Guerrilla Grindhouse World Tour 08

Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
The following is a non-title match!  It is set for one fall, with a fifteen minute time limit!  Introducing first!  Representing Tex Mex Holiday, and weighing in at 205 lbs!  He is the Southern Sling!  Jimmie! RIIIIIX!

[As “Ghost Riders in the Sky” plays, Jimmie Rix makes his way to ringside.]

DDK:
We’re getting started with our opening contest, with Jimmie Rix being given a huge opportunity that he may not actually want.  He’s facing off against our World Champion, who doesn’t want to be in this match at all, and will probably be looking to finish it as quickly as possible.

Angus:
And worse for Rix, Scott had to give up long ago any illusions that he’s crippled or broken down.  He bluffed his way to contendership, won the belt on a blatant screwjob, but I’ve got to admit he gets shit done when he has to.

[Rix tests the ropes.]

Quimbey:
And his opponent!  He hails from Annapolis, Maryland, and weighs in at 232 lbs!  He is the leader of the Truly Untouchables, a former Defiance World Trios Tag Champion, and the REIGNING Defiance World Heavyweight Champion!  He is KAI!  SCOOOOTTTT!!!

♫ Two thousand years I’ve reigned ♫
♫ As the King of Man ♫
♫ And every morning you felt my guiding hand ♫
♫ What’d you do to deserve me? ♫

DDK:
A lonely entrance for the champ here, as there are no other Truly Untouchables in sight.  

Angus:
Confidence.  Overconfidence, maybe.  Not likely though.

[Scott steps into the ring, hands the World Title off, and waits on the bell.]

DING!  DING!  DING!

DDK:
Scott explodes on Rix at the bell!  Lighting up the challenger with alternating roundhouse kicks, solebutt and a buzzsaw roundhouse sends Rix straight to the mat!

[Scott follows up.  He dives on Rix, lays in forearm shots as fast as he can, and only backs off when Benny Doyle physically drags him away from his opponent.  Rix, sporting a fat lip, climbs to his feet.]

DDK:
Moving into a lock-up now, great go-behind by Rix, no, the champ’s out of it, Rix going down low to break the hold, and he hip tosses Scott to the mat!  Scott rolling through the attempted armlock, he counters, Rix counters with a wristlock, and he drops the champion to his knees!

[Rix hangs onto the wristlock.  Scott rolls through, counters into his own wristlock, moves in quickly and takes Rix up and over with a sick side suplex that drops him on the back of his neck.]

DDK:
Rix rolled to a seated position, and Scott delivering spinal taps!  

SWAAACK!

SWAAACK!

DDK:
The champion is in full control

Angus:
DUDE!  If you’re going to go all Joey I can’t get a word in?

DDK:
Alright, what did you have to add?

Angus:
TEEMDANJAR!

DDK:
...Scott following up on those spinal taps, he pulls Rix up to his feet, brings him up and down with a uranage to backbreaker!

[At this point, Junior Keeling and Aleczander appear at the top of the ramp.  Capital Punishment and Angel Trinidad follow shortly.]

DDK:
Team HOSS is out here… this is the first time they’ve crossed paths with the champion.

Angus:
I kinda hope that some shit happens, because the Truly Untouchables are half chicks, and these guys could throw them all over the arena!

[Keeling, however, applauds, and slowly the rest of Team HOSS joins in.  Scott throws a joking salute in their direction, pulls Rix to his feet, brings one of Rix’s arms underneath his own leg, his other arm around his neck in a cutthroat, lifts him up, inverts him and drops him on the back of his neck.]

DDK:
I have… no idea what to call that, but we’ve got Team HOSS out here, apparently enjoying the demise of Jimmy Rix, and Kai Scott showing off for their benefit with whateverthehell that move was.  But I think there’s not much left in Rix’s tank if Scott’s able to pull that off.

[Indeed, probably the only reason the move didn’t earn Scott a pinfall was because he didn’t try for one.]

DDK:
Scott’s setting Rix up, double underhook… KRYPTONITE!  It’s over!

[Scott kicks Rix over onto his back, but stops as Team HOSS yells.]

DDK:
And now Team HOSS encouraging the champion to have some fun at his opponent’s expense.  Scott picks Rix up, turns him upside down, AND HITS ZER SOZE!

[Keeling audibly asks for one more.  So Scott acquiesces.  He drags Rix into position, climbs to the top rope, and jumps off with the Mad Splash, landing right across Rix’s chest.]

ONE!  

TWO!

THREE!

[Scott stands up and dusts himself off.]

Quimbey:
Here is your winner: KAI SCOTT!

DDK:
I wish I could say I expected more out of this match, but Team HOSS’s presence distracted Rix off whatever gameplan he was managing to put together, and Scott just toyed with him for the remainder of the match.  And look at Keeling shake Scott’s hand!  Loathsome.

Angus:
No hating, Keebs!  If a brilliant managerial specialist like Junior Keeling respects Kai Scott that much, then clearly Kai Scott is fully deserving of that much respect.  And even more!

DDK:
But… I thought you hated…

Angus:
Stop it with the thinking, Keebs, it’s only going to get you in trouble.

[The LBC, Alceo Dentari, Tony Di Luca, and Vincent Rinaldi stroll the halls while Alceo and Tony discuss random business, Big Vinny trails behind like the gargantuan sentry that he is.]

“There’s that son-of-a-bitch!”

[Off camera another piece of unresolved business has caught sight of them.]

“Dentari!”

[Pausing in his tracks, Alceo Dentari and his cohorts turn towards the disturbance and they find a charging Dusty Griffith, who bull rushes towards all three members of the Legitimate Businessmen’s Club.]

[The giant Rinaldi takes the brunt of Griffith’s charge, while Dentari manages to avoid the rush and his partner, Di Luca joins the fray throwing cheap shots. Which is when Griffith’s friends, Frank Dylan James and Sam Turner Jr. join the fray, both attempting to pull Dusty back as DEFSEC gets involved.]

Sam Turner Jr.:
Come on, Dusty, git offa ‘im, he ain’t worth it.

[Despite his tree trunk like arms Sam struggles to restrain Dusty, who is still swinging wildly in Dentari’s direction. The Legitimate Businessmen’s club meanwhile backs off and allows DEFSEC to fill the gap between them and three of DEFIANCE’s self appointed heroes.]

Dusty Griffith:
Let go of me, Sam! Hngh!

Sam Turner Jr.:
Nu-uh, I ain’t lettin’ go no way.

[Beyond the wall of hair, muscles, fat and security shirts Alceo Dentari looks to his side and nudges Tony Di Luca in the ribs.]

Alceo Dentari:
This guy wants a piece a’ me.

[Turning to Rinaldi, Dentari starts to laugh. Very loudly, and very fakely.]

Alceo Dentari:
Yous seein’ this Vinny? Mayberry wants a piece a’ Alceo Dentari!

[Together Di Luca and Rinaldi join in on Dentari’s laughter.]

Alceo Dentari:
Go ahead, Sam, let the man go. Let’s see how he does, shall we?

[Quickly Alceo takes off his jacket and roughly tosses it into Big Vinny’s chest. He removes his cufflinks and tucks them into his waistcoat pocket before rolling his shirt sleeves up.]

Dusty Griffith:
Let go of me, Sam!

Sam Turner Jr.:
…

[Not knowing quite what to do Sam looks to Frank Dylan James for guidance, but obviously the Mastadon’s advice will only ever go one way.]

Frank Dylan James:
Let ‘im go.

[Reluctantly Sam releases Dusty, who throws himself at the wall of DEFSEC, almost clearing them in a single bound. Fitting perhaps as Dusty looks to land a superman punch right on the kisser of the Itty Bitty Italian.]

[But he doesn’t quite reach as together Di Luca and Rinaldi each grab one of Dentari’s arms and pull him out of harms way. DEFSEC turn and grab a hold of Griffith and pull him back, they manage to stop Dusty’s almost windmilling action by having one man restrain each of his arms as another grabs hold of his torso.]

Dusty Griffith:
RARGH!

[Through the confusion of each DEFSEC member shouting different instructions and Dusty’s almighty roar, Alceo Dentari takes the opportunity to lunge forward himself…]

THWUMP

[And land a hard right hook to Dusty’s chin.]

Frank Dylan James:
Yoo sunnuva-

[Frank takes a step forward, but his progress is halted by another wave of DEFSEC, including Head of Security, Wyatt Bronson, who flood the scene.]

