DEFIANCE TV 038

[For once, there’s no pretaped anything.  No dungeon and bodybag scene, no one grandstanding in the ring with the microphone.  What we get is a wide-out view of the jampacked UCBS Events Center full of fans screaming and waving signs, and flashing swirling lights.]

“Downtown” Darren Keebler:
Fans, welcome to another exciting episode of Defiance Television!  We’re coming live to you from Santa Barbara, Califorina, and we’ve got an action-packed card headed your way!  I’m Downtown Darren Keebler on play by play, alongside “The Motormouth of Malcontent” Angus Skaaland on color, and tonight we’re going to see the reigning Defiance World Champion, Cancer Jiles, in singles action as he takes on Alceo Dentari in a non-title singles match!

[Commentation Station.  DDK is, as always, neat and professional looking in a Defiance polo-shirt and slacks.  Angus is wearing his favorite “t-shirt that looks like a tuxedo” shirt and ragged jeans.]

Angus Skaaland:
He is the COOOOOOOOOL!

DDK:
We’ve also got two qualifiyer matches for the Ladder War at our upcoming payperview, Ascension, with former Defiance World Champion Bronson Box taking on former OLW standout and Wifwah World Champion, Python, and we’ve also got the former FIST of Defiance, Edward White, taking on the current FIST, in the Egobuster Dan Ryan!

Angus:
It’s a hell of a card Keebs.  We also got Chance Von Crank defending the So Her against the BLACKACONDA himself, Tyrone Walker!  And we got a debuting trios team called The Shadowmen!  And another debut of a guy named Eddy Whisky.  And Jamie Murray making his more-or-less debut against Lash Graham, and we got Heidi Christenson in singles action against Curtis Penn, and some tag match or other, and...

[Very harsh discordant guitar chords rip across the PA system.]

Angus:
...and I KNEW I shouldn’t have thought we could open the show properly without someone coming out here.

[Heidi Christenson appears at the top of the ramp. Clad in her torn up MMA shorts, and a sports bra under a sleeveless unbelted judogi, she looks around the arena in disdain before heading for the ring.]

DDK:
Folks, I can count the number of times Heidi’s come out to the ring to talk on one finger. She’s been involved in some vicious altercations with Tom Sawyer over the past few weeks, and Eric Dane finally stepped in and told them they were not under any circumstances to attack each other outside the ring, so...

[Heidi steps in over the middle rope and holds her hand up for a microphone.]

DDK:
Well, let’s just turn it over to her.

[The fans boo as Heidi walks around the ring.]

Heidi Christenson:
All I EVER wanted to do was hurt Tom Sawyer. Is that really so much to ask?

BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[Apparently, the fans think it is.  Boos echo.]

Heidi:
Ever since the very first day I stepped into Defiance, I’ve been treated with a double standard.  Bronson Box kidnaps a kid and attacks a techie, and what does Eric Dane do about it? Nothing! Cancer Jiles shouts slurs in Baltimore, and what does Eric Dane do about it? NOTHING! But let me try hurt someone, even though that person has been doing nothing but antagonizing me since the very DAY he got into this promotion, and you know what Eric Dane does to me?!

He kidnaps me! He drags me into a fucking basement, duct tapes my mouth shut...

RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

[Heidi stops talking, puts her hands on her hips, and sighs.]

Heidi:
He tapes my mouth shut and threatens to have me tortured! Just for standing up for myself!  

[This is, if anyone hasn’t been paying attention, an exceptionally biased version of the true story.]

Heidi:
And then he assigns me HANDLERS!

[Heidi points at the two DEFsec brutes that have been accompanying her lately.  The bald bearish looking guy with the handlebar mustache, Samuel Grant, and the guy with the coif and pushbroom, Jamie Stanley. Jamie keeps his impressively muscled arms folded across his chest.  Samuel keeps one hand on the taser.]

Heidi:
He didn’t do that for Box!  Or Bancroft!  He didn’t even do that for E-Gold!  E-Gold stole Defiance out from under him.  KAI SCOTT gets the fed back!  And he does it on JEFF ANDREWS’ ORDERS! No, the only person Dane ever gives a hard time to is ME.

Angus:
Jesus Christ.  Victim complex much?

Heidi:
I guess that makes me special.  Well guess what? I already knew I’m special! I am one of the greatest submissionists in wrestling! Pound for pound, I have THE most powerful roundhouse kick in athletics!

[The fans respond to this boasting as fans do best.]

SHUT THE FUCK UP! *clap clap clapclapclap*
SHUT THE FUCK UP! *clap clap clapclapclap*

Heidi:
MAKE ME, faggots!

[The jeering intensifies, and Heidi starts towards the ropes, stepping halfway over the middle as if she’s actually going to go beat someone’s ass.  About 15 people near her quiet down.  The others just get louder.]

[So Heidi flips the fans off and turns back to the microphone.]

Heidi:
And Eric Dane, knowing exactly what I’m capable of doing in the ring, tells me I’m going to have to wrestle in an Aggro Crag match!

Why should I have to wrestle on the Aggro Crag?!

THE AGGRO CRAG IS STUPID!!

[Super-duper-mega-fucking...

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Angus:
She. Did.  NOT!  That blaspheming bitch!

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[Heidi looks downright pleased at the reaction she got from this.]

Heidi:
It’s the worst idea that anyone’s ever had.  It’s not a wrestling match, it’s an obstacle course... jungle gym... BULLSHIT.  

But it’s also the only kind of match, and I use the term ‘match’ loosely, in which Tom Sawyer has even the slightest chance of beating me, and both he and Dane know that!

Well, you know what? There’s dozens of kinds of matches in wrestling. I thought about saying I’d agree to fight Tom Sawyer in the Aggro Crag if I could get a match of MY selection with him afterwards.  Something like an ironman submissions match. Or a stretcher match.  Something that gives the advantage to the wrestler, and not the scampering little monkey!

[She pauses for breath. Finally.  The fans take the opportunity to boo a little louder.]

Heidi:
You think it’s unfair to expect Tom Sawyer to wrestle a real match? I think it’s unfair to give a job to an acrobat disguised as a wrestler, and expect me to indulge him while he antagonizes me! Yes, making Tom wrestle an ultimate submissions match with me is completely fair, and completely reasonable, and making me climb the Aggro Crag is so ridiculous I’m actually offended.  Me.  On the Defiance roster. Have to listen to Bronson Box and Alceo Dentari and Curtis Penn yap at me.  That, I’ve learned to be amused by.  This so-called match? Offends me.

So you know what? FUCK the Aggro Crag, because I’M NOT DOING IT!

[The chants roar.]

BULLLLLL-SHIT! BULLLLL-SHIT! BULLLLL-SHIT!
BULLLLLL-SHIT! BULLLLL-SHIT! BULLLLL-SHIT!

Heidi:
I agree! It IS bullshit that such a thing even exists!

[That’s very clearly not what they meant.]

BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Heidi:
The only thing that’s more bullshit than the Aggro Crag is Tom Sawyer himself.

HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE LOVE THAT LITTLE LOSER?! I have fought and cried and BLED for this business, I’ve sacrificed things you people can’t even imagine, and Tom Sawyer treats it all like it’s a goddamned game!

Tom Sawyer is a fraud! A phony!  A little bitch...

Python:
Holy long-winded self-absorbed monologues, Batman!

RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!   

[The fans uncork a roof-rocking pop  as Python steps confidently out onto the entrance ramp, microphone in hand. Heidi's face betrays just the slightest hint of surprise, though it's impossible to tell whether it was caused by the appearance of her former OLW friend or by the string of ridiculous, possibly improvised adjectives he just strung together.]

Python:
Heidi, lo- wait a second.

[He turns to the crowd.]

Python:
What's up, Santa Barbara?

RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Python:
I said…

[The fans yell this next line in unison with him.]

Python and Fans:
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, Santa Barbara!?

RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[With that out of his system, the young superstar refocuses his attention back down the ramp and towards Heidi, who snarls impatiently in the ring.]

Python:
Alright. Heidi, look. We've known each other for a long time now. There was a time in the not so distant past when I looked up to you. Respected you. I was proud to call you not just an ally, but a friend.  Tonight, however... on behalf of the fans, superstars, staff, and crew of Defiance as well as the entire world of professional wrestling as a whole... I am here to present you with THE BIGGEST "shut the fuck up" that has ever been presented to anyone in the history of forever.

[The fans raise their voices in tremendous approval. A few cameras even go off as Python runs a hand through his hair, rears back, and delivers this next line with great exuberance.]

Python:
So please. For the love of all things that are good. Shut! The fuck! Up!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
THANK YOU PYTHON! *clap clap clapclapclap*
THANK YOU PYTHON! *clap clap clapclapclap*

[Python grins and nods to the audience as if to say "no problem" before turning back toward Heidi, who is now silently fuming.

Python:
We get it. You've been through some shit. Welcome to professional wrestling. Welcome to life. You want to waste your time bitching and moaning about it instead of working at it? That's your problem. But you've been nothing but a fifth grade bully lately and just a second ago I decided that I've seen about all of that bullshit that I'm going to allow.  

Heidi:
Wh-

Python:
Ah I'M NOT FUCKING FINISHED AND I CAN YELL LOUDER THAN YOU SO DON'T TRY TO TALK OVER ME.

RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Python:
When exactly was the last time you stopped to count your blessings, Heidi? There are people in this company who have it much, much worse. Who have won so much less and lost so much more. And I'm not just talking about title wins or matches on a stat sheet.  Your problems entitle you to nothing, Heidi.  This company and these people owe you nothing. And no matter how many times you push some poor kid off a swing set and take his lunch money, the world doesn't have to listen to you and neither do I. Because you might scare the security and the kids coming up in the business, but you sure as hell don't scare me.

