no sign of - WAIT A MINUTE! Keyes with a roll up here, he’s going to steal one here!

1!

2!

3-

NO! Two and a half! WAIT! Jonny Booya! Jonny Booya! He’s got his Trapped Under Ice submission locked in here! Keyes just went from a split second away from victory to an extremely precarious position here!
   
Angus:
Are you telling me he’s not coming out?? WHERE ARE YOU? IT’S ME! YOUR BUDDY ANGUS! JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY! COME ON, MAN!
   
DDK:
Booya’s got the submission hold locked in on Keyes here, and he’s got his eyes LOCKED on the entrance ramp as the music still rolls throughout the arena!

[The mics pick up Booya’s rabid screams: “COME GET IT, CANCER! COME GET IT! I’M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!”. Meanwhile, Booya breathes heavily, eyes darting to his left and right as he tries to gauge whether Jiles is sneaking up on him. With his attention not fully focused on the hold, Keyes eventually finds momentum and rolls his way to the edge of the ring, tangling both he and Booya in the ropes. Carla counts to 4 before Booya releases the hold, still darting his eyes all around the ring as the music finally fades.]
   
Angus:
Well I’m PISSED. You don’t tug at a man’s heartstrings like that!
   
DDK:
Think about it for a second, Ang.
   
Angus:
WHAT.
   
DDK:
Do you think this might just be a message to Jonny Booya from Cancer Jiles? A warning for the future?

Angus:
……....that would be the BEEEEST!
   
[Keyes slowly gets up, unsteady from the rolling butterfly stretch he was just placed in. Booya, enraged, throws a series of hard right haymakers that connect with Keyes, one right after another. He reaches deep and throws a BIG shot that drops Keyes to one knee, before Booya charges towards a turnbuckle, adrenaline pumped, preparing for his patented top rope shoulder block.]

[He doesn’t notice that Keyes is sprinting two steps behind him.]

DDK:
CLOCKWORK! CLOCKWORK! Henry Keyes with the Avalanche Belly-to-Belly, and Booya is seeing stars! Here’s the cover!

1!

2!

3!

DINGDINGDING

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHH!!!

Quimbey:
HERE is your winner, by pinfall - HENRY! KEEEEEEEEEEYES!

[The crowd erupts in cheers as Keyes holds his right arm up in victory, clutching his left arm to his body.]

DDK:
What a victory for Henry Keyes! Just when things looked like they were about to come crashing and burning for Defiance’s resident Airship Pirate, he just keeps charging forward and it pays off here!

Angus:
SUCK IT JONNY FUBAR! SUCK. IT.

DDK:
My broadcast partner may need a moment to collect himself. Let’s go backstage.
 

[There is a grin on Curtis Penn’s face that stretches from ear to ear, never have we seen this man so jovial and around his waist rests the good ol’ stars and bars Southern Heritage Championship.]

Penn:
Just moments  ago every one of you witnessed me placing a whooping on Frank James, a beatin’ that even his good ol’ dad would have been proud of. And if I wanted to waste my time a little longer I could have beaten the stupid outta that oaf. But something happened during our match that left me a little pissed.

[His smile fades away.]

Penn:
Henry Keyes and Stockton Pyre took away my god given rite for a break during my match. They might not be used to wrestling at the caliber that I wrestle, they’re still young in the game, but every once in a while you need to take a step back and use your time out. I backed out of the ring while FDJ was consulting with the ref about something being in his eye and all of a sudden they blindsided me and threw me back into the ring with FDJ while I was trying to take a breather. That could have cost me my title!

[He pauses.]

Penn:
Those two arrogant heathens decided to jump me and ever since they walked into Defiance they’ve acted like they are allowed to make their own matches. Have their way in the locker room … stalking people, toeing up to the veterans, and interrupting people’s matches.  It’s high time those two are taught a lesson.

[He strokes his beard with his left hand and grins.]

Penn:
So I voiced my opinion to Eric Dane. I told him that these two assholes need to be taught a lesson in respect and humility. And he agrees! Next week you two fuckers have a chance to see which one of you is the better man and to see who has the skills to step in between the ropes and stand toe to toe, man to man with Curtis Penn.  No more creeping up behind me. No more bum rushing me in the locker room or during my matches. Now it’s time to put up or shut up.

[He snorts.]

Penn:
And I’m going to get the chance to show one of you, the better one of you, that you have no fucking chance in the ring with me. That you have no fucking chance in beating me and ya’ll aren’t good enough to fuck with me.

[He pauses.]

Penn:
Ya’ll wanna try and make your names off of me, um, fuck you.

[Fade.]

Angus:
God I can't stand that guy.

[Locker room.]