Wyatt Bronson:
This shit ends right now!

[Wyatt turns to the LBC and point down the hallway.]

Wyatt Bronson:
Get them outta here!

[As the guards start to advance on them Dentari grins and pats his partners on their chests.]

Alceo Dentari:
No need… we was just leavin’...

[With that the LBC take their leave, all three of them reenacting the sucker punch Dentari delivered moments ago and laughing about it amongst themselves.]

Sam Turner Jr.:
Hey, Dusty… you OK, man?

[But Dusty doesn’t reply. He simply spits out a mouthful of blood as he stares daggers at the back of Dentari’s head.]

[Cut back to ringside.]

DDK:
Wow, Dusty Griffith would take on the World by himself if given half the chance.

Angus:
Especially if he could take the credit.

DDK:
You really, really still have it out for him?

Angus:
I just calls 'em how I sees 'em, Keebs, you know that.

DDK:
Yeah, sure, I know anything that goes on in your head...

Angus:
Let's cut back to the backstage, where it seems like Kelly Evans is about to get raped. Is that even possible?

DDK:
Angus!

Angus:
What? She's a hooer? Amirite?

[Cut.]

[No lead in intro, just annoying techno sounding garbage and the words “the big bad wolf” on repeat.]

Angus:
Well, it was nice knowing them, Keebs…

DDK:
Kelly Evans is certainly no wallflower.

Angus:
More like a cross between a cactus and a venus fly trap...

DDK:
Only she doesn’t swallow…

Angus: [snickering very loudly]
…..HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DDK: [sighs]
Walked right into that one.

[Angus continues to laugh hysterically as Dapper Don Hollywood makes his way out to the ring, trying his very best to puff himself up with as much bravado as he can muster.]

Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
Coming to the ring, hailing from West Hollywood, California… He stands at a height of Six Feet tall and weighs in at Two Hundred and Fifteen Pounds… He is the BIG BAD WOLF of the ANGEL CITY EXXXPRESS… This is DAPPER DOOOOOOONNNNNNN HOLLLLLLLYYYYWOOOOOOOOOOOD!!

DDK:
In any case, Hollywood’s problems certainly don’t begin and end with an enraged Kelly Evans, especially now that he’s being put to the test with an already agitated Dusty Griffith.

Angus:
You don’t think Kelly, of all people, would be that devious do you? To put a guy into a match with a big, angry, wrecking ball like Mayberry do you?

DDK:
Wouldn’t that usually be my line?

Angus:
Yeah, I was just trying it out for myself, see how the other side lives… Anyway, of course she would use that in her favor, she’s a bitch with a capital BITCH.

DDK:
Something tells me that by the end of tonight, at least three people will completely agree with you.

[Dapper Don gets into the ring, making for his corner where he proceeds to make sure his hair is just right as his music fades along the with the lights.]

[After a moment the lights begin to flash in rhythm with the opening drum beat of KISS’ “I Love It Loud” along with the sound of the audience stomping their feet in unison as well.]

Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
And now, coming to the ring, hailing from Boise, Idaho… He stands at a height of Six Feet Three Inches tall and weighs in at Two Hundred and Ninety Pounds… This is the WILD BRONCO… DUSSSSSTTTTTTTY GRRRRRRRIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFTH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

♫ Hey, hey, hey, hey, YEAH! ♫
♫ Hey, hey, hey, hey, YEAH! ♫
♫ Hey, hey, hey, hey, YEAH! ♫

[The voice of Gene Simmons calls forth Dusty Griffith, who bursts through the curtains and jogs down the ramp, no pomp, no circumstance, just a straight rush towards the ring.]

Angus:
Oh yeah, there’s not gonna be much left of Hollywood except a greasy, orange stain on the mat when Mayberry’s done with him.

DDK:
The man is certainly spoiling for a fight, that’s for sure. Sadly for ol’ Dapper Don, Dusty’s more than a handful when he’s not riled up.

Angus:
On the other hand, it could be fun to see what kind of damage Mayberry’ll do when he’s all pissed off and spoiling for a fight.

[Getting to the ropes, Dusty slows up only enough to climb through the ropes, which is exactly when Dapper Don decides he had better take his well being into his own hands.]

DDK:
Hollywood connects with a knee lift to the chest as Griffith was climbing through the ropes!

Angus:
Smart move, piss him off more, I’m sure Mister Honor and Respect won’t take issue with that down the line.

[Don pulls Dusty into the ring, clubbing him on the back a few times before raking his claws along Dusty’s spine as referee Carla Ferrari calls for the bell, officially starting the match. Shoving him into the corner, Hollywood puts the boots to Griffith, planting one after another into his midsection until Carla Ferrari pulls him back after a couple of her warnings were ignored.]

Angus:
Certainly going better for Hollywood than anyone would have thought it would.

DDK:
The man is a long time veteran of the sport, as we saw last week, when he and his partners are motivated enough they can make quite the showing for themselves.

[Dapper Don considers hitting on DEFIANCE’s lone female referee, but thinks better of it, remembering the task at hand. Going back to work, he subdues Griffith with a blow to the throat that gets another admonishment from Ferrari, but Don pays no mind to it as he goes back to planting a few more boots into Dusty’s gut. Stepping aside, he pushes Griffith’s head up, exposing his chest before he lays into him with a chop.]

KEEERRRAAACK!

”WHOOOOO!”

KEEERRRAAACK!

”WHOOOOO!”

KEEERRRAAACK!

”WHOOOOO!”

[Don turns away for a moment to bask in the glory.]

Dapper Don:
Yeeeaaah!

[When he turns around, the “oh shit” look is immediate...]

KEEERRRAAACK!

”WHOOOOO!”

[Griffith comes to life, lashing the orange skinned, Dapper Don’s chest with some vicious chops of his own. Each one causing Hollywood’s whole body to gesticulate oddly, legs kicking, arms flailing.]

KEEERRRAAACK!

”WHOOOOO!”

Angus:
And when they ask what lead to Dapper Don’s untimely demise, we’ll be able to say it was when he took his eye off of the ball.

KEEERRRAAACK!

”WHOOOOO!”

DDK:
I’m sure it was fun while it lasted.

KEEERRRAAACK!

”WHOOOOO!”

[Don backs away comically while Dusty follows, cracking him again and again with chops that begin to turn his orange tanned skin towards a more beet reddish color. Backing himself into the opposite corner, Hollywood does what any cornered animal would do.]

DDK:
Thumb to the eye!

Angus:
Whatever works, Keebs.

DDK:
Perhaps, but all he’s really doing is winding Dusty up.

Angus:
And the carnage that follows will be entertaining television.

[Don charges at Dusty, who had brought a hand up over his eye, and rams a shoulder into his gut and driving him back across the ring like a tackling sled. Crashing against the turnbuckles, Don takes the opportunity to ram his shoulder into Dusty’s midsection a couple more times before whipping him back across the ring.]

DDK:
What’s Dapper Don got in mind here?

Angus:
Whatever it is, he had better hurry up, because it looks like Mayberry’s starting to come to.

[Don charges across the ring...]

Angus:
Too late.

[...Just as Hollywood dove at Griffith, his intended target suddenly disappeared. Sidestepping, Griffith allowed Dapper Don to crash front first with a resounding impact against the turnbuckles. Moving behind Hollywood, who stumbles back into the waiting arms of Dusty Griffith as they grab hold of him with a waistlock and...]

DDK:
Oh my good god, Griffith just threw Don Hollywood halfway across the ring with a release German Suplex!

Angus:
Uh oh… INCOMING!

[Upon impact, Hollywood’s body rolled up with the momentum and landed him into the opposite corner where Griffith followed up, crushing him between his 290 pounds and the turnbuckles with an Avalanche Splash. Bouncing off of Don Hollywood, who slumps into the corner, Griffith releases a burst of emotion as he throws his arms out and roars to the crowd.]

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

DDK:
If ever there was a time I’m glad that I’m not a wrestler, right now is it.

Angus:
Yeah, you’re not a two sport star like me.

DDK: [sarcastically]
Some of us aren’t as brave as you, partner.

Angus: [completely not picking up the sarcasm]
Don’t worry, Keebs, you can live vicariously through me.