[Python takes a few steps toward the ring and presses on before Heidi has a chance to interrupt.]

Python:
So you've set up your soap box, you've climbed purposefully up onto it, and you've aired your glorious list of grievances. Now that we're all quite clear on what's got your panties in a twist, maybe you'd be so kind as to explain to us your selection of targets? Why Tom Sawyer ? Jimmy Kort? If old Bronson bugs you so much, why aren't you roundhouse kicking him off of stages? What about Dan Ryan, are you cool with him? I doubt it.

Heidi:
What are you implying?

Python:
I'm not implying anything. I'm saying... you're a coward, Heidi.

[Heidi curls her lips into a snarl. If looks could kill, Python would currently be being deposited into an industrial shredder, feet first.]

Python:
You weren't always, but you are now. You'll pick on the ones you know you can squash, and you stay far away from anyone else.

[Python has reached the ring and, in a flash, he now leaps deftly up to the apron and sails over the top rope in one fluid motion, landing perfectly balanced on his feet and standing just an inch or two from Heidi, his eyes burning harshly into hers.]

Python:
Unfortunately for you... I'm anyone else. And I'm not so far away at the moment.

[Heidi walks up to Python, face to face with him.]

Heidi:
And what makes you think you’re any different from Tom Sawyer?

[Sam and Jamie both look tense. Their job is to keep Heidi out of trouble. Not to refuse to let her defend herself if someone else starts with her.  And this is sort of a gray area.  It really comes down to who throws the first shot. And neither of them has yet.]

Heidi:
You should’ve been on my side all along. I thought I respected you. But obviously, I was wrong, and you’re still the silly little kid who formed a tag team with Shelly Hollins of his own free will.

Python:
If you think I’m a kid, then do something about it.

[The two are forehead to forehead right now.]

Heidi:
I’m not allowed to hit you first.

V.O. Curtis Penn:
Python, step away from the bitch.

[Curtis Penn has walked out of the back.]

Penn:
Kid, I’ve been waiting for months to get my hands around her neck.  This isn’t any of your business and I’m not gonna let you get in my way here.

[Python frowns.  Without turning his back on Heidi, he steps out of the ring and down off the apron.]

Python:
Listen dude.  I don’t have any beef with you. But you really ought to be taking this more seriously.

Penn:
I don’t need help. After the match, if you want to help me run train on what’s left of her after I’m done, we can talk.

[And that was enough.]

[Heidi takes a short run, gets her hands on the top rope and flips over it with a tope con hilo, landing on top of Penn and Python!  Sam and Jamie both run to break it up as Heidi grabs Python by the head, Python grabs Heidi by the leg, they trip over Penn and land in a retarded heap.]

V.O. Eric Dane:
ENOUGH!  Goddammit, I told you guys not to let this happen!  

[Dane comes down the ramp at something between a brisk walk and a slow jog.  Jamie kneels on Heidi’s back, trying to get her wrists ziptied.  Sam holds Penn down on the ground.  Python, who’s a pretty decent guy, raises his hands and backs away.]

Dane:
Heidi, yet again, I’m going to be more lenient with you than I have to be.  We’ll consider that line about running train adequate provocation and not fill you with electricity, even though you did exactly what I told you not to and started a fight.  Curtis, one wrestler to another, I hope you do put her in her place - I really do hope that - but insisting on underestimating a two time World Champion is retarded, and you need to not do that.

[Dane stops in front of the pile of wrestlers.]

Dane:
As for you Python, here’s what I’ve got.  This probably will come as no surprise to anyone, but Jeff Andrews booked a Defiance show in Baltimore.  How does that sound, Python? You want to wrestle Heidi one on one in the OLW arena?

[A smile slowly breaks over Python’s face.]

Dane:
That’s settled then. We’ve got a match between Eddy Whisky and Diane Parker set to start, so how about everyone who isn’t Eddy or Diane get the hell backstage now?

[Python leads the way.  Penn leaves of his own accord, with security keeping a close eye on him.  Having given up on the zipties, Jamie finally just puts Heidi in a hammerlock and marches her up the ramp.]

Angus:
Wow.  Python versus Heidi in Baltimore next week?  That’s going to be one hell of a hot show.

DDK:
Stay tuned fans, we’ll be back in a few minutes with our first match!

DDK:
It’s about time to get started with our first match of the evening! Let’s give it over to Diamond Darren Quimbey!

Darren Quimbey:
The following contest is set for one fall, with a 15 minute time limit! Introducing first, making his Defiance debut!

[The sound of... kazoos starts up.]

Angus:
What the FUCK.

[The kazoos are playing ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ by Wagner.]

Quimbey:
Hailing from the streets of San Francisco in the state of California! Standing six foot six, and weighing in at 281 lbs!  Introducing... EDDIE...WHIIIIIISKY!

[The big man bursts out onto the ramp, fists above his head.]

DDK:
Whisky getting a decent reaction from the fans here.  He’s a big guy.  I wasn’t able to find too much of his history, but he participated in the infamous Ultratitle tournament and did advance out of the first round.

[Whisky enters the ring, and mercifully the kazoos stop.]

Quimbey:
And his opponent!  Representing the team of TRES BRUJAS!

[Bring on Dio.]

♫ When there’s lightning ♫
♫ You know it always brings me down ♫
♫ Cos it’s free and I see that it’s me ♫
♫ Who’s lost and never found ♫

Quimbey:
Hailing from Monteplier, Vermont, and weighing in at 161 lbs! She is DIANE... PAAAARRKER!

[Diane emerges from the back as her name is spoken, clapping her hands to try and get the fans going.  It basically works.]

DDK:
Good reaction for Diane too.  She participated in the battle royal for the FIST title and actually pinned Seth Stratton.

Angus:
With a figure 4 headscissor.  It was hilarious.

DDK:
Before Heidi Christenson literally tried to break her neck. Since then she’s been teaming with Lisa Loeh and Claira St. Sure in Tres Brujas. She’s not a highlight reel kind of wrestler, but she’s a very smart wrestler.

[Diane steps over the middle rope and into the ring.]

♫ No sign of the the morning coming ♫
♫ You’ve been left on your own ♫
♫ Like a rainbow in the dark! ♫
♫ A rainbow in the dark! ♫

DING! DING! DING!

[Eddie Whisky looms over Diane Parker.]

DDK:
Of course, Diane’s actually a nine year veteran of the squared circle now. Whisky, I don’t know as much about, but he’s accomplished.

Angus:
He also ain’t real bright.

[Whisky moves in.  Diane goes straight for the leg, kicking the big man in the quad several times, but she’s not a martial artist like CSS is.  Whisky manages to shake it off long enough to knock her to her knees with a headbutt, then take her over in a gutwrench suplex.  He leaves Diane to hold her back while he walks the pain out of his leg. Diane tries to get up, but Whisky delivers a knee lift that takes her up off her feet and drops her on the mat face first.]

DDK:
One thing about these bigger guys wrestling girls in the ring is that it makes them into bullies even when they don’t particularly want to be.  That being said, I think Eddie’s alluded to having some issues he’s got to work through.

Angus:
Well, fuck man, everyone’s got those issues.  Girls are mean!  They get away with it because they have boobs.  You know that, right?

[DDK doesn’t even dignify this with a response as Whisky sends Diane across the ring and into the corner.  He charges in after her and Diane sidesteps! Whisky hits the buckle with his back and Diane quickly jumps up, clobbering him in the face with forearm shivers as fast as she can.  She backflips off the middle rope, then runs into the corner with a high front kick that lands like a bootscrape, leaving Whisky to stagger out of the corner, nursing his face. Again Diane climbs the turnbuckle behind him, leaps off - and just flops on the mat as Whisky isn’t felled by her attempted move.]

DDK:
Diane just attempted the diving somersault cutter she calls the Miranette, but Whisky was too big and she was too light.

[Diane landed hard on her tailbone.  Whisky decides to follow up, he picks Diane up onto his shoulders and drives her down with an atomic drop! Diane arches her back in pain as Whisky runs the ropes, rebounds towards her and wipes her out with a running lariat.  Measuring her, Whisky jumps and drops a knee on her head, then goes for the cover.]

ONE...!


...TWO...!


…...THRKICKOUT!

[Whisky stays on his knees for a few seconds, catching his breath.]

DDK:
Whisky’s a good power wrestler, but he hasn’t got the best stamina, and he’s beginning to feel it.

Angus:
Yeah, well, he’s panting, his opponent’s flat on the mat!  

[Whisky picks Diane up and picks her up in a fireman’s carry.  He lets go long enough to raise one arm up, then carries her over to the ropes]

DDK:
Whisky uses a top rope Samoan drop, he’s looking for it but he’s elected to carry Diane on his shoulders instead of suplex her off the turnbuckle, which gives her a chance to get free.  She’s kicking - and loose!

[Diane slides off Eddie’s shoulders and sends him head first into the turnbuckle.  Whisky staggers, Diane ducks and takes him over backwards with a chop block! Whisky topples to the mat, Diane quickly moves him to a seated position, and...]

THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!

DDK:
Spinal taps!  Diane trying to make up for lost time with those shots, she runs across the ring and seated dropkick takes Whisky down!  Cover!

ONE...!


...TWO...!


…...THR-LAUNCHED!

[Whisky kicks out with enough authority to launch Diane into the air so she lands on her face.]

Angus:
I love watching that happen.  Dunno why.

[Diane gets up holding her face as Whisky gets up holding his back, but Whisky’s the first to attack, landing a boot to the stomach and a cross-ring Irish whip.  He catches Diane on the rebound for a one-arm scoop slam - in mid air Diane converts it to a spinning headscissor and tries to convert that into the Christo!]