[Henry Keyes, still in his wrestling gear. He has a towel over his shoulder and a few red marks of his battle with Jonny Booya on his ribs. He slowly stands, and then perks his ear.

He hears the faint tk-tk-tk-tk of keys on a keyboard.

Turning around, he spots Stockton Pyre, working on his latest behind-the-scenes journal.]

Keyes:
Stockton Pyre.

[Pyre looks up, slightly surprised to see Henry staring hard at him without blinking. He rises and approaches.]

Pyre:
Henry. Great job out there tonight - I’ve heard several people around here saying how that caught their eye.

Keyes:
I appreciate the sentiment, but listen - that’s not why I want to talk to you. You and I need to sort some things out.

Pyre:
We do?

Keyes:
Amsterdam. Where where you?

Pyre:
Yes...about that. I was conflicted. I wrote all about it - I sympathized with your side of things, but I thought it was more important to be dispassionate. What I’m working on...it’s important.

Keyes:
Oh, it’s important? But taking down Curtis Penn, a self-righteous mound of garbage who ground your face into metal like it was a slab of meat, that’s not important?

Pyre:
...I didn’t mean it THAT way, I just -

Keyes:
Look. We’re different. I get it. You’ve got your own way of handling business - I have mine. And I appreciate the fact that you went out there with me earlier tonight to keep that coward from fleeing his battles - but I need to know if I can really trust you.

Pyre:
That’s a difficult thing to ask...what I’m learning so far about this industry is that rule number one is not to trust people. Which is hard, for me at least - I WANT to trust people, I WANT to help guys like you out who have heart and conviction, it’s just - it’s tricky.

Keyes:
Nothing tricky about it, friend. I’m as open and blatant about my intentions as you’ll find on this earth, wrestling or no. So let me be direct with you here: Penn laid out the challenge. We’re getting in his head, you and I - and he only wants one of us, because it’s clear he can’t handle the both of us at once. I’m going to be honest with you, Stockton - it can be me, it can be you, it can be the Queen of England for all I care...all I care about is for Curtis Penn to go down.

Pyre:
Well, I agree with the general principle...so what are you saying?

Keyes:
Let’s you and I square off next show in that ring. Winner gets to destroy Curtis Penn.

Pyre:
...alright.

[Pyre extends his hand, and Keyes grasps his forearm in a Roman-style handshake, which temporarily confuses Pyre.]

Keyes:
Bring your best. Let the better man win. And by the way, I’ll be rooting for you to take care of business tonight.

Pyre:
Thanks. Dusty Griffith is a steep mountain to climb, but I’m going to do my best.

Keyes:
Good man.

[Keyes slaps Pyre in the chest heartily before walking off. Pyre stares at Keyes for a moment before going to take down a few more notes.]
 

[No idea why Darren Quimbey isn’t doing ring introductions for this match, he just isn’t, handle it.  Rich Mahogany, Don Hollywood and Pete Whealdon all gyrate their way out in time to the Bloodhound Gang and “Bad Touch.”  As usual for the ACX, they’re all freshly baby-oiled and their tights are too small.  Mahogany and Whealdon stop to dance on the ramp.]

Angus:
Pretty sure the fans don’t want to see that shit.  Especially not from underneath.

[Hollywood had almost made it to the ring.  Instead, he stops and heads back up the ramp to retrieve his tag team partners.]

DDK:
We don’t have a clear idea of what the ACX are actually capable of, because they seem to love nothing better than taking nothing seriously and shooting themselves in the foot.  Back in Amsterdam Hollywood lost to the Truly Untouchables in about 40 seconds because he thought Diane Parker was going to put out, while Whealdon and Mahogany ran around trying to find a distraction.

[With ACX finally in the ring, their music fades, and is replaced by the pounding guitars of “Pray For The Dead.”  Roger Stevens already looks infuriated as he storms to the ring.  Lisa Loeh is next.  Yoshikazu YAZ is last, and he spits a cloud of green mist into the air.]

[Lisa steps into the ring to start the match.  Immediately, Rich and Pete start having the same stupid fight they did last week over who gets to wrestle her.  This time Hollywood ignores them, steps around them and...points Lisa back to her corner?]

DDK:
Don Hollywood has just, for the first time in ACX history, opted to wrestle rather than engage in shenanigans, but is it a good idea?  

[Yoshikazu YAZ jumps over the top rope and into the ring.  Hollywood looks like he’s thinking of backing off for a minute, then shakes his head.]

DING!  DING!  DING!

[Hollywood goes straight for the eyes at the bell!  Ignoring referee Hector Navarro he drives YAZ back into the corner with everything he’s got - hand in the eyeholes of the mask, hand under the throat, and once he’s got YAZ here he kicks for all he’s worth, stomping the masked wrestler in the stomach until he slumps down.  Grabbing the top rope, Hollywood starts delivering the best bootscrapes he can come up with.]