[Griffith closes the distance before he opens up with a barrage of right and left hooks, alternating his shots to the body and head as he pummels the bejesus out of him until Carla Ferrari has no choice but to force her way between Dusty and his human punching bag, Don Hollywood. Admonishing Dusty for not breaking off his assault when she commanded him the first time, Griffith nods and grunts his acknowledgement.]

Angus:
Jay-zuss, this guy’s an animal.

DDK:
An animal who’s on the warpath, unfortunately for Dapper Don, he ended up getting thrown under the bus for the actions of his teammates.

Angus:
And the fact that everyday is that time of the month with Kelly.

[Griffith returns to the corner, grabbing Hollywood as he takes two big handfuls of his formerly slicked back hair and pulls him back up to his feet after having slumped down to the floor. Pushing him back against the turnbuckles, Dusty unloads with a heavy forearm across Hollywood’s chest before whipping him back across the ring.]

DDK:
Here we go…

[Rushing back across the ring, Griffith lands with another Avalanche Splash, crushing Dapper Don yet again between himself and the corner. Griffith whips him back across once again and once more, charges back across the ring, but this time doesn’t leap into the splash, opting to run full speed until he crashes into Hollywood. Backing off, Griffith hits the ropes as Dapper Don stumbles out of the corner, completely punch drunk and levels him with the Rushin’ Elbow.]

DDK:
Dapper Don just got run over by the Stampede.

Angus:
Yeah, I think this is pretty much over.

[Griffith looks out to the crowd as he raises his arms up, clasping his hands together and then bringing them up and down, signalling for his perfected powerbomb.]

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Reaching down, Griffith pulls Hollywood up once again and right into position as he stuffs his head between his legs. One brutally quick moment later, he whips Dapper Don up and then drills him to the mat with as much force and speed as he can muster, driving Hollywood down with the Atomic Powerbomb and leans forward to roll Don up for the cover.]

Angus:
Christ, we’ve seen lots of dudes use a powerbomb over the years, Keebs, but Mayberry’s is just ridiculous.

DDK:
Yet another reason I’m glad to be out here and not in there, partner.

[ONE!]

[TWO!]

[THREE!]

*DING!* *DING!* *DING!*

Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
And your winner… By pinfall… DUSSSSSSTY GRRRRRRRRRRIFFFFFFFITH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Griffith pulls himself upright as he tosses aside Dapper Don’s legs. He stomps around the ring, mugging it up a bit for the cheering crowd before he stops Darren Quimbey from exiting the ring, asking for him to hand over the mic.]

[Griffith paces around the ring, his chest still heaving in deep breaths as he contemplates the words that he’ll be speaking.]

*PFFT* *PFFT* *PFFT*

[He continues to pace as he pats the receiver of the mic before raising it up to his mouth.]

Griffith:
Alceo. Dentari.

[Back and forth he paces like a caged animal that is waiting for it’s opportunity to strike back at it’s handlers.]

Griffith:
Brother, I don’t know what your problem is, frankly, I don’t give a goddamn. All I know is, since I’ve landed in DEFIANCE, you’ve made it clear that you and I, we have some urgent business that needs to be handled.

[He paces still, but he stares down the rampway the entire time.]

Griffith:
So I say lets handle it. You and me, in Germany, on pay-per-view, one on one…

Hell.

…I’ll fight all three of you if I have to, I don’t care, whatever it’s gonna take to put you and I together in this ring, so long as I get a chance to put these big ol’ mitts around your neck.

[Big Band.]

[I mean, really big.]

♫ How lucky can one guy be? ♫
♫ I kissed her and she kissed me ♫
♫ Like a fella once said ♫
♫ Ain’t that a kick in the head? ♫

Alceo Dentari:
Cut the music!

[The sound guy does just that and leaves Dentari standing at the end of the ramp with nothing but the sound of 3000 angry Austrians trying to drown him out.]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alceo Dentari:
 Yous wanna-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alceo Dentari:
...Yous wanna-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alceo Dentari:
Yous bastards better shut the hell up or I’ll come out there an’ clock yous all just like I did Mayberry earlier tonight!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alceo Dentari:
Speakin’ a’ which, are yous sure yous wanna be my personal punchin’ bag when we roll into Germany? Yous ain’t got no concussion after earlier, right? Yous is thinkin’ clearly, ain’t yous?

[In the ring Dusty nods as he continues to pace back and forth.]

Griffith:
Brother, I’m thinking clearly. I’m thinking that since you’ve got such a problem with me-

Alceo Dentari:
Woah, woah, woah, I ain’t got no problem with yous.

[Dusty’s brow… it arches.]

Alceo Dentari:
I warned yous that them waves yous was makin’ was rockin’ boats that was otherwise nice an’ steady. I warned yous that it was just a matter a’ time before yous was gonna get burned… But did yous listen?

[A shake of the head from Alceo.]

Alceo Dentari:
Yous had every chance to end this, Dusty. Yous coulda walked away at any point, but yous didn’t. Yous ignored the warnings, yous ignored the messages, an’ yous ain’t learned nothin’ since all this started… If yous had, you wouldn’t a’ jumped me earlier tonight. You’d a’ come to me, with your bags all packed, an’ you’d a’ thanked me from the bottom a’ your heart for showin’ yous the errors of your ways.

[Dentari fixes Dusty with a stare that almost forces him to stop pacing.]

Alceo Dentari:
It ain’t me that’s got the problem, Dusty…

It’s yous.

It’s always been yous, but you’re too stupid to realise it.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alceo Dentari:
An’ now that stupidity’s stretchin’ to challengin’ me?

[Dentari pauses for a moment and scratches his chin. Slowly a smile spreads across his lips.]

Alceo Dentari:
I’ll tell yous what, I’ll teach yous one more lesson in Germany. Maybe this one will finally stick.

THWUMPKZZZZZZT

[Dentari drops the mic as Dusty points out to him and nods his agreement, a grin stretches across his face knowing he’s got the fight he’s looking for. The fans roar with excitement.]

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

DDK:
Holy crap, it’s on! Dusty Griffith vs. Alceo Dentari in Germany!

Angus:
It’ll the Meat-ah-ball versus the Meat-uh-head!

[We cut to the backstage area, most specifically the area of the locker room of The Truly Untouchables. From stage left we see Ryan Matthews, and the diminutive fourth of Hookers and Blow, Pinis 2000, appear. Ryan carrying a large roll of what appears to be Saran Wrap, Pinis a pair of scissors and a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s.]

Pinis:
Eugene Dewey?

Matthews:[Sighs]
I told you Piney, just trust me, this is gonna be awesome.

Pinis:
Bronson Box....

Matthews:
Okay really, you’re gonna bring that shit up now? Yes, getting the liger was a good idea, it made the party that much better dammit. And what the hell are you complaining for? You’re the only one who apparently got any that night...

Pinis: [thumbs up and cheesy grin]
Cancer Jiles!

Matthews:
Yeah yeah, now just help me dammit so we can get this done, ya know, BEFORE they come out looking to figure out what’s going on?

[Pinis snaps to, helping Matthews unroll a good sized length of the saran wrap, before uncapping the bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s and coating the Saran Wrap heavily. The smaller man hands Matthews the scissors and soon the length of wrap is cut.]

Matthews:
Shit! I forgot to bring the duct tape!

[Seemingly by magic, Pinis produces a small roll of duct tape and hands it to Matthews.]

Matthews:
One of these days you’re gonna have to explain to me how you do that shit...

Pinis:
Dusty Griffith...

[The two quickly place the length of syrup ladened saran wrap at what would be a good enough height to get any member of The Truly Untouchables, and they tape the sides of the wrap to the doorframe.]

Matthews:
Alright, take the tape, scissors and syrup and disappear. I’ll be along shortly.

Pinis:
Eugene Dewey?

Matthews:
This shit is gonna be hilarious, I’m gonna be out here ready to Youtube this...

[Just then, the two hear the door handle start to turn and they dive behind a pile of equipment a few feet away.]

[Emerging from the locker room are Diane Parker, Leon Maddox and David Race. Parker, in front, has her head turned back to the locker room interior.]

Parker:
We’ll be back after we take care of some b...

[Her sentence is cut off as she turns her head and runs face first into the syrupy saran wrap, essentially clotheslining herself with it as it sticks to her on the way down. Maddox and Race watch the whole thing happen, and are caught between being pissed and laughing...so they do nothing as Parker flails around for a bit.]

Matthews: [Stops the recording on his cell phone]
And...cut! YOUTUBE, BITCH!