DDK:
Diane trying to sink that flying octopus hold called the Christo, Whisky trying to block it, he won’t give up the arm... and Diane spins it back around and tries a sunset flip!

Angus:
She can’t get him!

[Whisky wobbles, but he’s just too big for her to pull over.  Instead, he jumps, drops the knee - on the canvas!  Diane’s quickly up to her feet, chickenwings his arms behind his back and hits a modified bulldog to put him face down on the canvas.  From there, she rolls him over with an amateur style chickenwing pin!]

[It takes a hell of an effort for her to turn him, but once she does, gravity’s working for her and against Whisky for the first time in the match.]

ONE...!


...TWO...!


…...THREE!!!

DDK:
She got him!

DING!  DING!  DING!

[Diane drops the pin, rolls clear of Whisky, and throws up a double V-for-victory sign from her knees.]

Quimbey:
Your winner, as a result of a pinfall - DIANE! PARKER!

♫ When there’s lightning ♫
♫ You know it always brings me down ♫
♫ Cos I’m free and I see that it’s me ♫
♫ Who’s lost and never found ♫
♫ I cry out for magic ♫
♫ I feel it dancing in the light ♫
♫ It was cold, lost my hold ♫
♫ To the shadows of the night ♫

♫ No sign of the morning coming ♫
♫ You’ve been left on your own ♫
♫ Like a rainbow in the dark! ♫
♫ A rainbow in the dark! ♫

♫ Do your demons? ♫
♫ Do they ever let you go? ♫
♫ When you tried do they hide deep inside ♫
♫ Is it someone that you know? ♫
♫ You’re just a picture ♫
♫ You’re an image caught in time ♫
♫ We’re alive, you and I ♫
♫ We’re words without a rhyme ♫

♫ There’s no sign of the morning coming ♫
♫ You’ve been left on your own ♫
♫ Like a rainbow in the dark! ♫
♫ Just a rainbow in the dark! ♫
♫ Yeaaaahhhh!!! ♫

♫ When I see lightning ♫
♫ You know it always brings me down ♫
♫ Cos it’s free and I see that it’s me ♫
♫ Who’s lost and never found ♫
♫ Feel the magic ♫
♫ I feel it floating in the air ♫
♫ But it’s fear, and you’ll hear ♫
♫ It calling you. Beware! ♫
♫ LOOK OUT! ♫

♫ There’s no sight of the morning coming ♫
♫ There’s no sight of the day ♫
♫ You’ve been left on your own ♫
♫ Like a rainbow! ♫
♫ Like a rainbow in the dark! ♫
♫ You’re a rainbow in the dar-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rk! ♫

Angus:
There, we just played the WHOLE DAMN SONG.  Happy yet Kevin?

[Ah, Fourth Wall, how we hath missed thee.]

DDK:
Back in the days of the Truly Untouchables, Kai Scott assured us repeatedly that Diane didn’t have the wrestling style to be a good singles competitor, but she’s taken her smarts and amateur wrestling skills to a couple of wins here in Defiance now.

[As Diane takes a lap around the ringside area tagging some hands, one over-eager fan reaches all the way over the rail for a hug.]

[This is weird enough, but when Diane steps back out of reach, he takes a wild grab at her, misses, and front flips over the guardrail.]

DDK:
Oh great.  Once in awhile we get an overzealous fan here...

Angus:
I dunno if that’s what I’d say.  Look at that dude, I bet the people on the short bus laugh at him!

[The ‘fan’ is wearing a very ratty Appalachian Wrestling T-shirt and brown shorts.  His hair’s cut in a bowl cut, and his face makes it very clear that his family tree doesn’t fork.]

Angus:
I’ve seen that dude somewhere before...

[The fan is up quickly and this time he grabs a handful of Diane’s hair!  He pulls her towards him, but the former Truly Untouchable leads with her forearm, knocking the fan stumbling backwards.  Shaking it off, he starts back towards her...]

KA-THWACK!

DDK:
Whisky Kick!

[Eddie Whisky may have had issues with girls being mean to him in the past, but apparently, he wasn’t going to stand by and watch one get molested by an inbred problem child.  The kick busts the fan’s lip open, and Whiskey picks him up overhead in a press slam, then throws him into the stands!  This isn’t ECW, the fan’s a bit bigger than LSD was, and so he just splats on the concrete.]

DDK:
Eddie Whisky with the assist, but where was security during all that?

Angus:
Oh, you know, with BBS having to serve Seth Stratton and those other two big guys assigned to Heidi, we’re shorthanded as hell on security. Still, if I know the boss, heads are gonna roll.

DDK:
We’ll be right back with more Defiance action, fans!

Angus:
Hey, I remember where I saw that guy!  He was at CVC’s White Trash Party last week!

DDK:
Our next match sees Lash Graham going one on one with the returning Jamie Murray.

Angus:
The tennis player?

DDK:
What? No, that’s Andy Murray...

Angus:
Then who’s Jamie Murray.

[The lights begin to flicker in the arena, as "Song 2 " by Blur blares out into the arena.]

WOOOOO HOOOOOOO!"

DDK:
This guy.

[Jamie bursts onto the entrance ramp looking pumped up, screaming out into the arena. He strolls down the entrance ramp, wearing his trademark Union Jack jacket, looking as confident as ever.]

Angus:
He should call that a Union Jacket.

I GOT MY HEAD CHECKED...BY A JUMBO JET

[He stops short of the ring so he can turn to face the fans ringside, who are all screaming abuse towards him. He smirks at the fans, and he beats his chest, motioning to the flag on it. He sticks his hand out for a high five, and as a fan goes for it, he takes the hand away with a cocky laugh.]

IT WASN'T EASY...BUT NOTHING IS...NO

[He slides into the ring, spinning around three times, finally stopping with his arms spread wide. He unzips his jacket, quickly running up the turnbuckle and looking out into the arena. He smirks as the fans boo him, this is exactly what he is looking for right now. He hops down of the turnbuckle, bouncing from rope to rope.]

WOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!

[He looks ready for action as he loosens up a little more, before taking his jacket off, kissing the flag on the front as he does this. He neatly folds the jacket, and he carefully places it down at ringside, before returning to the middle of the ring, bouncing on his toes, ready for action.]

DDK:
Murray had some strong words for Lash Graham in the lead up to this match.

Angus:
How could you tell? He’s English, isn’t he? Wasn’t it all “Dog n’ bone apples n’ pears me old mukka!”

[Song 2 fades and Ok Go and the Muppets hits as Lash sprints from the back like a bat out of hell, slapping hands with the fans on his way to the ring. He leaps up on the ring apron and does a forward summersault over the top rope and into the ring. Running to the far corner he leaps onto the top rope and moonsaults off, landing on his feet in the center of the ring and playing to the crowd.]

DDK:
No time wasting from Lash Graham here.

Angus:
Nor from Andy!

DDK:
Jamie.

Angus:
Who?

[Angus was right though, Jamie Murray burst out of his corner and laid Lash Graham out with an axehandle across the shoulder blades. Graham tries to get back to his feet but Murray drops to his knees and lands another axehandle down across his back. Murray hammers down a couple more forearm strikes to Lash’s shoulders before pulling him to his feet and whipping him into the ropes.]

DDK:
Murray starting out really agressive, almost as though he’s trying to prove a point.

[Jamie catches Lash as he comes back in a sleeper hold. Graham is quick to run to a corner and step up the turnbuckles. He pushes off and lands in a pinning combination on Murray!]

[ONE!]

[TWO!]

[Murray releases the sleeperhold and gets a shoulder up!

DDK:
And Lash Graham almost won it as quick as that!

[Both men get to their feet and Murray throws a stiff kick into the thigh of Graham. He kicks again, again and again, the final kick takes Graham’s leg out from under him and sends him flipping down to the mat. Murray grabs hold of Lash’s leg, rolls him over and drops down to the mat, locking in a heel hook. Lash flails wildly and quickly manages to get Murray on to his front where he’s able to drag himself the short distance to the ropes and break the hold.]

Angus:
It’s too soon for submissions.

DDK
Murray’s looking to make an impact, and an early tapout would surely do just that. That and taking out Lash Graham’s leg is just smart.

[Murray gets back to his feet as Lash pulls himself up with the ropes. Jamie wraps his arms around Graham’s waist and pulls him back into the ring. He lifts him and SA-LAMS him into the mat with a hard German Suplex. Graham rolls to his corner and grabs his armadillo, asking its advice as Murray stands up and stalks his way closer.]

Angus:
I hate that thing. I really do.

DDK
I’m sure it hates you too.

Angus:
It’s stuffed. If you think it has feelings then you’re as delusional as that r-tard asking its advice.

[Murray grabs Graham by the hair and pulls him to his feet. Lash drops the Armadillo and goes with Murray, but jumps just as Jamie looks set to pull him down into a backbreaker. Lash flips and connects with a foot to Murray’s temple.]

Angus:
Murray must be a fan of soccer, so he must be familiar with that one.

[Jamie doesn’t go down, but he’s certainly stunned by the Pele kick. Lash gets up quickly and pushes Murray back into the ropes before sending him across the ring. Jamies bounces back right into a picture perfect dropkick from Graham. Lash quickly moves into position at Murray’s side and hits a standing moonsault to his downed foe. Graham sticks the landing for the cover!]

[ONE!]

[TWO!]

[Murray kicks out!]

[Lash doesn’t waste any time and pulls Murray up to his feet. He wrings Jamie’s arm before twisiting around him, locking his arm in a hammerlock, and takes him over with a northern lights suplex! Lash doesn’t go for the cover though. Instead he opts to head for the corner and climbs to the top rope.]

DDK:
Lash is going high risk!

[Graham waits for Murray to get to his feet before launching himself with a cross body! Graham hits it, but Murray rolls through into a cover of his own!]