DDK:
And look at Don Hollywood go!  We’ve just seen more aggression from the ACX in the last 15 seconds than we’ve seen in the entire rest of their run here in Defiance!

[Hector starts the count on Don, telling him to take it out of the corner.  Don struts away, pushes Hector to the side, and adjusts his hair and laughs in the opposing team’s corner, not noticing as YAZ pulls himself to his feet.]

[Hollywood turns around into an open hand slap that echoes around the arena and sends him stumbling.  YAZ follows up with a jump spinning back kick that knocks him to the mat!  Hollywood’s up, right into some sort of ducking spinning back elbow into his ribcage, and he drops flat to the mat to avoid the shotei!]

[And single legs YAZ down to the mat from there!]

[YAZ brings his legs in to his chest and pushes back.  Hollywood goes flying back into his own corner, and Pete Whealdon tags himself in.]

[Whealdon immediately GRABS THE HEADLOCK.]

DDK:
Whealdon slowing this one down, just as expected.

[The fans don’t even wait to start chanting ‘boring.’  Which is actually exactly what Pete wants, though no one’s really clear on why.]

[YAZ backs to the ropes and tries to use the momentum to push Whealdon loose.  Whealdon grabs the hair and pulls himself to a stop, dragging YAZ to his knees.  He rehooks the headlock, and YAZ immediately back suplexes him!]

[YAZ tags out to Lisa, who climbs to the top rope.  He lifts Whealdon for a side slam, and Lisa comes off the top with a double knee drop to the chest right into a pin!]

ONE...!


...TWO…!


…...KICKOUT!

[Lisa pulls Whealdon to his feet and hits a series of solid forearms to the face, but when she sets up a T-bone suplex, Whealdon knees her in the gut and… applies the headlock.]

BBBBBOOOOOOOOO!!!

DDK:
These fans want action and Wheadon’s stalling and dragging things out, and I think even his own corner’s unhappy with him!

[Don at least is yelling for a tag, but Whealdon has that headlock sunk in.   Then Lisa steps on the back of his knee, steps over his back to gain the leverage to break it, and hits a rolling fujiwara armbar!]

Angus:
Hey, I’m kinda impressed.

DDK:
We always knew Lisa could wrestle, she’s a Wrestling Inferno graduate, but she’s always been willing to do anything and everything to avoid having to.  Hopefully her experience getting kicked out of the Truly Untouchables will inspire her, just like it seems to be doing.  On the other hand - rope break by Whealdon!

[Whealdon gets the ropes.  He shakes out his arm and tags out to Rich Mahogany.]

Angus:
Well, this’ll be good, and by good I mean ridiculous.  Anyway, you were saying Keebs?

DDK:
Lisa isn’t known for being a ‘good guy.’  Neither is Roger Stevens, he slapped the taste out of Eric Dane’s mouth on the final Cascadia show!  And Yoshikazu YAZ worked for Elijah Goldman and ESEN.  Is this niceness going to last past their business with the Truly Untouchables?

[Rich Mahogany has gotten down in a grappling crouch.  Lisa looks suspicious and doesn’t acknowledge the offering of the knuckle lock.]

Angus:
Who the hell knows?  I mean, even I’ve got to admit I’d have been a little resentful of the guy who valued me under Easton fucking Hall.  If Roger’s going to - what the hell?!

[I have to explain this carefully.]

[Rich hit a single leg takedown on Lisa and shifted into a grounded headlock.]

[Not only that, but he didn’t do it pervily (pervily is now a word), he did it right.  He even remembered to use his chin to trap the forearm in the headlock.]

DDK:
That’s a pinning combination!


ONE…!

[And Lisa’s shoulder is already up.  But if you weren’t clear on the fact that something’s up with Rich Mahogany, note this.  Lisa brings her legs up to try and counter with a headscissor.]

[Rich ducks his head to avoid it.]

[This is Rich Mahogany we’re talking about.]

DDK:
It feels like the twilight zone just saying it, but we’re just seeing a competent grappling clinic.  From Lisa Loeh and Rich Mahogany.

Angus:
What is this i don’t even.

[Shit gets even crazier as Lisa knows the counter to a well-applied headlock, bridges up, gets leverage, and rolls Rich over her body almost into a pin - but Rich escapes, rolls through, gets side control and hooks the crossface headlock.  Only now that he’s actually wrestled right does he bother to cheat, and yanks her hair for… pretty much no reason.]

Navarro:
Watch the hair, Rich!

Mahogany:
She asked me to!