[Both Matthews and Pinis emerge from the nearby equipment pile and beat feet as quickly as they can. Meanwhile Parker gets to her feet, face red with anger, even though she still has it encased in saran wrap.]

Parker:
THHSSS UT! RMM THUSS BSSSRD DNNN!

[Maddox and Race look at each other, then back at her.]

Maddox:
Uh...what?

[Angrily, Parker grabs at the Saran Wrap and rips it off her face, causing a sudden look of shock and pain on her face for a moment...Obviously a few eyebrows or eyelashes getting plucked by the sticky situation she found herself in.]

Parker:
AAAAAHHHH! SON OF A....I said...RUN THOSE BASTARDS DOWN!

[Maddox and Race snap to, heading off in the direction Pinis and Matthews took off in as Parker follows behind, struggling to get the Saran wrap off of herself as best she can.]

[Backstage.]

[The Boss's office.]

[You know how we do.]

[Eric Dane sits behind his desk, reclined. Across from him, sitting in as lady-like of a manner that she can muster, (especially in that skirt), is Kelly Evans, formerly the Whore Next Door.] 

[Somewhere, elsewhere, Pete Whealdon is dead, Don Hollywood is in a coma, and Rich Mahogany is shitting his thong.]

Eric:
So, this is what you wanna do now?

Kelly:
I mean, why not, right? You do it, how hard can it be?

[Rimshot?]

[Dane rolls his eyes.]

Eric:
This is serious, Kels, you can't just shake your tits at this. You wanna be taken seriously by the boys and girls, you gotta earn their respect. On top of that, you have to have a certain...

[He scratches his chin.]

Kelly:
Bitchiness? Yeah, got that covered.

Eric:
I dunno. I mean, if you're running the show, who's gonna bring me coffee?

Kelly:
Very funny, ass.

[The boss contemplates for a moment.]

Eric:
Fine. Tell you what, you can have Canada. I could really stand to be down in New Orleans, there's a lot to do before we get back to the States, and I can oversee it better if I'm not all jacked up on Maple Syrup all the time.

Kelly:
Fine! Wait, what?

Eric:
Canada. The book is yours. Don't fuck it up.

[Without batting an eye she squeals and hops over the desk, hugging the neck of the most dangerous man in the promoting business.]

[Cut back to Darren Quimbey at ringside for more ACX torture.]

[Hookers and Blow!]

[They are walking and talking and laughing as Ryan Matthews regales his comrades with H-N-BIZZLES latest “attack” on their desired target, Diane Parker, carried out by the man himself.]

Ryan:
Oh man you guys should have seen that shit...it was awesome, and it already has like 10,000 hits on youtube. She couldn’t even talk straight she was so pissed.

Sam:
NICE!

Ty:
Bitches… They be gettin’ all wet and sticky wherever we go, mang.

[Ry, Sam and Ty continue to laugh at Parker’s expense as they round the corner, when suddenly Leon Maddox jumps out of nowhere and…]

SSSSSSSPPPPPPLLLLLLAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH!

Sam:
The fuck…

”PFFFFFFTTT-AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

[Ryan and Ty however break out in a fit of laughter as they point at Sam, who took nearly all of the surprise explosion of Purple Drank that splashed all over his head, face, and chest. Tossing the super extra large cup, it hitting Sam right on the forehead, Maddox bolts down the hall with Sam quickly in pursuit.]

[A moment later.]

Ty:
Uh… ahem… right… so…

Ryan:
We should probably go after them, yeah?

[Nodding their mutual agreement on the matter, Ty and Ry take off down the hall only a few seconds later.]

[Cut.]

[Sprinting down the hall, Leon Maddox passes through an open security gate with Sam Horry still hot on his trail. Lennox reaches the end of the corridor to find that the security gate in front of him is closed just as Horry passes through the open gate.]

[Seeing Maddox trapped and alone, in his blind fury, Horry doesn’t notice that Diane Parker is crouched and hidden near the gate.]

[Horry runs through at full speed… and just as he passes, Diane stands and slams the gate shut.]

Diane:
Surprise, nigga.

[Before Sam can do anything, Maddox goes low and chop blocks his legs out from under him.  He circles Sam, stomping away, as Diane takes a wad of chewing gum out of her mouth and smears it right into the lock on the gates, fouling up the keyhole.]

[David Race appears.  He’s got an 18’’ length of pipe in his hands, and he slaps it against his palm as he looks down on Sam Horry.]

[Ty and Ryan come right up against the gate.  Ty shakes it.  Ryan goes for the lock, recoils in disgust.]

Diane:
Still think it’s funny?  Do you?

Ty:
Mothafucka…Y’all know there ain’t no comin’ back from this shit, right?

Sam: [struggling]
Make it good!

[Maddox grabs Horry’s arm and twists it.  Race swings the bar, bashing it across Horry’s forearm!  Horry howls in pain as Race takes another swing.  Maddox keeps his foot on Horry’s shoulder, holding him in place, and Race smashes him in the upper arm.

Diane:
Oh what, why so sad?  I thought it was all fun and games until someone got hurt… OH WAIT.

[Diane cackles almost like a witch.]

Ryan:
Bitch, you ain’t going to be laughing in a minute...Second I get through this gate I’m gonna fuck you up so bad that even Angus would recoil at the idea of fucking you.

[Matthews grabs at the lock and pulls at the gate.  He shakes it pretty well, but it’s staying shut.  Out of desperation Ty grabs a chair and attacks the gate with it, to no effect.]

[Race hands the pipe to Diane and takes over control of Sam’s arm from Maddox.  He twists it up behind him and sits down on Sam’s back with the Armed and Dangerous V1.  Sam howls in pain.  Race, maybe finally having some fun as a Truly Untouchable, laughs at the distress of Walker and Matthews.]

Ty:
Keep laughin’, nigga, this shit ain’t gonna be funny when I’m slappin’ the HALE outta all’a you mothafuckas.

[Maddox picks up a fire extinguisher and hands it to Diane.]

Diane:
Oh I don’t know Ty, I think it’s going to be pretty funny for a long time.  I mean, you’re going to have to wrestle a man down, and then we’ll easily take the trios titles from you, and what then?

[She depresses the fire extinguisher.  A cloud of white smoky foam engulfs Matthews and Walker on the far side of the gate.  And to finish off, she hits the fire extinguisher against Horry’s head.]

[Race finally drops Horry, leaving his arm twisted awkwardly behind him, and the Truly Untouchables trio strolls away.  Diane withdraws a key and unlocks the far gate, and they disappear into the hallways.]

[Walker and Matthews, both dusted with fire extinguisher foam, can only stare through the gate as their tag partner, arm mangled and bleeding from the head, lies on the floor groaning.]

[Cut away.]

Angus:
You know what, I try and I try and I try to like these Truly Untouchables. I really do. And then they go and do something like this, and it makes me wish I hadn't hung up the ol' boots, yanno?

DDK
I know you're a girl who would run away screaming if any of those three Tee-Yoo-Tees got their hands on you.

Angus:
Aw, Keebs, fuck you, man, I was tryna have a moment. Lemme skip right to the point then. Tyrone Walker and Ryan Matthews around going to lock those two little homos in a closet while they run the train on Diane Parker, and then we she's done getting the Finger Cuffs treatment, they're gonna sell her into White Slavery in Africa. Bet.

DDK:
You're out of your mind, take us somewhere else. Anywhere!

DDK:
Angus… Angus

[Angus has his back turned looking around the arena.]

Angus
What!

[Angus snaps around and gives the look of deepest sincerity.]

Angus
I ordered my damn Stiegl 20 minutes ago and it’s still not here.  Last week it was my pizza, now, now it’s my BEER!

DDK:
Angus it’s time for the number one contender’s match for the Southern Heritage Championship, the winner of this match faces a longtime rival of yours in Curtis Penn. Thoughts?

[Angus has gone back to looking for his beer, this time he is standing on his chair looking over the crowd.]

Angus
Huh? Oh, I see it… OVER HERE!

[The vendor goes in the other direction. Angus slumps and takes his seat next to DDK.]

Angus
He just walked away…

[Angus’ eyes wet.]

Angus
Why would he do that? I’m so thirsty.

[DDK’s eyes show a mixture of sympathy and anguish.]

Angus
Alright Darren let’s call this match.