[ONE!]

[TWO!]

[Graham kicks out!]

[Murray and Graham both get back to their feet and Jamie throws a stiff kick to the leg of Graham. Lash tries to rally back with a right hand, but Murray shrugs it off and sends him into the ropes. Jamie winds up and unleashes a discus elbow as Graham rebounds, but Lash ducks it! Lash hits the ropes on the other side, comes back and connects with a spinning heel kick right on the butt of Murray’s jaw! Murray stumbles back and falls through the ropes to the outside!]

DDK:
A lucky tumble for Murray!

Angus:
Not too lucky though!

[Lash Graham hits the ropes and comes back with a somersault senton over the top! He connects with Murray and sends him sprawling to the floor!]

DDK:
And these fans love it!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Lash grabs Murray and pulls him up. He rolls Jamie into the ring and climbs up on the apron where he waits for Murray to get to his feet.]

DDK:
Lash is looking to go big again!

[Jamie Murray slowly gets up in the middle of the ring and turns to see Lash Graham sailing towards him. Murray takes a step back...]

DDK:
SUPERKICK! Murray lands a superkick right to the chin of Lash Graham!

[Both men collapse to the mat. Murray crawls over and covers Graham!]

[ONE!]

[TWO!]

[THRE-NO!]

[Lash Graham gets a shoulder up at the very last second!]

DDK:
How did Lash Graham get that shoulder up?

Angus:
Retard strength. It’s the only explanation.

[Murray get to his feet and signals that’s the end. He pulls Graham up and hoists him onto his shoulders, but Lash wriggles free and drops down behind him, Murray turns and tries to clothesline Graham but Lash ducks it and hits the ropes. He comes back and leaps up behind Murray, hooking his arms with the crucifix!]

DDK:
Could this be it!

[Lash tries to pull Jamie down to the mat but Murray fights it. He grips hold of Lash and adjusts his positioning up onto his shoulders!]

DDK:
THE LONDON SPIKE!

[Murray almost puts Lash Graham through the ring with a Death Valley Driver. He rolls over and covers him and it’s academic.]

[ONE!]

[TWO!!]

[THREE!!!]

Winner: Jamie Murray

[Walking in through the back doors of the UCSB Event Center is the fashionably late trio of Ryan Matthews, Sam Horry, and tonights challenger to the Southern Heritage Championship, Tyrone Walker who carries a duffle bag over his shoulder and has a black #teemCVC tee shirt on.]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

[The sound of hateration coming from the audience causes the crew to stopping dead in their tracks. Sam and Ryan look around, reading to just into attack mode before looking to Ty who they notice is wearing the #teemCVC tee shirt. Looking back at his compadres, then looking down at the large block lettering on his shirt, he shrugs.]

Tyrone Walker:
Uh... whoops.

[Pulling that off, he reveals another tee shirt. This one also being black, but with #teemSTJ in large block lettering in white over the chest. Having removed and tossed away the CVC shirt, he looks off in no particular direction as he also lifts his duffle back up and slings it over his shoulder.]

Walker:
A’ight, better?

[Choose your side by getting your own #teemCVC or #teemSTJ tee shirt at DEFIANCE’s online store today for only $19.99!]

RRRRRAAAAAAWWWWRRRR!!

[Now with the ROAR of the crowd greeting DEFIANCE’s latest and as of yet to debut and/or unnamed crew to burst onto the scene, they continue their journey further into the arena. Also with the momentary bout of drama behind us we finally notice that stalking behind the guys is a younger and smaller, but equally chocolate skinned man as two thirds of our heroes. This unknown entity scans his surroundings nervously before staring down at the floor as he follows along. The only other notable detail being the boombox that he carries with both hands clutched around the handle of the sonic delivery device.]

[Strolling through the place like they own the joint, they don’t get all that far before they’re ambushed by Mic Stand Extraordinaire, Christie Zane. Slowing their stride, they stop, with Ty having already perused this particular merchandise he doesn’t pay much mind to the tight blouse that accentuates Zane’s most prominent assets. Ryan and Sam on the other hand have no shame in ogling her finely crafted figure. The silent, fourth member takes a momentary glance but quickly averts his eyes back to the floor before he can be found out, also unlike Ryan and Sam.]

Christie Zane:
Guys, guys, can I get a word?

Walker:
Can you keep up?

Zane:
Uhm... Yes?

Walker:
A’ight then, what you want?

Zane:
Tonight you face Chance Von Crank for the Southern Heritage Title. Do you have any words...

Walker:
Yeah actually, I do.

[Blackimus Prime just glares with bad intentions as serious business mode is engaged.]

Walker:
I’m here to show you, Crank, why I’m not like anyone else you ever been up against here in DEFIANCE. An’ this painful lesson in your life is gonna be proven a fact when you’re laid out, face down on your cumcatcher an’ I take off with that strap to raise it beyond it’s current standing an’ on up to the next level.

[Pause for breath. His glare never losing focus as this mobile group of five weaves their way through the backstage traffic.]

Walker:
But don’t worry, ‘cause I ain’t about to leave you empty handed, a bit light in the luggage, but not empty handed. Y’see, Crank, when you lose, an’ trust me, playa, you’ll be doin’ yourself a lotta good if jus’ you start believin’ this to be the truth, you can go around tellin’ people that you got personal issues in your life to deal with.

[There is no mock concern this time.]

Walker:
Basically, I’mma take the belt off of you an’ in exchange I’m givin’ you an’ out, my nigga. That way you can take your mangy ass back to whatever hole you crawled out of in Kentucky an’ get your goddamn shit together. Or...you could go after Turner an’ sleep with his moms like you said or whatever other, random ass nonsense that you’ll concoct. Which, of course, will be yelled at full blast like you’re the fag who types in ALL CAPS.

[Arriving to their designated locker room, their stride comes to a slow a halt. Ryan, Sam and the unknown, boombox carrying figure all enter into the room.]

Walker:
Either way, Crank, the Southern Heritage title is jus’ gonna become another thing that you’ve lost in this white trash trainwreck that you unfortunately have to call your life. But hey, it’s not all bad news for you, homie, the good news being, that you'll be on the right side of history.

[And with that, the challenger follows his compadres, once again leaving before Christie Zane could possibly get another inquiry. Christie huffs and takes her leave, but before she gets even a few steps away, the door swings open and the face of Sam Horry pops out.]

Horry: [Makes the gesture of a phone next to his head]
Aye girl, call me!

[The camera shot opens up in a hallway backstage at the UCSB Events Center. Seth Stratton stands in a white bathrobe shadow boxing. After a few rapid fire left jabs, he turns to his pre-match meal of KFC and beer, already in progress. However, he’s quickly interrupted by head of DEFSEC ‘Buffalo’ Brian Slater.]

BBS:
So I was sitting in my office tonight, minding my own damn business, when Eric Dane comes in. You know what he says?

Seth:
“Hey Brian, you left your douche in the men’s room.”?

BBS:
No. He said that I had a new responsibility. That I had to watch your ass, keep you out of trouble. I have to babysit you, in essence. Now, I thought that was a extreme. You are, after all, a grown man. But seeing what you’ve decided to eat before your match tonight, maybe he was right. Maybe you can’t be left to your own devices. How does that make you feel?

Seth:
All right, I don’t want to alarm you here, but…

BBS:
What?

Seth:
… I think I ate the bones.

[Seth slaps his knee and laughs. Slater begins to turn an angry shade of red.]

BBS:
That’s good, joke around. You’ve got a match with Eugene Dewey and Tom Sawyer in under an hour. You think they’re joking around right now?

Seth:
Wait, under an hour you say? I guess it’s time to take my vitamins.

[Seth pulls a bottle of diet pills with a spanish label from his bag. He empties nine or ten into his mouth and downs them with half a bottle of water.]

BBS:
Do I even want to know why that label isn’t in english?

Seth:
Because ephedrine isn’t exactly street legal anymore.

BBS:
Oh for god’s sake, give me those!

[Slater reaches into Seth’s bag and pulls out the pills.]

Seth:
I need those!

BBS:
Shut up. If you drop dead while I’m supposed to be looking after you, I’ll get my ass chewed. And what the hell is this?

[Slater pulls a bottle of vodka from the bag.]

Seth:
Water. I keep it in old vodka bottles because I’ve chosen to live a green lifestyle.

[Slater tests the liquid in the bottle and sure enough, it’s water.]

BBS:
Good. I guess even you aren’t stupid enough to drink before a match. Wait, if there’s water in the vodka bottle, why’d you take your pills with bottled water?

Seth:
I, uh…

[Before Seth can turn and run, Slater grabs the water bottle from his hand and gives it a whiff.]

BBS:
You’re pathetic, Stratton.

[An angelic expression comes across Seth’s face.]

Seth:
You’re absolutely right, Bri.

BBS:
Don’t call me ‘Bri’.

Seth:
You’re absolutely right, Brian. But I’ve decided to change, and that change starts now. I’m committed to becoming a better wrestler and a better man. As a gesture of good faith, I feel honor bound to tell you that I’ve hidden two handles of tequila, three sheets of blotter acid and a box of Coricidin Cough & Cold in that broom closet.

[Seth points to a nearby maintenance closet. Slater turns and opens the door, then looks back.]

BBS:
You’re not just telling me this so you can lock me in here and run amok backstage, are you?

Seth:
That hurts, Brian.

[Slater scowls and ducks his head into the closet.]

BBS:
Holy shit, you weren’t lyin’. Look at all this!

[Slater walks into the closet fully.]

BBS:
Well, good on you for being honest at least. Help me take this stuff to the dumpst-

[Slater is interrupted by the sound of the door slamming, and Seth positioning a folding chair under the knob.]