[Navarro is confused.  Lisa stands up, elbows Rich hard, can’t break the grip, holds onto his neck, swings her feet up in the air and then tosses him over her shoulder.  And again Rich wrestles, hanging onto her arm and transitioning into a half nelson, a three quarter nelson, and then turns her!  Lisa starts to counter, but again Rich goes for the hair.]

Navarro:
Break it Rich, you know better!

Mahogany:
But girls like it like this!

[And then, five people in the entire world fail to facepalm.]

[Three are the Angel City eXXXpress, one is Lisa.]

[The other is Roger Stevens, who immediately jumps the ropes, grabs Rich by his hair, throws him into his own corner and starts laying in the chops.]

THWACK!  THWACK!  THWACK!  THWACK!  THWACK!

Angus:
I think Roger Stevens may just kill him!

[Hollywood tries to come to Mahogany’s aid, but Lisa dropkicks his knee and then his ribs, sending Hollywood out under the bottom rope.  YAZ runs down the apron, leaps to the top rope and dives down on Hollywood with a cross body!]

[Rich tries to slide out of the ring, but Stevens grabs him by the ankle, drags him back, chops him on the back of the head, throws him into the corner, and chops him right across the MOUTH.  With the closeup you can even see Rich’s pupils dilate as his gums are shredded from the chop and his own teeth.]

[And then Pete Whealdon jumps into the ring.]

[Whealdon ignores Lisa and drills Stevens with a savage thrust kick to the back of the head!]

Angus:
And now Pete’s remembering he can actually do things?!

[Stevens falls flat on his face.]

[Whealdon immediately turns around on Lisa.  Another old school Whealdon kick, this one a roundhouse, doubles her over and knocks her to her knees.  Whealdon scoops her up in powerbomb position, backs to the ropes, he likes to use feet on the ropes leverage.]

[He stalls just long enough to shake his head, pantomiming cunnilingus.]

[Lisa reaches over his head and grabs the top rope, and the powerbomb doesn’t work when Whealdon can’t throw her forward.]

[Roger Stevens suddenly jumps up.  Apparently he was actually knocked out by the kick, but having taken no other punishment, is already back up.]

[Stevens kicks Whealdon in the stomach.  Lisa jumps over Whealdon’s head instead of trying a frankensteiner, and Stevens is too pissed even to chop.  He just grabs WHealdon’s head and punches, punches, and Whealdon grabs Stevens under the neck and one arm and punches, and it looks like Stevens is getting the better of it until suddenly Pete does one of those MMA flips and both wrestlers spin through the air and land with Stevens on his back and Whealdon in side control but Stevens still has a hand full of hair and is still punching!]

Angus:
HOLY SHIT!

[Navarro tries to break them up.  Both men ignore him.  In fact, Whealdon pushes him to the side.]

[Then Lisa kicks Whealdon in the back of the head, Stevens flips him over and again starts with the punches, and Navarro throws his hands up and calls for the bell!]

DING!  DING!  DING!

DDK:
The former Fishman Deluxe has seen enough and he’s calling security down to ringside!

[Big Wyatt Bronson is the first security guy to get there, and he gets personally in between Stevens and Whealdon.  More DEFsec brutes flood the ring, dragging the two furious wrestlers apart.]

LET THEM FIGHT!  LET THEM FIGHT!  LET THEM FIGHT!
LET THEM FIGHT!  LET THEM FIGHT!  LET THEM FIGHT!

Angus:
YEAH!  LET THEM FIGHT!  I haven’t seen Pete like this since he was kicking Curtis Penn in the face and backstabbing the Wifwah for Cascadia!  I haven’t seen Roger Stevens this mad since… well ok Stevens is usually this mad, but it’s STILL AWESOME WHEN HE IS!

[There’s even a medic out now, attending to Rich Mahogany’s busted mouth.  More security are breaking up the fight between YAZ and Hollywood that wasn’t even caught by the cameras what with all the other stuff happening.]

DDK:
A match that we assumed was just going to be a credibility statement for Lisa’s Team turned into a real wrestling match turned into a pull-apart brawl!  We’ll be right back while security gets this under control.  Angus I know you want a fight, but with the Truly Untouchables and the Blood Diamonds and HNB all rampaging, I’m guessing Dane wanted this stopped before it gets started…

[Fade as Roger Stevens continues to scream invective at everything in a 50 foot radius.]

[The Halls of the Backstage.]

[Diane Parker is walking with her trios teammates, David Race and Leon Maddox, a towel in her hand as she’s still a bit damp and sticky from Walker’s soda attack earlier in the night. The trio arrive at their locker room and find the door slightly ajar. Race and Maddox head in first, and seeing what appears to be an arena repair crew, they turn back to Parker.]

Race:
It’s just some guys doing maintainance.