[Angus props his chin on his balled up fist. ]

DDK:
……

Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 20 minute time limit for the Number 1 Contendership for the Southern Heritage Championship!

[Cue Savatage’s “Morphine Child.”  Stepping out from the gorilla position is the Red and Blue clad masked wrestler Stockton Pyre.  He stands at the top of the ramp and, just before the song goes from low-key to a burst of guitar-led hard music, Pyre claps his hands together twice and, as the burst comes over the sound system, Pyre raises both fists in the air, to a politely positive reception.]

Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
Now making his way to the ring he comes from Parts Unknown… Standing at Six Feet Six Inches tall and weighing in at Two Hundred and Sixty Six Pounds… This is… STTTTTOOOOCCCCKKKKTOOOONNNN PYYYYYYYYRRRRRRRRRRE!

Angus
In recent weeks Stockton Pyre has shown a mixture of bravery and talent. He has stood up to the likes of The Legitimate Businessman’s Club and to the Southern Heritage Champion Curtis Penn.

[Stunned, DDK stands up on his chair and locks eyes with the closest vendor.]

DDK:
BEER ME!

[In a moment there is a plastic cup of golden refreshment placed in front of DDK. He slides it over to his colleague.  Angus double grasps the cup and in less than a second the cup is upside down and the contents are emptying down the throat of Angus Skaaland.]

DDK:
I couldn’t take it any longer. You, you were giving information. I was scared.

[They lock eyes.]

Angus
Me too, I never want to be in that place again.

[While all this happened, Pyre made his way down the rampway, occasionally and cautiously slapping a fan’s hand that reaches up for a high five.  He had also stepped into the ring, went to the middle of the ring, clapped both hands together in a clap and then pumps his fists in the air again.]

[In the present again, Pyre bounces off the ropes as “Airship Pirate” by Abney Park blasts out from the speakers as red lights flashes through the arena. A red-goggled man with a leather brace and a wild grin marches down the ramp with something in between a haunch and a strut.

Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
From SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA…weighing in at TWO hundred THIRTY seven pounds…HENRYYYYYYYYYY KEEEEEEEEEEEEYES!

DDK:
If you can sum up what Henry Keyes is all about in two words what would they be?

[He holds up the plastic up in one hand and smashes it with both hands.]

Angus
BELL CLAP! I just wished that he would be a lil’ cooler, those goggles are nice and all, but they are not SHADES! Last week he did earn a lil’ spot next to my heart when he beat Jonny Booya, the only thing that would have made that match better is if it was The King of COOL instead of Henry Keyes.

[Angus pauses and notices the third chair set up next to DDK.]

Angus
When did that chair get there?

DDK:
While you were acting all weird and shit calling the entrance of Stockton Pyre.

[Angus is looking confused.]

Angus
No I wasn’t. Seriously, why is that chair there?

DDK:
A stage hand ran down here and set the chair up and the extra set of headphones.

[Suddenly, "Enae Volare Mezzo” echoes over the sound system. Standing at the top of the ramp is the Southern Heritage Champion Curtis Penn. He rips off the Stars and Bars from around his waist and raises it high in the air.]

[The two competitors stare up at the ramp, Keyes motions for Penn to join them by sitting on the middle rope. Curtis Penn makes his way towards the ramp.]

Angus
I hope that they kill that lil’ fuck.

DDK:
What is your problem with Curtis Penn exactly?

Angus
He is a liar, cheater, thief, and a no talent hack! AND HE CHEATS!

DDK:
Your rational perplexes me. Team Danger and Cancer Jiles have done it all and you praise them like some sort of gods.

[Angus makes the sign of the cross over his chest.]

Angus
Stephen Greer, Tyrone Walker, and The King of Cool!

[Stockton Pyre and Henry Keyes back up as Penn grabs the top rope and goes to send himself over, just prior to it he smiles and shakes his index finger gesturing that he is going to the announcer’s table.]

Angus
Why is he pointing over here?

[Angus looks over at the empty chair and head set.]

Angus
Awe… FUCK! Where’s my knife! I’ll kill him!

[DDK places his hands on Angus’ shoulder to try and keep him calm. ]

DDK:
I’m sure he came down here for more than to jaw with you. These are the two guys going after his title.

[Penn walks in front of the table; he shakes the hand of DDK. To Angus he feigns an attack that sends his chair out from under him sending him crashing to the floor. Curtis takes his seat next to DDK, while Angus regains his seat.]

Penn
Wow, so this is how the ring looks from down here! Darren it’s a pleasure to be calling the match with you. Angus, the restroom needs to be cleaned, get on your job.

[Angus’ face turns a bright shade of red.]

Penn
From my recollection you spent a lot of time on your hands and knees cleaning the stalls at Dane’s academy.

Angus
That’s it! I’m gonna kill him!

[DDK pushes Angus back into his seat.]

DDK:
And the bell sounds it’s time for these two Defiance rookies to see who will get a chance at our champion over here.

Penn
Oh, how cute, they’re shaking hands.

[Keyes bypasses Stockton’s out stretched hand and clasps his forearm for a Roman-esque
handshake. Stockton looks down a bit confused but acknowledges the gesture.]

Penn
They’re doing that gay forearm grab thing.  Angus, did you teach them that?

DDK:
Alright guys, we should start calling this match.

Penn
Keyes and Pyre lock up…

Angus
DDK, it looks like a traditional show of strength here.

Penn
Size and leverage should give the edge to Stockton Pyre!

[Keyes is down to one knee and powers back up to a vertical position.]

Angus
HA! Shows what you know, Keyes, the smaller of the two powers himself back to a vertical base.

[DDK just stares with a dropped jaw at Angus.]

Angus
I didn’t get this gig because I can make Dane’s shoes shine!

Penn
That’s not the only thing you shined of his.

[Stockton hooks Keyes in a side headlock.  Keyes throws a few kidney shots to get Pyre to release the advantage, he shoves Pyre from the back and sends him into the far ropes. Keyes leap frogs the big man on the return only to have a double axe hammer blow smash him in his chest. Penn cringes.]

DDK:
What a blow from the big man! Curtis, just from the sheer size and strength that Pyre possesses how do you plan on stopping a blow like that?

Penn
Unlike you partner over there I possess a superior intellect, Darren, I would just side step the man and use a drop toe hold and then I would embarrass him with my superior wrestling skills. But, you’re right he is a big man, but I’ve beaten bigger men.

Angus
I heard you like beating bigger men.

[Pyre walks over and lifts Keyes to his feet and strikes him with an open palm strike that spins Keyes around and clenches his hands around the waist of Keyes.]

DDK:
THE POWER of Stockton Pyre is being shown as he releases that German Suplex and causes Keyes to flip over in mid-air and land on his stomach and face!

Penn
Keyes should have lowered his goggles there, he went airborne!

[Angus is tossing papers left and right when he finally comes up with the correct one.]

Angus
Stockton Pyre calls that the Opening Statement. Him being a journalist it kinda fits!

DDK:
I don’t think this is starting the way Keyes’s would have liked, I’m sure he planned on using speed and endurance to out wrestle Pyre, but right now Pyre is just having his way with the Air Pirate.

[Keyes is pulled to one knee, strikes Pyre in the mid-section a couple of times, but Pyre puts stop to it with a clubbing blow to the left arm. ]

Penn
Smart move by Pyre, keep Keyes from having any offence and that left arm is a weak point in that guys armor. I wouldn’t let up on it.

Angus
Except that you did and you went to his right arm.

Penn
Like I told him he needed a matching set, his attire was out of balance.

[Stockton helps Keyes back to his feet and whips him into the far corner, following close behind and delivers a nasty back elbow to the jaw of Keyes.]

DDK:
Stockton loves to club and strike, those elbows are nasty.

Penn
For a guy who has never had any formal training as a striker he really does have some good precision. That back elbow would have been better placed above the eyebrow; it would serve a doubled purpose by opening up a cut and the blood would have blinded Keyes. These are the things I was trying to show him in his first match.

[Stockton belly to belly suplexes him out of the corner, he slowly approaches Keyes.]

DDK:
It looks like Pyre wants to slow things down, he might not be able to keep up the pace he’s set for this match.

[Keyes pops up before Pyre makes it to him and starts on a barrage of European Uppercuts.]

DDK:
Keyes has finally found some sort of offense with those European Uppercuts.

Penn
He’s gained some separation. This is where he should slide out of the ring, regain his composure, and come up with a game plan.