BBS:
What the… Oh, you little asshole! Open this door! Ope- Ugh, he’s gone.

[Slater starts pounding on the door as the camera feed fades.]

Angus:
I’m gonna enjoy watching thi-

BEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW

Angus:
OHGODDAMNIT

[Rush. “Tom Sawyer”. Gee, the person coming to the ring was a total mystery.]

DDK:
This... might start a bonfire.

Angus:
I HATE MY GOD DAMNED LIFE

[On foot, Tom Sawyer comes walking out from the back, in a brand-spanking-new teeshirt advertising... Well, a monolithic mountain. A huge rocky silhouette in bright orange, on a black backround. He brings a hand up, shading his eyes, looking out to the fans.]

Angus:
OH, AND HE’S GOT A FUCKING AGGRO CRAG TEE-SHIRT ON

[Yup. Tom turns around, showing the big stamped-metal AGGRO CRAG logo. A single thumb jabs down behind Tom’s head, pointing towards his back.]

WE WANT THE CRAG! *clap clap clapclapclap*
WE WANT THE CRAG! *clap clap clapclapclap*

[Tom spins around, and begins to jog down the ringramp, keeping to one side to slap a whole buncha hands. As Geddy Lee wails and Alex Lifeson shreds and Neal Peart does things that are indescribable to a drumset, Tom comes to the ringside area...]

[Then turns around, running back up the ramp!]

Angus:
YEAH, FUCK OFF. WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, DIE IN A GREASEFIRE YOU FUCKING MONGO

DDK:
Why are you so extra-vitriolic right now?

Angus:
BECAUSE I SENSE A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE

[And Tom runs all the way back down the ramp, now staying to the OTHER side, highfiving all the fans he missed the first time down!]

Angus:
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

[Tom jogs around the ring, slapping the hands of every single person reaching out to him, before he turns, and leaps onto the apron! Yanking off his T-shirt, Tom points out into the crowd! Who wants the tee?]

DDK:
Well, whether you love him, like all the fans indahouse here tonight, or you hate him, like Angus here...

Angus:
XXM;LSMC;VEW’NQVE;JB;VMEQB;A

[How is that pronounced?]

DDK:
Tom Sawyer is definitely HERE!

[Tom tosses the tee-shirt into the crowd, before hopping down and heading right over to the commentary station.]

Angus:
see SEE SEE SEE?!?!?!?!?!?!1!

[Tom sits down beside Darren, offering the man a handshake. Which, Darren happily accepts. Then, Tom puts a headset on.]

Tom Sawyer:
I see that Angus is overjoyed to have me here!

[Angus is leaning back in his seat, literal foam bubbling from his mouth.]

DDK:
Well, welcome to commentary, Tom. What do you think is gonna happen in this match?

Tom:
Heidi Christenson is the most skilled competitor that DEFIANCE has under contract, bar none. But I would never count Curtis Penn out. Dude’s extremely skilled with his hands and his feet, not to mention them elbows and knees!

Angus:(Moaning sorrowfully)
not his mouth...

DDK:
Uh... Yeah. Excuse Angus, I think he just had a stroke. After the war of words they had this week, do you think that Penn’s mindgames have gotten the better of Heidi Christ-

Angus:
HA!

DDK:
-enson?

Tom:
I don’t think there’s much anyone can do or say to keep Heidi from coming out to the ring with intent to maim. I wouldn’t be surprised if Curtis Penn just made her mad.

Quimbey:
The following contest is set for one fall, with a 20 minute time limit! Introducing first!

♫ This is the year where hope fails you ♫
♫ The test subjects run the experiments ♫
♫ And the bastards you know, is the hero you hate ♫

Angus:
OKAY! Okay. I’m okay. I’m... I’m fine. Let’s just do our jobs. Like professionals.

Quimbey:
Hailing from Pensacola Florida, and weighing in at 215 lbs!  He is The Mouthpiece... CURTIS... PENNNN!!!

[Penn walks out.  He doesn’t play to the fans or do anything but head straight for the ring and roll under the ropes.  He throws a couple warmup kicks.]

DDK:
Penn, without the Mike Sloan Experience anymore.  As is my understanding, Sloan recovered from the knee injury Heidi inflicted on him back in November, and stayed in Japan with Tyson Burke and Luke Windham.  He has nobody watching his back here.

Tom:
It’s a bad situation to be in, when going against Heidi Christenson. She can attack you from five directions at once!

Angus:
It’s funny, Keebs, because all along he’s been going on about how he was gonna tear Heidi up for what she did to Sloan, and now that he gets a chance he’s all like ‘fuck Sloan I hate him’, and is that a coincidence?

DDK:
The thing is, Penn’s a good striker and a good submissionist in the ring.  Essentially, he’s playing the same game as Heidi. Is it good enough?

Tom:
The real question is whether Heidi’s reputation and momentum have made Curtis Penn worried. I hope his time in Japan left Penn with lots of inner peace and focus.

Quimbey:
And his opponent! Hailing from Baton Rogue, Louisiana, and weighing in at 156 lbs! She is a former two time Defiance Tag Team Champion, and a former Defiance World Champion! She... is... HEIDI... CHRRRIIISSSTEENNNSONNNN!!!

[Sharp discordant guitars lead into "Star Under My Bed" by Glassjaw. As the song blares to full volume, Heidi Christenson walks out onto the stage. Head lowered, she raises her arms, fists clenched, out to her sides at an angle.]

♫ Kneeling on my pillow, child ♫
♫ Kneeling on my pillow ♫
♫ I will see there, I will be there ♫
♫ You and me, we die ♫
♫ I will fracture, I will capture ♫
♫ You and me, we die ♫

[Heidi lowers her arms and locks her gaze on the ring and Curtis Penn in it.  A predatory smile spreads across her face as she stalks towards the ring and climbs up onto the apron. Right up until Heidi manages to catch a glimpse of Tom Sawyer’s blonde head at ringside. To her credit, all that merits is a narrowing of the eyes.]

♫ Summer’s trudging closer, and a flurry of white as well ♫
♫ It’s the, it’s the heart of nuclear winter ♫
♫ And you can bet I’m scared as hell, but ♫
♫ I DON’T BLAME YOU! ♫
♫ I DON’T BLAME! YOU! ♫

DDK:
And that, right there, may be the most unpredictable and dangerous wrestler on the Defiance roster.

Tom:
Bar none, man. Say what you will about Bronson Box or Dan Ryan or anyone else, but Heidi Christenson’s Christmas decor goes back to the Pagan era, with intestines strung up along the tree-branches.

Angus:
I’ll say, Keebs!  Look. I can’t really support her because she’s in direct opposition to Eric Dane, and all that, but in theory, I love Heidi in the same way I love Bronson Box. She walks out there and dammit Darren, I just wanna see what she does. And Eric agrees with me.  Most people who whip their dicks - er, their proverbial dicks out, end up kicked the fuck out of Defiance, and instead Heidi gets two bodyguards.

DDK:
Who’re under authority to taze and ziptie her if she steps out of line. Especially if she comes after Tom, here.

Angus:
Let’s not talk about him. But the most impressive part of all that is that she’s a 150 pound woman, I mean, HOLY HELL.

♫ My God, am I the wrong one? ♫
♫ She's a monster of mankind ♫

[Heidi turns her back on Penn and climbs the turnbuckle, then hits her old facey index finger in the air pose.]

[Super-duper-mega-fucking-

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

[And Curtis Penn decides he isn’t going to wait for the bell!]

RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

DDK:
Penn yanks Heidi backwards off the turnbuckle and he’s going to town!

Angus:
Defiance is bizarro land. Dude just jumped a chick from behind, is applying the bare knuckles to her head, and he’s getting cheered for it.

Tom:
One of the only ways to get Heidi Christenson offbalance in the ring is to get the momentum on your side, really fast!

Angus:
If only Keebs had said that, I might agree. I DON’T WANT TO GIVE YOU ANY CREDIT YOU MONGO

DING! DING! DING!

[Benny Doyle yells at Penn, but Penn doesn’t give a damn.  Months of frustration, struggling with the Mike Sloan experience, and feeling lost in the shuffle are boiling over.  Heidi made it very clear in the promotional period that she intended to humiliate him, and he fully intends to put her in her place before she gets a chance.]

[Heidi turtles up, Doyle backs Penn off, and Heidi gets to her feet. She dusts herself off, laughs, and roundhouse kicks Penn on the upper thigh.  Penn retaliates with a thigh kick of his own that sweeps her legs right out from under her.]

DDK:
Massive kick from Penn, and he’s making the case that he will not be intimidated!

Sawyer:
He’s got some grit to be going at Heidi full steam ahead like this.

Angus:
He’s hoping he can finish her off before she fucks his head off his neck. It’s that simple!

[Penn backs off and spreads his arms, asking Heidi if she’s got any more than that.  Heidi gets up, her expression now blank, and circles him.]

[And then Penn rushes in!  Heidi lands a kick but Penn blocks it, grabs her head in a clinch, delivers one knee, two knees - and Heidi trips him to the mat, spins around into side control, grabs the wrist..]

DDK:
Arm dragon screw! Heidi’s just twisting that arm of Penn’s, smashing it into the mat. Penn trying to get to his feet, Heidi with the go-behind and applies a hammerlock, hooks Penn’s free arm with her leg, she’s trying to end the match right here!

[Penn is able to wriggle and get his feet on the ropes.  Almost needless to say, Heidi doesn’t let go of the hammerlock.  Mark Shields starts the 5 count without trying to argue with her, Samuel Grant brandishes the taser, and Heidi drops the hold at 4 and backs off. Penn gets up quickly, shakes his arm out a couple times to get the feeling back into it, then runs at Heidi.]