[The three shrug indifferently, Race and Maddox decide to bail, saying something about gyro meat at the catering tables, because Greece. Parker opts to stay behind, wanting to wash away the annoying stickiness, which cues Race and Maddox to take off down the hall while she heads into the locker room, closing the door behind her.]

[It’s then that we hear a somewhat familiar voice coming from behind her...that of “The HNIC” Sam Horry, who is putting on a little bit of gravel in his voice.]

Sam:
You know Diane, I heard you had a problem, so I had to take this uh...opportunity to stop by and lend a hand...

[Parker looks at him with a look of intent to kill, then horror as she sees most of the front of Sam’s outfit is open...]

Sam:
In short, I’m here to fix your pipes...

[As if on cue, the smallest of the three, now seen as Pinis 2000 hits a button on the box next to him and it opens to reveal his magic boombox, which begins playing some cheesy 70’s era porn music. The third of the people in view, now seen to be Ryan Matthews, jumps up on one of the benches and holds up a disco ball and shines a flashlight on it.]

Ryan:
Annnnnnd now, coming to the stage… BOOZAKA the HAWT CHAWCAHLET SAWSE!!

Diane:
…..

[Before she can interject, Parker is pushed down on to a chair that was ever so conveniently set behind her. Sam immediately begins dancing very provocatively in front of her, getting up close and personal as she raises her hands up and leans back to move away from him as best she can into the chair.]

Ryan:
YEAH! WHOO! SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT!

[With Ryan holding the disco ball and playing the role of the drunken onlookers, Pinis steps away from his boombox as he approaches with a huge stack of dolla dolla bills y’all, all told, about $2,598,613,047 in Monopoly and Game of Life currency. What can we say, Pinis has got it like that when he rolls into the club… or this random locker room.]

Ryan:
Yeah, yeah, lets make it rain, make it rain on these hoes...

[Parker looks to the diminutive member of this trio, a mixture of scorn and embarrassment in her eyes, which forces Pinis to hesistate for a moment. Overcoming his brief fear as he raises up the stack of cash in his hands he begins making it rain with his board game fortune. This is the final insult that causes Parker to struggle with greater fury, pushing Sam off as she curses all three of her tormentors, but before she can get up.]

[Unbeknownst to her however, Tyrone Walker emerges from the bathroom door at the back of the locker room. In his right hand is a two liter bottle of the same foul grape soda that drenched her earlier in the evening. Twisting the cap off as he approaches, he takes a giant chug of the soda. Getting up behind Parker, who tries to raise herself off of the chair, is stopped by Walker’s left hand pushing down on her shoulder.]

[Diane looks up over her shoulder at Walker in an odd mix of contempt and horror.  Perfect for Walker to upend the bottle of grape soda and dump it all over her face.  A split second later the door to the locker room swings open, revealing the return of David Race and Leon Maddox.]

Maddox:
What the hell?

[Just then, Ty dumps his load.]

[HIYO!]

Ty:
Uh, whoops?

[Once again, drenched in sticky, purple liquid that makes her smell like cheap grape popsicles, Diane’s face turns red in fury.  Her attempt at a screech turns into a cough and grape soda flies.  It’s kind of gross, actually.]

Sam:
ABORTION! ABORTION!

[Dropping the disco ball, Ryan joins Sam as the two of them rush into Race and Maddox before either of them begin to grasp what in the world has been going on, blowing past them as they shove them out of the way and creating a space for the rest of the crew to make their escape.]

Pinis 2000: [screeching]
HEIDI!!

[Ty drops the now empty bottle before he takes off behind his partners, cackling the whole time like an evil mastermind, but not before grabbing Pinis, who manages to snag his boombox on the way out.]

Diane:
GET THEM!!

[Parker, Race and Maddox rush out into the hall after the masters of Hizzle Nizzle Bizzle.]

[Back to the desk.]

Angus:
Wow.

[Dead air.]

Angus:
Um, Keebs?  We're live.

DDK:
Angus, Dan Ryan just made me physically sick.  I.... I really don't think I can add anything to that. 

[Keebs takes an audible breath.]

DDK:
Right now folks, we have Stockton Pyre getting thrown into the deep end as he’s set to go against Dusty Griffith.

Angus:
Yeah, yeah, I just want to see a couple of big dudes smashing each other.

DDK:
Well, something tells me you’re going to be in luck with this one, partner.

Angus:
Right, take it away DQ!

[Darren Quimbey takes the center of the ring as the lights fade and begin to pulse to the familiar drum beat of KISS’ “I Love It Loud”.]

Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
Coming to the ring first, he hails from Boise, Idaho… Standing at Six Feet Three Inches tall and weighing in at Two Hundred and Ninety Pounds… This is the WILD BRONCO… DUSSSSSSSTY GRRRRRRRIFFFFFITH!