Angus
That’s what you would do Curt? Run, like a chicken, we’ve all see it over the last few weeks. You’ve gotten a yellow streak.

Penn
Says the man who couldn’t throw a proper punch.

[Keyes sends the big man across the ring, off the ropes, Bell Clap!]

Angus
BELL CLAP! OMG I hope his hits you with that Curt, I would love to see it pop your head like a grape.

[Keyes drops a knee on the fallen Pyre’s shoulder area.]

DDK:
He’s trying to weaken that shoulder, perhaps for a submission maneuver.

[He lifts the arm and slams it down on the mat. Keyes then locks fingers and encourages Pyre to stand. Keyes wrenches the arm and yanks down hard on the left arm. This drops Pyre down to his knees, Keyes with a boot to the shoulder that sends Pyre down to the mat.]

DDK:
Keyes with a pin attempt.

Carla Ferrari::
1….

2….

KICKOUT.

DDK:
Keyes is starting to look frustrated.

Angus
Both men want Penn, both men want that championship…

Penn
Both men just want another ass whoopin’. Keyes’ should have locked on an armbar and made the man tap. Instead he tries to pin him, rookie mistake.

[Stockton wipes the cobwebs from his head as he stands up, Keyes back on the attack, they collide mid-ring throwing fists. Stockton lands a hard right that rocks Keyes. Keyes lands his own big right hand.]

DDK:
TOE TO TOE, both men are throwing big right hands.

[Stockton hits two in a row, grabs the wrist of Keyes and pulls him in and hits him with back to back shoulder thrusts. He pulls him in and launches him over his head with a belly to belly, Keyes bounces and Stockton covers.]

Carla Ferrari::
1…..

2….

KICKOUT!

DDK:
Both men don’t want to give up. They both want a shot at the SoHer Championship.

Penn
They might want it, but they don’t deserve it. Neither one of them have shown me any more than the other no talent hacks in the back. 

Angus
No talent hacks… I’d place money on Pyre or Keyes would beat your ass and take your title!

DDK:
Angus, as your friend and broadcast partner I wouldn’t bet against this man.

Penn
That’s right, the Southern Heritage Championship is staying firmly around my waist. I could beat both of those men in the same ring at the same time and walk out unscathed.

[Pyre pulls Keyes up and launches him into the ropes and Pyre scoops him up and inadvertently knocks Carla Ferrarii to the mat.]

DDK:
Looks like Pyre was setting up for Paradise Lost, but Ferrari was too close and is on the ground.

Penn
That’s the problem with referees they get in the way of the action, now look, Stockton didn’t finish the brainbuster and is now checking on the ref.

Angus
Keyes is back to his feet now and has a chance to turn the tide in the match.

[Keyes walks up behind the kneeling Pyre who is trying to shake the referee awake.]

Penn
This is when you lay waste to the unsuspecting victim.

Angus
The ref is down.

Penn
They’ll send another one out.

[Keyes touches Pyre on the shoulder, Pyre tenses and looks up at Keyes.]

Penn
What are they conversing about… finish the match!

[Keyes throws up both of his arms in an “X”. In which the medical staff runs out to check out the situation.]

DDK:
The centrifugal force from the scoop must have knocked her completely out and their taking extra precautions by placing her on the stretcher and immobilizing her.

[Keyes and Stockton stand back as the medical staff helps Carla Ferrari onto a stretcher.]

DING
DING
DING

Darren “DQ” Quimbey:
As a result of Carla Ferrari’s injury this match is ruled a NO CONTEST!

[Stockton and Keyes shake hands and agree that it is the right call. But, Curtis Penn does not agree, he slams down his head seat and grabs the microphone from Darren Quimbey’s hand.]

Penn
Excuse me!

[The crowd parts as he pushes himself through them and onto the ring apron.]

Penn
Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb, yeah you two, the ones quitting on the match!

[Keyes taps Pyre on the shoulder asking if Penn was talking to them. Penn makes his way into the center of the ring.]

Penn
Both of you, in this ring now! You just don’t quit in a Number One Contender’s match, there can be only one WINNER!

[At that moment another microphone goes live, this time it’s in the hands of Angus Skaaland.]

Angus
Oh Curtis…hey, over here nimrod!

[Curt takes a step or two back in the direction of the announcer’s table.]

Penn
You hush, I’m talking to …too, they’re not wrestlers, we don’t quit in the middle of a fight.

[The camera shoots over to a smiling Angus.]

Angus
That’s what I was going to talk to you about. Just moments ago you told the entire world that you would beat both of them and come out, how did you put it, unscathed? Here’s your chance big man, why don’t you take them both on at the iPPV!

[The crowd hears this and they like it, Keyes and Pyre like it, but Penn not so much. But he’s not much on losing face he twists his beard with his free hand and raises the microphone back to his lips.]

Penn
Don’t you two look all cozy and shit, all grinning like ya’ll are best buds. Let me tell you both something that you should know about the industry you’re in, the guys that stand to your right are just as dangerous as the guys who will stand behind you and put a knife in your back. In fact the ones, who you trust, ride the roads with, and share a room with are the most dangerous of them all because you’ll think that they would never turn on you.

[Keyes and Pyre look at each other for a second and turn back to Penn still grinning.]

Angus
Quit your stalling shit head. What is it going to be, are you going to be the big bad Curtis Penn and take on both of these guys at the iPPV or are you going to be the chicken shit weasel Curtis Penn and sneak out of the iPPV all together?

[Penn walks to the ropes nearest to Angus and extends his middle finger in a rude salute.]

Penn
Fuck you, you’re a commentator. And it’s about time you keep them to yourself.

[He struts back over to the far ropes and places his arms on the top rope, holding the microphone back to his lips.]

Penn
You both want a piece of Curtis Penn…

[Keyes is motioning for all of Curtis Penn, while Pyre places an arm on Henry Keyes to hold him back.]

Penn
So you think you deserve a shot at Curtis Penn, The Southern Heritage Champion?

Angus
Quit your stalling… Yes or Fucking NO, COWARD!

[Curtis simply extends an arm and another outstretched middle finger towards Angus from the far side of the ring, never taking his eyes off of Keyes or Pyre.]

Penn
Shut up and fuck you.

[Penn exhales sharply.]

Penn
At Grindhouse: GERMANY 2014 it will be your Southern Heritage Champion , Curtis Penn, because the champion always has top billing; versus …

[He momentarily pauses, you know for effect.]

Penn
Stockton Pyre!

BOOO!
BOOO!
BOOO!

[He raises his hands to the crowd motioning them to settle down.]

Penn (whispering.)
And Henry Keyes.

[The crowd erupts as Pyre and Keyes pat each other on the back; they turn around to walk through the curtains.]

Penn
Opie and Andy wait a moment.

[They stop and turn back to Curtis Penn and gesturing what now.]

Penn
You both had a week to prepare for the match you just had and it was almost a two star match, it was close.

[He holds up his thumb and index finger to show just how close it was.]

Penn
Since you’re both going to be in the ring with me at the iPPV I’m going to show you both how to put on a five star caliber match. I want you both to understand what it means to be in the ring with a FIVE star wrestler like myself and the perfection I expect inside of this ring. Now you’re dismissed to sit in the back and take notes. Pyre, I know you’re really good at writing shit down; maybe you can let your half-witted friend copy them when you’re done.

[Keyes is done with the insults and starts towards the ring; Pyre quickly cuts him off and whispers into his ear. Keyes nods with a certain amount of respect and follows Pyre into the back.]

DDK:
Angus you seem especially proud of yourself?

Angus
Yep , the Germany iPPV is going to be so much fucking fun! Curtis will lose his title and fall back into insignificance.

[Penn taps his mic.]

Penn
I’m not done yet! You see I’m all dressed up and with no dance partner.

[He means he is already dressed in his wrestling attire.]

Penn
So here it is, I want a fight!

[Angus stands up.]

Penn
We’ve already addressed this, Angus you’re a commentator and a janitor. Sit down.

[He looks towards the backstage area.]

Penn
There are at least two dozen people sitting around in the back wanting a shot at the Southern Heritage CHAMPION, but sadly out of those couple of dozen guys and girls there are only five people back there that could give me what I’m looking for.

[His first finger rises.]

Penn
Eric Dane, but his suit and tie might get dirty if he were get up from his desk. So, that would be a no.

[He pauses.]