[Push kick misses, as Heidi drops her arms and leans back to dodge - but in the long run it works about as well for her as it just did for Anderson Silva, as Penn sweeps the legs with a back kick!  He drops down behind Heidi, tries to hook the crucifix, he can’t get her second arm hooked but he lays a couple elbows into the head.  Heidi pushes back and bridges, rolling Penn back into a pin!  One... Penn drops the crucifix, switches around to front chancery, lays in a Thai knee strike.]

DDK:
Penn has come into this match believing that his martial arts ability easily surpasses Heidi’s. Without passing judgment on that comment, he’s certainly more than adequate.

[Penn throws a second knee, but Heidi was waiting for it and catches the leg.  Penn wobbles, and on one leg Heidi’s able to push him over backwards.  Instead of going straight for a submission, she simply grabs the ankle and flips over his body, snapping the leg Mr. Perfect style.  And then instead of something fancy she just kicks him while he’s lying on the mat as hard as she can.]

THWAAACK!

Angus:
Oh sweet Jesus!

Tom:
Honestly, Heidi’s crazy to overlook Curtis Penn, he’s a former World Tag Team Champ before, but trying to overlook Heidi is closer to suicidal, and if Curtis Penn doesn’t learn better than that quickly...

Angus:
Ka-pfft. Jon’s biggest problem is that he DOESN’T PAY ATTENTION.

DDK:
Curtis Penn, Angus.

Angus:
Whatevs.

[While the commentators banter, Heidi prowls around Penn’s body, then bolts forward and kicks him again.]

DDK:
Heidi utilizing those quasi-legal soccer kicks.

Tom:
I can tell you all first hand how hard that woman kicks.  She hits you in the ribs, it knocks your wind out.  She kicks you in the leg, your leg goes numb.  She kicks you in the back, your balance gets knocked off center.

[Another soccer kick connects, this one right under the left shoulder.  Penn is rolled over onto his back, and Heidi drops down on top of him for a very lackadaisical cover.  One... TWO... Penn’s out in about 2.2. Heidi sits down on his back, drapes his arms over her knees as though going for a camel clutch, then rolls over, bringing him with her and applying the lotus lock!]

Tom:
Heidi’s toying with Penn. I know her style by now, and I know she’d be surgically dissecting a specific joint to aim for the win if she really wanted to head toward the back. Something’s up, here.

DDK:
None the less, the vast majority of Heidi’s strength is in her lower body, and she’s using it to apply pressure to the neck.

Angus:
Yeah, she’s also squeezing his arms together behind his back, too, that’s gotta hurt his shoulders... I probably shouldn’t have mentioned I noticed that.

[Penn braces his feet and pushes back, rolling Heidi over onto her back!  ONE...quick kickout, but Penn escapes the lotus lock.  Instead of getting to his feet, he rolls over onto his back and catches Heidi in guard when she dives back at him!  An elbow strike from the ground stuns her, and Penn sinks in the kimura!]

DDK:
And Penn finally has a chance to do some damage! Heidi’s looking for a way out of it...

[And not finding one.  He’s too heavy for her to stand up, she can’t break his guard with one hand, rolling over would be counterproductive, and Heidi has to resort to pulling backwards and draping her ankle over the bottom rope.  Shields calls for the break, Penn argues, Shields tries arguing back before giving up and starting the five count.]

Angus:
And it begins.  Heidi spazzes whenever she has to rope break.  She’s all mad and sad ‘cos she thinks she’s being held to a double standard, and since Penn gets to argue...

[But Heidi slides out of the ring.  Holding her elbow, she walks down the ringside towards the announce table.  Sam and Jamie immediately jump in place between Heidi and Tom, and as though she never had the slightest intention of attacking Tom Sawyer, Heidi climbs up on the apron.]

Angus:
You catch her givin’ you the stinkeye there, Tommy Boy?

Tom:
Yeah. She wants me to know what the Aggro Crag is gonna be like.

DDK:
Mindgames go both ways. You might have the advantage with knowing the match, but Heidi is Heidi. And now, she’s going for something nasty on Curtis Penn... DROPKICK!

[With the distraction, Penn was waiting on Heidi and as she climbed onto the apron, sprinted and knocked her flying backwards with a dropkick!  Heidi flies into her security guards as Penn heads across the ring to build up speed, and...]

DDK:
TOPE! Tope suicido from Curtis Penn!

Tom:
But he missed Heidi!  He only got the guards!

Angus:
Better start running, kid.

[As Sam goes all the way down and Jamie hangs onto the commentary desk, Heidi quickly moves in behind the fallen and shaken Penn, locking in the full nelson and delivering her trademark vicious dragon suplex right on the ringside mats!]

DDK:
And that’s going to hurt for days. She whips people over so fast with that dragon suplex I’m surprised she hasn’t broken a neck with it.  Heidi’s pulling Penn to his feet, setting something up!

Tom:
Schwein!  On the outside!  She’s sick, she’s trying to injure his neck!

[Heidi was close enough to overhear, and she screams loud enough to be picked up clearly.]

Heidi:
He asked for this and you know it!

[Curtis Penn is thrown back into the ring and Heidi rolls in after him.]

DDK:
Heidi, applying a standing deathlock to the legs, ducks her head underneath his arm and hooks an arm triangle choke!

Tom:
Ooh.  Modified jail hold.  

[Penn tries punches with his un-trapped arm, but he can’t get leverage enough to hurt her with them.  The punches slow down, and his arms drop.  Shields checks his arm.]

ONE!  

...he’s out.

TWO!

...he’s out.

THREE!

...he’s rallying!

DDK:
Penn, shaking his fist, trying to get the fans behind him, and...

[Suddenly, his fist drops again.  Shields looks a bit puzzled, but he goes back to check.]

ONE!

...he’s out.

TWO!

...he’s out.

THREE!

...he’s rallying!

DDK:
Penn, trying to stay in this, delivering shots to Heidi’s ribcage with his free arm, and... stops?

Tom:
Guys.  I know what’s going on here.

[Shields is checking Penn again.]

ONE!

...he’s out.

Tom:
Penn’s not breakout out of that hold of hers, but since it’s a knockout hold rather than a submission, she’s deliberately not putting him to sleep.

TWO!

...he’s out.

Tom:
So she lets him start to get some energy back and then she tightens it up again.

THREE!

...he’s “rallying”!

DDK:
I do believe you’re right.

[This time the fans don’t bother to cheer, they just boo.  Mark Shields wags a finger in Heidi’s face.  Heidi rolls her eyes, braces her leg that isn’t anchoring the deathlock and pushes with it, synching in the hold as tight as she can possibly manage.]

[Penn taps.]

DING!  DING!  DING!

Tom:
I can’t say that I didn’t expect the match to end kind of like this...

[Sam brandishes the taser meaningfully, and so Heidi drops the hold.  She climbs up on the ropes facing the announcer’s table, flips Tom off with both fingers, and then swagger-walks across the ring and onto the ramp before heading to the back.]

DDK:
We’ll be back in a bit, wrestling fans!

Knock, knock.

[Eric Dane’s office.]

[It’s an awfully popular place, yeah?]

[The Ultra Mega BAWS of DEFIANCE is behind his desk. He heard the knock, by the way, he’s just busy, so he’s ignoring it.]

Knock, knock.

"Aye, we know you’re in there..."

"You can’t hide from us forever!"

[Before Dane even utters a response of permission, the door flies open and there stands the Triplasian that Includes a Caucasian who barge in, lead by Tyrone Walker.]

Tyrone Walker:
Dayumn, homie, answer your door much?

[At this moment all three of them try to enter but in classic comic fashion, the three combined are too fat to fit. Rather than wait on the three of them, the dark-skinned fourth wheel of the group scrambles over top of them, boombox in hand before performing a flip and landing on his feet a few feet inside the office. He calmly reaches down and presses a button on the boombox and suddenly Like a Boss begins playing and he begins bobbing his head to the beat as Ryan, Sam and Ty fight their way through the door.]

[Meanwhile. The BAWS finally turns his attention away from business and looks at the pint sized member of the crew that stands before him. He is not amused, with a look that says he might just stab this little fucker.]

Fourth Wheel: [Shaking nervously]
Heidi....HEIDI!

[With that he scrambles back away from the desk, planting himself firmly against the wall and holding the boombox up as a measure of defense before pressing another button, causing the song I’m Sorry to play.... Say hello to Pinis, Pinis 2000. That’s PINE-US, not PEEN-IS or PEEN-US. He’s a strange little fellow, who only speaks in song from his magical boombox with an infinite playlist and with the names of people who represent his current emotional state. Needless to say, Heidi Christensen is one scary bitch.]

[Finally managing to shove Ty and Sam out of the way, Ryan Matthews makes his way into the office, followed by the other two members of the Triumvirate that makes em beg for it. Matthews calmly takes a seat across from DA BAWS and folds his hands in his lap.]

Matthews:
I understand you wanted to speak with me...

[Dane’s icy blue gaze focuses on the lightest skinned brother of the four who stand before him.]

Dane:
Yes, Mr. Double Crown, I do. I was surprised when Ty over there, actually no, I was shocked that you would want to work for me.

Matthews:[Snickers to himself]
Ah yes, the age old jab at me that never seems to want to go away and die. I guess I should thank you for that bit of motivation. After all not six months later I went out and proved you wrong. I mean all jabs about transitional championships aside, I did manage to at least do ONCE what you managed to do what? Six times? But that’s all beside the point to me, water under the bridge if you will. And as far as working for you goes, I’m just here to have some fun with my compadres and maybe make a bit of scratch in the process.

Dane: [nodding]
Good, good. Just as long as you understand that I’m not going to tolerate any bullshit disruptions that cost me money.

