My Python Has A Turtle Neck Sweater

Chance is at his trailer after his shooting has ended for the new Trailer Park Boys movie. He sits in a easy chair in the middle of the trailer reflecting on his acting during the shoot. His new assistant, Janice knocks on his trailer door.

cVc: Come in bitch.

Janice walks up the steps and enters the trailer.

Janice: Chance the man outside says he knows you that you two once worked together.

cVc: Use to know The Trailer Park Prodigy? Well who the fuck is he?

Janice: He says he use to work for TRUE and that he interviewed you on his radio show.

cVc: Yeah by use to he means he has no job now and he’s seen the papers and found me thinking I can help him. Hm… I got an idea.

Chance walks outside his trailer as his assistant informs him the man appears to be homeless and been that way for some time. As he turns the corner he runs into a PETA supporter and she dashes a bucket of red paint all over Chance. He looks down in shock from the sudden blast from a woman who seemed to just blend in before ruining his Italian suit. He looks down at his suit and notices Homeless Joe unzipping his fly and on his knees.

cVc: What the fuck?!?

Chance backhands Homeless Joe and he falls to the pavement of the back lot.

Homeless Joe: I was just going to show you…

cVc: Shhhh. SHHHH! Shut the fuck up and listen. I need your help later tonight and I will pay you for you’re help.  We will leave here at midnight and you will be blindfolded to the destination. Got it?

Homeless Joe: Got it.

Midnight

Location: Canadian Wilderness Unknown

A black caddy pulls up into a wide open spot in the Canadian wilderness. Surrounded by tree’s there is already a fire going in the middle of the field. Chance steps out of the car as does a blindfolded, Homeless Joe. The driver also steps out and pops the trunk retrieving camera gear to set up near the fire. He does so as Chance slips on a pair of black gloves. The camera men set up as Chance walks to the trunk and pulls out a big black bag. Walking over to the fire he walks over a deep narrow hole that was dug by the camera men who started the fire before Chance arrived. He begins to pull the snake out of the bag and briefly laughs as he notices maggots falling off the rotting corpse of the snake.  Chance sits the remains of the rotting snake next to the fire for great lighting. Chance says “Action”.

cVc: Python… Python… Nice try with the mind fuck.  You call that a Shoot video? What a fucking joke that you of all people are trying to mind fuck me? The Trailer Park Prodigy, The Crankeinstein? I seen you got your panties all in a mess because of our friend here. This motherfucker has no head or skin, special plans for both. Giving away your PPV Check is Queer by the way. You are just so fucking lame in every way. Your mouth is writing checks your ass can’t cash. I’m gonna bounce your fucking head off something first thing.  All those things you did are in the past and as for me being a bug that you can swat? I like that you said that after you did a shoot all about me. If you haven’t noticed cockstain there are more men than just TPP in that battle royal.

Chance motions over Homeless Joe and he dashes high octane racing fuel all over the dead snakes remains. Chance lights a match.

cVc: Shock-N-Rolla Gonna Light It Up Motherfucker.

Chance drops the match on the snake’s dead corpse and stands up as it bursts into flames. He stands next to it looking down in delight at the fire.

cVc: I do find myself flattered that you tried you’re hand at a shoot all about me. That’s Cute, Chocolate Star Fish Chaser. You can donate money or whatever the fuck you want, see if I give a fuck. See if that has any impact on the match between you and I. This is personal due to you attempting to steal my thunder. You know deep down you are no star the caliber of TPP. All those belts mean dick now. I’ll be goddamned to let you steal this moment from me.  You want to talk about swatting a bug? That’s what I do to high flyers just like you. I swat them down and watch the pain enter they’re faces of that old familiar failure of not being quite big enough. I saw you mentioned that I would footnote? You have no idea what you are in for do you? The taste of failure is something you are due for. This is the biggest moment of you’re career, your in a main event with a real star. This is no game, this is life. I live and breath wrestling and I have forgotten more than you know about it. Facts are Facts, Queer.

Chance pulls his pants down exposing his uncircumsized penis to the camera as he begins to urinate on the snake’s corpse that is still on fire. He pulls the skin of his penis back rolling it around the head of his penis.

cVc: See My Python Has A Turtle Neck Sweater.

The men filming begin to hysterically laugh as does Homeless Joe.

Homeless Joe: You are going to get fined for all of this, Haha.

Chance jumps up and walks over to Homeless Joe pushing him down on the ground.

cVc: Who said you could talk motherfucker? Did someone pull the chain of this no talent dip shit from who gives a fuck? Don’t you dare backtalk me and expect to not be beaten like the bitch you are.   

Chance kicks the python at Homeless Joe. He throws a shovel at him and kicks the Python in the long narrow deep hole. It falls to the bottom as Homeless Joe begins burying the now famous snake. Chance walks over the closest camera to him. He stands in front of his as the noise of shoveling dirt continues behind him.

cVc: This is to all my opponents in the battle royal. All of you have no clue what you are up against. This is Chance Von Crank’s Moment and all you faggot’s are invited. Python I hope your not allergic to nuts because I’m gonna kick yours up your fucking throat. Talk shit to me in one of the shittiest shoots ever shot? I’m over this snake bullshit I just did… I got my finest fucking suit ruined by some whore with an agenda. So you give your checks away while I still get mine for whipping that ass. Your so far in the fucking closet your finding Christmas presents.

Chance and the others proceed back to the car. As Homeless Joe does, Chance turns quickly chases him away. He begins to weep as Chance walks by the camera once more on his way to the car. He stops briefly at the camera.

cVc: Be Defiant.

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