Penn
Two, Jeff Andrews, but I’m not even sure he’s in the building.

[Smiling.]

Penn
The Defiance Champion Kai Scott! Alas he has already fought his one time this month, so I know he won’t be stepping out from behind that curtain.

[He paces the ring.]

Penn
Four is actually taking it a step down this one might be a four and three quarter star that would be Tyrone Walker.

[The crowd erupts at the mention of Blackamus Prime!]

Penn
Silence from the back, huh, he must be too busy with Claira. I wouldn’t turn that down either.

[He laughs when the crowd releases their feelings in boos and hisses.]

Penn
Five… Five

[He pauses.]

Penn
I meant four people in the back that would be a good fight. So it looks I’ll take on anyone who steps through that fucking curtain! Anyone who has a set of balls that wants to fight!

[His face turns red.]

Penn
I CANNOT be the only fucking person in this COMPANY who has a set of KING KONG NUTS! ANYONE! Not ONE GAWDDAMNPERSON!

[Spit flies. He looks back towards Angus and starts motioning him to step into the ring. DDK starts waving him off, telling him no. Penn makes it to the rings edges when...]

♫ Everyone seems to be singing for Satan ♫
♫ Guess I will too ♫
♫ What a joke! You make me laugh ♫
♫ 'Til I turn blue ♫

DDK:
Is that…

Angus:
HEIDI CHRISTENSON’S MUSIC!

[“Writhe,” by Kyuss reverberates through the crowded venue. Curtis Penn drops the microphone to the ground and utters two words one syllable apiece.]

Penn
Fuck Me.

[He turns around and swallows.]

DDK:
Curtis and Heidi have met once before and it did not turn out in Penn’s favor. Heidi took the career from Curtis’ one time friend and mentor Mike Sloan and Curt hounded her for a match afterwards. When it was finally awarded she made short work of Curtis in that match.

Angus:
POPCORN… IMA NEED SOME POPCORN! This is going to be good.

[Curtis stands in the middle of the ring, shirt off, waiting for Heidi.]

♫ Every tailor's out to ware ♫
♫ What a menhir looking crew ♫
♫ I don't think I'll tease my hair ♫
♫ I'd rather sit here teasing you ♫

♫ Won't you writhe like snakes down on the floor ♫
♫ Out you go and he done one hundred and more ♫

[Heidi Christenson walks out onto the ramp, one hand on her hip and a microphone in the other. “Writhe” fades as she stands there.]

Heidi Christenson:
So I was sitting backstage, listening to some annoying little twerp ramble on, and wishing that I had a pair of [finger quotes] King Kong Nuts [/quotes] so that I could go out and shut him up.  Then I realized something.

[Evil smile.]

Heidi:
I’ve never needed those for anything.  And anyway… it’s just Curtis Penn.

”OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Heidi:
I’ve got a World Title shot in one card’s time, I’ve had a nice six week vacation, I’m back, I’m ready to wrestle again, and Curtis Penn’s issuing an open challenge?

[Off-mic evil laugh.]

Heidi:
We’re gonna have us some fun, boy.

DING! DING! DING!

DDK:
And here we go!  Penn!  Heidi!

[Penn tries to get the jump on Heidi with a front kick.  Heidi ducks the kick, single legs him to the mat, drops back to jam his ankle and twists his leg up into a heel hook.  Penn scrambles, getting his arms on the ropes, as Heidi backs off and spreads her arms.]

DDK:
You never know what’s going to happen when you issue an open challenge like Penn just did.  You might get a rookie looking for a few moments on the air - I’d like to take this time to remind Defiance fans that of all those talent enhancement wrestlers we signed, few of them have even worked a match for us yet - and then sometimes you get a veteran looking for someone to make an example of.

[Penn gets a grapple and tries to drag Heidi to the mat with a guillotine choke.  Heidi rolls over his body, unhooks the headlock with a triangle armbar, uses the armbar to flip Penn over, wraps the arm around his neck, her legs around the other arm, and rolls over into.]

DDK:
I’d have to call that a… crucifix cobra clutch, I think.

Angus:
Upside down reverse FUCK YOU lock!

[Penn kicks his legs frantically, manages to break loose.  This time he tackles Heidi to the mat, trying to do as much damage with his fists as he can.  Heidi gets her arms up and deflects the worst of it before calmly putting her leg on the bottom rope.  Although Penn got the better of that one, he’s breathing hard.  Heidi gets up, smiles, and adjusts her hair.]

[Heidi throws a snap roundhouse.  To Penn’s credit he gets his leg up and blocks it.  Without putting her leg down, Heidi raises her foot higher and smacks him on the side of the head with it.  Penn staggers, Heidi jumps with the flying bodyscissors and rolls him to the mat.  She applies the body triangle as Penn rolls to his back for defense, then levers himself up on one elbow to avoid being pinned.]

Angus:
See, that’s the worst part about fighting Heidi.  I guarantee you that no matter how pissed off he is at this, or how worried he’s got to be about losing an arm, he’s got at least a quarter-chub going on there.  I mean, on your back, in between her legs...

DDK:
Angus, maybe you shouldn’t…

Angus:
I’m just saying, anyone who works against Heidi is working stiff, knowwhatimean?

[DDK just sighs.]

[Right now between Penn and Heidi it’s a little game of guessing, Heidi trying to figure out how to attack and Penn trying to guess what she’s going to do and guard against it.]

[Heidi finally rolls to her back, dragging Penn with her.  She shoots in on the arm, and slowly works her way around behind him.  Penn tries for the ropes, Heidi releases the triangle, stands, tries to pull Penn up with a full nelson,  Penn stomps her foot, back kicks her in the knee, and takes her to the mat with a wakigatame!]

DDK:
Everything taken into consideration Penn’s no slouch.  He’s clung to that Southern Heritage Title for a few months now, and this isn’t the first time his mouth has backed him into a corner.

[Penn gets greedy.  He lets go of the wakigatame and tries to sink in a knee cross on Heidi’s left leg.  Heidi blocks him from getting it properly applied, hits him with a knee to the forehead, and…]

THWAAAAACK!!

[Buzzsaw kick to the forehead!]

[Penn reels backwards on his knees, arms flailing as he tries to keep his balance… for some fucking reason, because she just kicks him again.]

Angus:
This is what daddy likes to see!

[Heidi runs the ropes and plows knee first into Penn’s face, sending him sprawling, and goes for a cover.]

ONE!

TWO!

[Penn kicks out in two. Heidi doesn’t seem concerned.  She grabs Penn’s leg, twists it to the side and sits down behind him, applying a lateral crab.]

Angus:
Here’s the thing, see.  Penn does the MMA thing, he’s real smug about it.  Heidi works the “traditional” martial arts things into her professional wrestling, and because she’s in a ring not a cage it works for her, and she makes guys like Penn look like goobers.

[Penn gets the ropes.  Heidi hangs on for just a little bit too long, and Penn is able to kick off and toss her between the bottom and middle ropes.  The fans clear a nice big safe out of kicking distance spot for Heidi to land in, but she tries to get right back into the ring, Penn intercepts her and starts laying in punches to the kidneys and mounted knees as fast as he can manage them.  Pulling Heidi up, he belly to belly suplexes her into the middle of the ring.]

[Now that he’s got some solid offense in, he gets brave.  He grabs Heidi by the chin and screams in her face.]

Penn:
YOU THINK THIS IS FUN?  YOU HAVING FUN YET?!

[He doesn’t scream it, but lip readers can plainly see Penn snarl ‘cunt’ at Heidi as he drops her head and drops a knee on top of it.]

DDK:
One of Heidi’s biggest weaknesses is that when she starts out matches playfully like that she neglects to do significant damage.  Now Penn’s going to try and make up for lost time.

[Penn doesn’t give Heidi a chance to get any room.  He neck locks her, lifts her that way, backs her into the corner and starts driving in knee shots as Benny Doyle warns him about having his hands on her face.  Penn finishes the combo with a spinning thrust kick to Heidi’s midsection.  She slowly slumps to her knees, then collapses.  Penn jumps on her back, grabs the ropes, and stands there yelling as Doyle starts the count.]

Penn:
WHO’S A CUNT, YOU FUCKING CUNT?!

DDK:
Is there… any way we can edit that out post production?

Angus:
Fuck that noise.  Heidi can take it and give it back.  That’s why I like her when she’s not trying to destroy Defiance.