♫ Hey, hey, hey, hey YEAH! ♫
♫ Hey, hey, hey, hey YEAH! ♫
♫ Hey, hey, hey, hey YEAH! ♫

[Bursting forth from the curtain at a jog, Griffith makes his way down the ramp with noticeably different attire consisting of black training pants that have twin stripes running from the waist to the ankle in white. He also sports a simple, white towel draped across the back of his neck.]

♫ Stand up, you don't have to be afraid ♫
♫ Get down, love is like a hurricane ♫
♫ Street boy, no I never could be tamed, better believe it ♫

[Slowing his pace as he nears the ropes of the ring at the end of the rampway, Dusty pauses a moment as his hands grip the top rope while he scans the sold out arena that surrounds the ring. Before long, Dusty enters the ring, grabbing the towel from around his neck as he takes a few customary laps back and forth on the ropes.]

♫ Guilty till I'm proven innocent ♫
♫ Whiplash, heavy metal accident ♫
♫ Rock on, I wanna be the president, 'cos ♫

[Coming to a bouncing stop in the center of the ring, Griffith makes for the nearest corner and climbs the turnbuckles where he thrusts his arms up and out with clenched fists. Climbing down, he turns his back to the corner, leaning against it as he awaits his opponent.]

♫ I love it loud, I wanna hear it loud, right between the eyes ♫
♫ Loud, I wanna hear it loud, I don't want to compromise ♫

Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
And now making his way to the ring he comes from Parts Unknown… Standing at Six Feet Six Inches tall and weighing in at Two Hundred and Sixty Six Pounds… This is… STTTTTOOOOCCCCKKKKTOOOONNNN PYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRE!

[Dean Martin.]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Angus:
Hey!

DDK:
What?

Angus:
My pizza’s here!

DDK:
No, not that, them, what are they doing out here?

Angus:
I’unno, where’s my pizza?

[As the big band music picks up it calls forth the introduction of Alceo Dentari, Tony Di Luca and Vinny Renaldi, collectively known as the Legitimate Businessmen’s Club. Standing in the ring, Dusty Griffith turns his head towards the curtains, he’s not amused when he sees the three Italians step into the arena.]

♫ How lucky can one guy be? ♫
♫ I kissed her and she kissed me ♫
♫ Like a fella once said ♫
♫ "Ain't that a kick in the head?" ♫

Angus:
Nevermind, Vinny must’ve eaten it… That fat...

DDK:
You know they’re coming down here, right?

Angus:
Slim. Guy. Yeah.

[With a mic in hand, Dentari takes point, leading the LBC down the ramp with Tony Two Hands flanking him just off to his right, while the enormous Big Vinny trails behind both by a step or two. In the ring Dusty has taken up it’s center as Quimbey makes a break for it to the safety of the floor.]

Angus:
What a puss.

DDK:
Who?

Angus:
Quimbey, I think he pissed himself during his getaway there.

DDK:
He’s a ring announcer, Angus.

Angus:
So? I’m a color commentator and I jumped in there and kicked ass.

DDK:
That’s one side of the story, that’s for sure. Besides, where is Stockton Pyre? He’s Griffith’s scheduled opponent.

Angus:
Maybe he swiped my pizza, that shady bastard!

[The LBC take a few more paces down the ramp before Alceo signals for their music to be cut as he brings up the microphone that he was carrying in his right hand.]

Alceo:
Dusty, Dusty Dusty… We warned yous… We warned you not to go rockin’ boats. We warned yous things was gonna get burned, but did yous listen?

[Tony Di Luca leans in and pulls the microphone away from Dentari’s mouth.]

Tony:
Did he fuck?

Alceo:
Seems yous ain’t too hot on how things are run ‘round these parts, and despite several warnings, yous still don’t seem to be learnin’... Me an’ my boys, we tried to help, we really did, we wanted you to learn everythin’ by yourself… but now...We’re gonna have to teach in a slightly more… direct way.

[Griffith tosses his towel aside and challenges them all to come at him as he stands his ground in the center of the ring. Tony looks to Alceo, a grin crosses Tony’s face when Alceo nods over to the ring. Di Luca rushes the ring and goes right after Griffith, who meets him head on in a fury of swinging fists coming from both sides.]

DDK:
After the despicable act of vandalism these three…

Angus:
Allegedly.

DDK:
I think it’s fairly certain who burned all of Griffith’s belongings.

Angus:
Yeah, probably… But. Do we have any of that on tape?

DDK:
No.

Angus:
Like I said, Allegedly.

[Back in the ring, Dusty and Tony continue to slug it out until Di Luca gets him backed into a corner and then whips Griffith across the ring. When Di Luca charged in, he was met by Griffith who exploded out of the corner and took Di Luca out with a clothesline. Tony popped up immediately and got hit with a second clothesline. On the outside Alceo motions for Big Vinny to get involved.]