Matthews: [shrugs]
I’m living by a simple philosophy these days Mr. Dane. Don’t start nothin, won’t be nothin. The only money I’ll be costing you will be the money you’re paying me in my contract and I think with the amount of merchandise my cohorts and I will be able to sell for you, that contract will be well worth it’s weight. I have no ambitions aside from the three of us doing what we plan to do as a team. Other than that, I’ll just be watching from the sidelines really. Unless somebody in the locker room feels the need to get feisty with me...then I’ll handle business in the ring, the way it should be done. In other words, you needn’t worry about me tearing shit up in the back and making a mess of things. But if I have no choice but to put somebody down, I’m gonna put em down, that’s just the nature of our business.

[Again Dane nods, accepting Matthews word on the matter. Turning towards Ty, he continues.]

Dane:
Alright then, you vouched for them, so they’re your responsibility.

[Ty merely smirks with a roll of his eyes.]

Walker:
Yeah, yeah... I’ll try to keep the property damage to a minimum, heh.

Matthews: [raises a hand for a moment]
Just for future reference for the payroll department, Mr. Dane. The last name that should be on the check is Matthews, not Double Crown. Just wanted to clarify that for tax purposes. Would make me filing those bitches next year kinda difficult to explain to my accountant.

[Just then from the back of the room...]

Horry:
Oh yeah, and remember to tell them my last name is spelled H-O-R-R-Y. No E in there. Makes cashing them damn things difficult even with my ID in hand.

Walker:
Yeah, ‘cause droppin’ the E from your name is such a brilliant tactical maneuver in evading the feds.

[Dane’s brow, it cocked all curiously and such at the mention of the feds. Sam takes a swing at his cousin, a flat handed chop directly to the chest.]

Walker:
Did I say feds? I meant, baby-mamas, ‘cause you know how we do.

Matthews:
He’s not just evading fe-*ahem* baby-mamas in THIS country. [Turns to Dane] Probably doesn’t match many of your stories but if you want a decent laugh remind me sometime to tell you why he’s not allowed to go back to England...ever.

[Dane stares back at the three and their silent fourth member for a moment, but a quick twitch of the head breaks him from the stupor.]

Dane:
Right... Well, that was “utterly entertaining.”

[Taking that as a cue, the four take their leave, with Matthews being the last to exit. He turns back to Dane for a moment at the door.]

Matthews:
You know, I actually look forward to us doing business together. Never thought I’d be able to say that. Have a good one [Shooter McGavin-style single pistol gesture]...boss.

[Cut.]

DDK:
Welcome back to the events center at UC Santa Barbara! We’ve got a good one up next!

Angus:
It better be. Wait, what am I saying? Uncle Seth is involved!

Quimbey:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is a tag team match and is schedule for one fall…

[Dim the lights, fill that bitch with smoke. Hit those red stage lights. Dragon Jones paces out, dragging Folding Chair behind him via an attached chain.]

Quimbey:
Introducing first… Hailing from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, and weighing in at 197 pounds! He... is... Dragon Jones... THEEEEEEEEEEEE FIIIIIIIIIRST!!!

♫ I got some shit ta say just for the fuck of it ♫
♫ Them thangs them thangs don't even ask me ♫

DDK:
Last week Seth Stratton defeated Eugene Dewey using questionable tactics, and this week Eugene and Tom Sawyer will team up to face him and this man, Dragon Jones.

Angus:
Questionable? He won the match, no question about that.

[Dragon ignores the fans on the way to the ring, stomping up the ring stairs and being told his chair is not legal to be used in this match. He them promptly ties it to the bottom post.]

♫ Master of self contained combust ♫
♫ Sustained disgust command him claim ♫
♫ Figure eight strut can't be touched ♫
♫ Subversive infiltration reign supreme in none me trust ♫
♫ Why must them fuck them ♫

[His music cuts, and immediately Dokken’s “Breaking the Chains” rips through the UCSB Events Center. Tens of women swoon as Seth Stratton makes his way out onto the stage.]

Quimbey:
Introducing second, hailing from Atherton, CA… standing six foot two inches and weighing in at two hundred and fifty pounds, he is THE SULTAN OF SWEET… SETHHHHHHH… STRAAAAAAAAATONNNNNN!

DDK:
Earlier tonight it was revealed that Head of DEFSEC ‘Buffalo’ Brian Slater has been tasked with keeping an eye on Seth Stratton, and Seth seemed none too happy with that.

Angus:
Seth is a man of style. Why would he want some lumbering mountain man harshing his groove?

[Seth jogs down the ramp. A fan attempts to reach out and pat him on the back. Seth jumps two feet in the opposite direction.]

Angus:
Hands off, heathen!

DDK:
What a nutcase.

[Seth climbs the stairs and into the ring. He eyes Dragon Jones uncomfortably. The Halo 2 Theme (Mjolnir Mix) hits, to a small pop from the crowd.]

Quimbey:
Introducing third, from Buffalo, Wyoming, standing six feet tall and weighing in at two hundred and sixty pounds… EUUUUUGENE DEEEEEWEEEEEYYYY!

[Eugene heads out from the back and waves uncomfortably to the crowd. He walks down to the ring and reluctantly slaps hands with a few fans before getting into the ring. He waves again and takes his place in the corner quietly.]

Quimbey:
And finally…

[“Tom Sawyer” by Rush.]

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Angus:
I can’t wait for Heidi to finish this guy off at Ascension.

DDK:
What an awful thing to say! This man is a role model, he spent his week helping with flood relief in Calgary!

Angus:
And Seth spent his week helping with flood relief between the legs of several women, whose to say which act was more courageous?

DDK:
You’re a disgusting person.

[Tom makes his way to the ring, giving out plenty of high fives on the way down the ramp.]

Quimbey:
Standing five foot, seven inches tall… weighing in at one hundred and ninety pounds… from Red Deer, Alberta, Canada… TOMMMMMMM… SAAAAAAAAAAAAWYEEEEEEER!

[Tom slides into the ring and begins talking strategy with Eugene Dewey. Seth and Dragon also talk strategy, but it comes off more as whiney bickering. Seth finally sends Dragon to the corner with a ‘Whatever, man’ expression.]

DINGDINGDING

DDK:
It appears Eugene Dewey and Seth Stratton are going to start this one out.

Angus:
We may not even see a tag out. Seth might just end this here and now.

[The two men lock up. Eugene surprises everyone, including himself, by taking Seth by the arm and quickly slamming him to the mat. Tom Sawyer applauds, the fans cheer, and Seth quickly rises to his feet and delivers a standing kick to Eugene’s ribs.]

Angus:
Questionable strategy by Seth, there’s still a lot of meat on those bones.

[Eugene winces in pain, and Seth goes for another kick. But this time, Eugene catches his leg and delivers a potent right to Seth’s chin, knocking him to the mat.]

DDK:
Now that’s how you deal with a bully!

Angus:
No, it isn’t. That just pissed Seth off.

[Eugene pulls Seth to his feet before he can regroup, hooks his arm, and lands a picture perfect vertical suplex. The crowd pops, and Eugene lifts Seth again, steps behind him and drops him with a falling neck breaker. He goes for the cover…

ONE! TWO! THR-KICKOUT!]

DDK:
Near fall there for Eugene, after an impressive sequence.

Angus:
Near fall my ass.

[Eugene stands and makes his way to his corner to tag in Sawyer, but Seth scurries up and catches him. He turns Dewey around, plants a boot in his stomach and kicks him rights in the face, causing Eugene’s head to snap back and spit to fly everywhere.]

Angus:
Did you really think it’d be that easy, Eugene?

[With Dewey holding his face, Seth hits the ropes and comes back, taking him to the mat with a powerful clothesline. Instead of going for the pin, he stands and hit’s the ropes again, turning towards Sawyer and smiling before dropping a knee on Eugene’s head.]

DDK:
People think this guy is a joke, but he also may be evil.

Angus:
And by evil, I’m sure you mean easily victorious in life.

[Seth goes for the cover…

ONE! TWO! KICKOUT!]

DDK:
And Eugene gets a shoulder up!

Angus:
Stay down, ya doughy bastard!

[Seth lifts Eugene to his feet and walks to his corner with a hand outstretched. Dragon Jones reaches in to tag, but then Seth pulls it away and smooths his hair back. Then, he flips Jones off.]

DDK:
These two seem to like each other.

[Seth drags Dewey back to the center of the ring and executes a spinning back elbow to Dewey’s throat, dropping him once again to the mat. Seth picks up one of Eugene’s legs and begins viciously stomping him in the back of the knee.]

Angus:
And those knees are already in pretty bad shape, what with them belonging to Eugene Dewey.

DDK:
Just stop it.

[Seth drags Eugene to the ropes and tangles the leg he’d been working in the bottom and middle ones. He then begins to stomp at the knee again.]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Referee Benny Doyle begins the count, and when Seth doesn’t stop at five, Doyle motions to the timekeeper in a serious fashion. Seth then stops and puts his hands up innocently. Doyle untangles Eugene's leg.]

DDK:
It appears that Benny Doyle isn’t going to cut Seth Stratton an ounce of slack. About time!

Angus:
I apologize for my broadcast partner, you see, he hates success.

[Eugene tries to stand, but falls to one knee. Seth sits back and watches as he drags himself towards Sawyer. He shouts mock encouragement. Sawyer reaches out, but just before Eugene can tag, Seth drags him back to the center of the ring. Seth waits for him to start crawling again, but he doesn’t.]

DDK:
Seth Stratton with the mind games, but the truth is he wants no part of Tom Sawyer!

Angus:
Please. His business is with Dewey.

[With Dewey refusing to take part in Seth’s game, Seth walks over and lifts him… but Eugene reverses it into a quick roll up.

ONE!TWO!THR-NO!]

DDK:
Eugene almost ended this one right there!