[Penn pulls Heidi up by the hair and sends her off the ropes and swings a superman punch at her on the rebound.  Heidi ducks, bounces off the far ropes, leaps up onto Penn’s shoulders, swings around while grabbing his arm at the same time, and they wind up on the mat with Heidi in control.]

DDK:
Triangle lancer by Heidi!

Angus:
You just made that name up. I call it the flying back mount inverted reticulated fuck you lock!

DDK:
But you just…

Angus:
Made it up, yeah, and my name’s better!  Hey, I don’t think Penn knows how to counter out of it.

[The Triangle Lancer is a sort of flying neck crank.  Heidi’s left leg is behind Penn’s neck and pinning his far arm, Heidi’s pulling on his near arm, and Penn’s sort of being strangled by his own chest.  He ain’t goin nowhere is what I’m saying.]

That’s when something incredibly cool happens.]

[No, I mean, COOL.]

Angus:
What the hell is Jonny Booya doing out here?

[COOL Jonny Booya has cooled his way out onto the ramp.  His stolen shades are still cool, his hair is still gelled into a flattop, and he points at Heidi.]

[Heidi is smart enough not to let go of the Triangle Lancer, but Doyle runs to the ropes to try and keep Booya out of the match.   Booya grins with three thousand teeth, folds his arms, and flexes his shoulders and chest.]

[Penn’s arm slows down and his feet quit kicking, but Doyle isn’t paying attention.  Heidi lets go with one arm just long enough to flip Booya off, but doesn’t let go of Penn.]

[Booya raises his finger like he had an idea, disappears behind the curtain for a split second, and reappears with a white gym bag in his hands.]

[This gets a reaction from Heidi.  Although she doesn’t release the fading Penn, she almost straightens up (this crams Penn’s chin further into his chest bone) and shouts something in anger.]

[Booya trundles down the ramp.]

DDK:
I’d say there’s a pretty good chance that’s Heidi’s luggage Booya has, and

Angus:
Why the hell is Johnny McNoChin out here?  Didn’t Scott tell the Truly Untouchables to leave Heidi alone?

DDK:
He sure did.

[But Jonny doesn’t give a damn apparently.  He unzips the suitcase and pulls out Heidi’s black one-piece wrestling outfit.]

[He sniffs it.]

BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

DDK:
That is just about as classless….

[Heidi’s got her teeth bared.  She hasn’t let go of Penn yet.  It’s lucky she doesn’t have more upper body strength than she does, because she’s pulling on his arm like she wants to rip it out of its socket.]

[Booya fishes around inside the gym bag.  The next thing he produces is a very plain, very small black thong.  More specifically an anti-wedgie thong.  With an extra-smug grin stamped on his face, he walks to the ropes.  Benny Doyle is still there trying to block the interference, but Booya raises his arms, and snaps the thong like a rubber band in Heidi’s general direction.]

Angus:
That did it.

[Heidi lets go of Penn, who coughs and gargles and gasps for breath, and stalks towards the ropes.  A roundhouse kick is thrown.  It finds its mark, sending Booya spinning and falling to one knee.  She reaches over the ropes, grabs him by the arm, and wraps it around the ropes.  Just like she did to Kelly Evans when she tried to break her arm during the Untouchables days.  I mean the time she didn’t actually manage to do it, not the time she did.]

[Since Booya hasn’t actually touched Heidi, there’s no disqualification, only Benny Doyle trying to save Booya from injury.  Penn gets to his knees as Heidi applies the pressure to Booya’s arm.  Booya looks much less smug now, but Penn stumbles up, takes a wobbly few steps forward, breaks into a run and runs into Heidi from behind with a busaiku knee!]

DDK:
Penn didn’t go all the way out, and he recovered quickly once the pressure was off!  Now he’s going after the arm, and - he’s got the Curtis Clutch applied!

[Heidi doesn’t quite realize what’s happened until Penn has the hold sunk all the way in.]

Angus:
OH GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMMIT NOT LIKE THIS!

[Heidi goes after Penn’s leg trying to break the bodyscissors.  And if she had more time she’d probably have managed it.  But the cobra clutch is a knockout hold, and as her brain starts fading in and out her muscles lose strength, and…]

DING! DING!  DING!

Quimbey:
Here is your winner, as a result of a knockout… CURTIS!  PENN!

[Penn pushes Heidi to the side and does a double fist clench from his knees like he just won the olympics or something.  He hits the corner of the ring and yells down at the fans.]

BBBOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

DDK:
Because of Booya’s interference, Curtis Penn not only comes out of his comeuppance in tact, but with the biggest singles win of his career!

[Heidi rolls over groggily.  Penn walks over and stands there, probably talking mad crazy shit.]

[So Heidi suddenly shoots in on his leg.]

[Penn stumbles around, and Benny Doyle now tries to get Heidi off of Penn’s ankle where she’s got a heel hook most of the way locked in.  Penn pulls his leg loose and decides it’s time to leave.  Doyle tries to hold Heidi back, and that’s his mistake.]

[Heidi throws him.]

[Not the most vicious attack on an official ever, but it’s a definite, serious, “get the fuck off me” type judo throw.  Doyle lands hard and doesn’t get back up.]

[And security floods the ring.]

[Heidi lashes out with one foot and kicks someone in the head.]

[Another security guard grabs her in a waistlock from behind, Heidi snaps his grip and hip tosses him over her body!]

[A third one catches a roundhouse to the belly and an axe kick across the back of the head!]

RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

DDK:
Heidi has absolutely lost it yet again, and these Austrian fans are cheering her on!

[In fact, the mad cheers stop her mid rampage.  She looks over the fans, trying to figure out how exactly to take this, and a chant starts.]

STACK THE BODIES!  *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*

STACK THE BODIES!  *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*

[Heidi storms around the ring, staring down security guards and threatening them when they start getting too near her, but she mostly doesn’t actually do anything - just maintains her spot in the ring as the chants roll in.]

DDK:
I’m not sure what’s worse, seeing Heidi go psychopath again or that they love her for it?

Angus:
Keebs, it’s like this.  When she’s trying to wreck Defiance, of course they don’t like that, but she just got cheated out of a win over Curtis fucking Penn!  Right now, seeing her wreck shit is exactly what they want!

[Heidi’s now clapping along with the chants.  In one of those really weird things, the situation is reversing itself.  Even Benny Doyle is getting up, and he is allowed to leave the ring.]

[Jonny Booya has had a pretty good night.  He got to rifle through Heidi’s gym bag and get all up close and personal with her stuff.  He got to cost her the match.  There’s that pesky thing about maybe Cancer Jiles not being dead and all, but hey - Jiles is no longer COOL, so what could possibly go wrong.]

[Swaggering, pausing by every reflective surface to flex, Jonny struts back to the Truly Untouchables dressing room.]

[As is his wont, he swings the door wide open, slides in, and-]

Scott:
What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

[Jonny stops.]

Booya:
What?

Scott:
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!  WHAT IN FUCKS NAME WAS GOING THROUGH THAT ROID-ADDLED PITUITARY GLAND YOU CALL A BRAIN?!

Booya:
I was… getting started on Heidi for you.

Scott:
You.  Stupid. Fuck.  What did I say last week?

Booya:
Um.

Scott:
I said do not mess with Heidi Christenson.  Do not irritate Heidi Christenson.  I said leave her the fuck alone.  Did you not fucking hear me?  Or did you just forget?

[There’s this particular look that dumb people get when they are being told they’ve fucked up and they’ve got a general idea that they did, but they haven’t a clue how.  If you don’t know what I mean I can’t describe it.  But Jonny looks this way right now.]

Booya:
But she lost…

Scott:
How does Heidi losing to Curtis Penn help?  Tell me that.  Tell me that right now!

[The cogs in Jonny’s oft-neglected brain slowly start turning.]

Booya:
Well… um… I guess it kind of didn’t.

[Jonny Booya looks almost like a dog whose master just kicked it.  It’d be easier to feel bad for him if he wasn’t a retarded douchebag.]

Scott:
Now, which would you rather wrestle?  Normal Heidi?  Or psychotically enraged Heidi?

Booya:
Normal.

Scott:
And which am I going to get now?

Booya:
...psychotically enraged?

[WIth a heavy sigh, Scott slumps down on the couch in the middle of the locker room.]

Scott:
Heidi is going to try and kill me.  What the fuck am I going to do now?

[End.]