Angus:
Ooooh boy, here comes the heavy lumber.

[Tony bails to the outside with Dusty giving chase, but he gets cut off by the mammoth Italian, Rinaldi, who grabs him by the shoulder, spins him around and clobbers him with a clothesline of his own.]

DDK:
Even I felt that one!

[Vinny grabs Dusty and pulls him up. The big man presses Griffith over his head and drops him chest first over the steps.]

Angus:
That’s gotta hurt.

[Without letting him slump to the floor Vinny grabs a hold of Dusty again and rolls him into the ring. Vinny checks on Di luca before both men follow Dusty in and pull him to his feet again.]

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Dusty starts to fight back again, landing a right hand to Rinaldi and a left to Di Luca, but he’s cut off as Tony lifts a knee into his midsection. Together the two men whip Dusty across the ring, which Rinaldi follows up with a running splash!]

DDK:
I’d be surprised if Dusty’s lungs were still inflated.

[Rinaldi pushes Dusty out of the corner into a boot to the chest from Di Luca which knocks him to the floor. Dentari meanwhile starts to climbs the steps and waits on the apron.]

DDK:
The numbers game is proving too much for Dusty.

[Di Luca pulls Dusty up again and pushes him into Rinaldi, who takes him off of his feet and SLAMS him down with the…]

[Deep inhale.]

Angus:
FAT HOLE SLAAAAAAAAAAAM!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

[Alceo steps through the ropes and orders Rinaldi to hold Dusty up, which he does with a full nelson.]

Alceo:
We got one last lesson for yous, Dusty. Maybe this one yous won’t forget!

[Dentari drops the microphone to the outside and tells Di luca to hold Dusty up higher. Tony does so and Dentari hits the ropes and comes charging back, crashing into Griffith’s midsection and ribcage with a vicious knee strike. Dentari grabs hold of Dusty’s head and snaps him over before Tony and Vinny clear out of the way where Dentari hits the ropes behind Dusty...]

[When suddenly.]

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!

DDK:
Stockton Pyre!

[The enigmatic, masked newcomer rushes down the ramp.]

Angus:
And he’s got a chair!

[As he approaches the ropes, Pyre chucks the chair into the ring where Dentari and Di Luca dodge out of the objects path causing it to hit Big Vinny square in the chest, sending him tumbling back towards the ropes.]

DDK:
He just threw that chair, is he insane?

Angus:
I don’t have my magic 8 ball with me, but I’m guessing… maybe?

[Climbing in, Pyre wastes little time, charging directly at Vinny and clotheslining him over the top rope. However, Di Luca and Dentari rush him with his back turned and pummel away on him, though Pyre attempts to fight both of them off at the same time.]

DDK:
These guys are animals.

Angus:
DEFIANCE is the biggest, baddest jungle around.

DDK:
And these guys are the hyenas.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

[With their attention focused on Stockton Pyre, Dentari and Di Luca forgot all about Dusty Griffith, who managed to get himself back into the fight.]

DDK:
Griffith back in the fight and he’s squared off with Dentari, leaving Tony Two Hands to contend with Pyre!

[The comeback is short lived however, with Dusty chasing Dentari who makes a hasty retreat to the rampway where Big Vinny waits, while Di Luca bails to the floor and makes his way over to his associates. The three back away with satisfied with their work, as Dusty leans against the ropes, one arm clutched against his midsection with the other pointing directly at Dentari with an outstretched index finger as he mouths the word “YOU!”.]

DDK:
This is certainly far from over.

Angus:
Not if Mayberry has anything to say about it, that’s for sure.

[Dusty is joined by Pyre at the ropes, Dusty turns to Pyre offering him his free hand and saying “raincheck?” Pyre nods and shakes his hand.]

DDK:
A nice show of sportsmanship between Griffith and Pyre, all things considered.  And now let's take it backstage, where there's something going down in the bosses office!

DDK:
Apparently, our World Champion doesn't want to wrestle Heidi.

[The halls.]

“Heidi… Heidi!... HEIDI!!”

[Pinis 2000 rushes past.]

“Get over here you little creep!”

[Diane Parker, all stickified from multiple dousings of grape soda chases after the diminutive strange fellow who travels with your DEFIANCE Trios Tag Team Champions of the World.]

[As she nearly catches him while rounding a corner into the backstage proper, she’s stopped by a most odd sight...Ryan Matthews hanging from the ceiling via a leg snare. She scowls at him, but then the idea forms in her head that he’s defenseless. She cocks back a fist to hit Matthews but he raises both hands.]

Matthews:
Ah ah ah! You didn’t say the magic word.

Parker:
What the hell are you talking about?

Matthews:
The magic word. You didn’t say it.

Parker:
The only magic I see, is that I’m standing here, and you’re hanging there from a leg snare...

Matthews:
Ah, the magic word!

[Almost immediately we see that there’s another leg snare right where Parker’s right foot rests on the floor. The snare immediately tightens and jerks (hiyo!) her off her feet and up into the air much in the same way that Matthews is hanging from the ceiling.]

Parker:
I swear to God, when I get myself loose I’m gonna...

Matthews:
You mean you’re not loose already? That’s not what I heard...HIYO!

Parker:
If I get a chance to swing over there I’m going to scratch your damn eyes out, pull your balls off and replace your eyes with them.

Matthews:
Can’t we all just get along? I mean it’s not really my fault that you’re a grape soda guzzling...

[Just then, we hear a very familiar voice singing a tune from offscreen...]

“Makin’ my way downtown… with my bitch, she’s gonna make me a sammich…”

[Enter the Black Jesus.]

“Na-na-na-na-na, NAH!”

[And his cousin, the Head Negro In Charge.]

[Ty Walker and Sam Horry arrive at the scene, ‘oblivious’ to the situation before them. Upon seeing token white guy hanging upside down they spring into action.]

Walker:
Elaborate Destiny!

Horry:
Eliminate Dysfunction!

Walker:
Estimate Damage!

Horry:
Exterminate Dystopia!

Walker:
Experimental Dinobots!

Horry:
Esteban Dominguez!

[Parker and Matthews look to each other, each rolling their eyes.]

Walker:
Who in the HALE is Esteban Dominguez?

Horry:
Beats me, it’s two words that start with E and D and I’m having just as much trouble as you ae remembering the line from that one movie with that one guy and some other dude from those white kids coming of ages movies.

Matthews & Parker:
ESTABLISH DOMINANCE!

Walker:
Yeah, that bitch.

Horry:
Hey, Ry, what up homie?

Matthews:
Right, funny, real funny, can we get me down from here already? Or are the two of you gonna continue to be assholes?

Walker:
Right.

[Motioning off screen, Matthews suddenly lowers from the ceiling, making a small thud on the concrete below with his head and shoulders.]

Matthews: [rubbing his head as he gets up]
Thanks.

Horry:
No problem, bruh.

Walker:
So who wants gyros?

[Hookers and Blow, now rejoined by Pinis 2000 all nod in agreement and walk away.]

Horry:
Pinis, our music?

[Mickey Avalon’s version of Stroke Me plays and now they head off in search of Greek cuisine right from the source of it’s invention.]

Parker:
Hey! What about me?!

[Record scratch.]

[The crew pause and look back, then to each other, then back to Parker.]

Walker:
What about you, exactly?

[Matthews pulls out his phone that somehow didn’t fall out of his pocket when he was hanging upside down.]

Matthews:
Yo Ty, Sam, get over there by her.

[Ty and Sam rush over, each taking opposing sides next to Parker who clamps her eyes shut awaiting the worst.]

Matthews:
It’s time to make this a moment that will forever live on the internet.

Walker & Horry:
WORLDSTAR!

[Just then Pinis slides into picture from the right and right under Diane Parker, his head up toward her and his tongue out as Matthews snaps the picture...and he nearly pisses himself laughing directly after.]

Matthews:
Piney, greatest.photobomb.ever.

Pinis:
Dusty Griffith!

[From off screen voices that perk Parker’s interest are heard calling out for her.]

Matthews:
We better beat feet, motherfuckers.

Walker:
Yeah, but wait…

Horry:
Dude, we gotta go…

Walker:
I know, but wait… Pinis, you got that marker?

[Pinis nods and reaches in his pocket, pulling out a purple sharpie and then tossing it over to Ty as Sam and Ryan begin to make their getaway with Pinis in tow. They hold up, keeping watch while also looking back at Ty who now crouches down in front of Parker, holding her still by the back of her head as he begins to write something.]

Parker:
What are you doing?!

Walker:
Just a little note for your boys.

[Finishing up, he caps the sharpie and pulls out his phone, snapping a pic.]

Walker:
There, immortalized on the intartubulars.

[He shows her the picture on his phone. “HNB WAS HERE!” in big letters right across her forehead. He laughs as she shrieks and tries to claw at him and then gives her a shove so that she begins to swing too and fro. Taking off, he reunites with his compadres and they disappear through one set of doors as David Race and Leon Maddox burst through another only to find Parker and no Hizzle to the Nizzle to the Bizzle.]

Parker:
GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!

[With a sigh, Race goes hunting for the other end of the snare while Maddox prepares to make sure Diane doesn't land on her face when he finds it.]