Angus:
Almost doesn’t count.

[Although unable to finish it, Eugene does get to his feet quickly slightly favoring his right knee, and tags Tom Sawyer in.]

DDK:
Here we go!

[Before Seth can fully get up, Sawyer lands a quick standing dropkick to his head. Seth is thrown back to the mat. Sawyer hits the ropes and lands a quick leg drop, going for a fast pin…

ONE! TWO! ..

NO!]

Angus:
Seth with the shoulder up!

[Sawyer stands and takes a step back. Dragon reaches a hand out for Seth to tag, and it appears Sawyer will allow it.]

DDK:
See, that’s how it should be!

[Seth walks over to Jones, but halfway there he turns around and charges Sawyer, whose prepared and hits a drop toe hold. Stratton lands head first on the top turnbuckle and bounces up, right into a reverse DDT from Sawyer. He tags Dewey back in.]

DDK:
Tom Sawyer with some quick yet effective offense. Eugene Dewey’s back in, and he’s going for a pin!

Angus:
Scavenger!

[ONE! TWO! THR-NO!]

DDK:
Stratton kicks out again!

[Eugene pulls Seth up and whips him into his and Sawyer’s corner, than delivers a big body splash. The crowd pops, and Sawyer throws his hands up, encouraging them. Seth stumbles out of the corner and Eugene goes for another big right hand. This time though, Seth ducks underneath it, kicks Eugene in the gut and plants him with a DDT.]

Angus:
Boom!

[Seth glances over at Dragon Jones, who wants into the match something awful. Seth waves a dismissive hand towards him and turns his attention back to Dewey.]

Angus:
Seth doesn’t need any help beating these two. Honorable!

DDK:
He’s too egotistical to realize this match isn’t all about him, you mean.

[Pissed, Jones reaches down and picks up his trademark steel chair. Benny Doyle notices immediately and runs over to Jones, ripping the chair out of his hands and giving him an earful.]

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

DDK:
Benny Doyle is laying down the law tonight!

Angus:
Booo-ring! Come on, guys! Boo-ring!

[Seth notices the commotion in his corner, and instead of going for a pin he lifts Dewey and whips him hard…

… right at Benny Doyle. The impact of Dewey hitting him sends his head into the chair, and he collapses to the mat. Eugene goes shoulder and neck first into the ring post, and also goes down.]

DDK:
THAT WAS DELIBERATE!

Angus:
You can’t prove that!

DDK:
Benny Doyle is down, and he looks like he’s out cold!

[With Doyle out, Dragon Jones enters the ring and comes straight for Seth. Sadly for him, Seth retrieves his chair and gives it back. To his face.]

Angus:
Seth knocks Dragon Jones out with his own chair!

DDK:
His own partner, disgraceful.

[Jones falls backwards and out of the ring in a heap. The crowd begins to cheer and Seth bathes in it, thinking they’ve finally come to appreciate him.]

DDK:
They’re not cheering for you, psycho!

[But in reality, they’re just cheering for Tom Sawyer, who has snuck up behind Seth. When he turns, Sawyer drop kicks the chair into his face.]

SAW-YER SAW-YER
SAW-YER SAW-YER
SAW-YER SAW-YER

Angus:
Listen to these people chant this cheaters name!

DDK:
You sir, are a fickle douchebag.

[With Seth down, Tom drags Eugene back towards their corner. He steps out of the ring and onto the apron, reaches back in, and tags Eugene.]

DDK:
Now Sawyer is in!

[Sawyer drags Stratton to the corner and climbs to the top rope. He holds his right arm up and leaps..]

DDK:
ODE TO THE MA- OH!

Angus:
HAHAHAHAHA!

[Right when Sawyer is about to land the Elbow, Seth shoots into a sitting position. And starts playing air guitar. Sawyer crashes to the mat.]

DDK:
Sawyer is down! Normally that might’ve done less damage, but he’s endured so much punishment in the last few weeks!

Angus:
And Seth Stratton is rocking out! No one plays possum like Uncle Seth!

[Seth climbs to his feet and watches a downed Sawyer try to climb up. Seth takes a look around, and gets a glint in his eye.]

DDK:
I don’t like that look.

Angus:
I love that look. Greatness, incoming!

[Seth checks to make sure Benny Doyle is still out. He is. He reaches into the waistband of his tights and retrieves a circular metal object. He slips it up his right arm until it rests snugly under his elbow.]

DDK:
What the heck is that? Looks like some kind of modified version of brass knuckles, but for the arm!

Angus:
What innovation !

[As Tom struggles up, still doubled over, Seth comes off the ropes…]

DDK:
MATCH POINT! WITH THAT PIECE OF METAL ON HIS ARM! NOT THIS WAY!

Angus:
Yes this way!

DDK:
TOM SAWYER IS OUT!

Angus:
Stratton with the pin!

[Seth hooks the leg, waiting for the sweet sound of the ref’s hand hitting mat to commence. But it doesn’t. Cause, you know, he’s still out cold.]

DDK:
Seth Stratton is none to happy now, perhaps he shouldn’t have taken Benny Doyle out to expedite his cheating!

Angus:
What? That was a tragic accident, and so is this! Stratton’s gotten like a six count! Ring the damn bell!

[Seth angrily rises from the mat and walks over to the half conscious Benny Doyle. He smacks his face a couple times and drags him to where Sawyer lies.]

Angus:
Seth doing his best to revive our downed official! What a humanitarian!

DDK:
What? Ugh… I don’t even have the strength to argue anymore.

[Seth again goes for the pin, and probably out of muscle memory, Benny Doyle manages a count…

ONE!

TWO!

..
..
..

THREE-

WHAT?!]

DDK:
‘BUFFALO’ BRIAN SLATER IS HERE! HE JUST PULLED BENNY DOYLE FROM THE RING!

Angus:
This is a travesty of justice, he can’t do this!

[Slater checks on the injured Doyle, then turns to Stratton whose standing in the ring in disbelief. Slater has no mic, but his bellowed words can be heard clearly without one.]

“NOT ON MY WATCH.”

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

DDK:
Seth Stratton is livid! I’ve never seen a grown man throw a fit like this!

Angus:
As he should, he had Sawyer dead to rights!

[Stratton walks over to the ropes and starts a screaming argument with Slater. The two of them exchange verbal barbs, and in all the excitement Seth fails to notice Dragon Jones slowly climbing back onto the apron and blind tagging himself in.]

DDK:
Dragon Jones is finally in! Sawyer is still out! Benny Doyle is cognizant! It can’t end this way!

Angus:
He's going to steal Seth's win!

DDK:
What do you expect, he just hit him with a chair!

[Jones leisurely walks over to Sawyer and lays on him back first. He raises both hands in the air in pre-celebration.


… But there is no count.]

DDK:
Benny Doyle isn’t counting! Why?

Angus:
Fix! The fix is in!

[Jones stands up and begins shouting at Benny Doyle.]

“WHY THE FUCK AREN’T YOU COUNTING?”

[Benny Doyle points behind Jones, who turns to find a much slimmer but still rotund Eugene Dewey charging at him like an angry rhino. He knocks Jones to the mat with a shoulder block.]

DDK:
What?! Eugene Dewey is still active! DOYLE NEVER SAW TOM TAG IN!

Angus:
I can’t believe this shit.

[With Jones down, Dewey decides to take care of the next order of business: throwing Seth Stratton out of the ring. It appears Brian Slater is able to catch him, but decides not to and Seth hits the floor. Hard.]

DDK:
Jones is down, Stratton is down! Dewey is crouching!

Angus:
I repeat, I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT!

[As Jones staggers up and turns, Dewey launches off the mat.]

DDK:
SHORYUKEN! Now Jones is out! Dewey is… Dewey is… Not going for the pin?

Angus:
What the hell is wrong with this guy?

[Dewey instead walks over to check on Tom, whose sitting in the corner. They begin a quick conversation.]

DDK:
I think Eugene Dewey wants to tag Tom Sawyer in to get the win! What sportsmanship!

Angus:
What stupidity! They’re going to let this match slip away!

[Eugene helps Tom to his feet, and Tom slaps him on the back. We see him mouth the words "This one’s yours, dude."]

DDK:
True friendship on display here!

Angus:
I’m going to vomit.

[Eugene jogs back to where Dragon Jones lays, still out. He pins him and hooks the leg…

ONE!

..

..

..

Seth Stratton crawls to his feet and notices what’s going on. He slides into the ring…

TWO!

… But can’t interrupt the count, because Brian Slater has a grip on his left boot so tight, it might as well be stuck in a bear trap.

..

..

..

THREE!

DINGDINGDING!

DDK:
THEY DID IT!

Angus:
Someone get me a bucket, I swear.

Quimby:
THE WINNERS OF THIS MATCH… TOM SAWYER AND EUGENE DEWEY!

[Eugene and Tom stand in the middle of the ring with their arms raised in victory. The crowd showers them with cheers. Brian Slater pulls Seth back out of the ring and their argument continues.]

DDK:
Tom Sawyer and Eugene Dewey snatch victory from the jaws of defeat!

[The argument outside the ring escalates, and Seth backhands Brian Slater like an uppity prostitute.]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!

[It has no discernable effect.]

DDK:
I think Seth just made Brian Slater angry…

Angus:
Uh, I think Brian Slater made Seth angry when he robbed him of a win.

[Seth scurries up the ramp. Slater gives chase. The feed fades backstage.]

[Oh shit son, we’re backstage! ]

[There’s a DEFIANCE banner.]

[There’s a fern.]

[And there’s a motherfucking world champion, Bitch!]

[Oh, and Lance Warner is there right beside him with a microphone.]

[That can only mean one thing.]

Lance Warner:
Ladies and gentlemen I’m here with DEFIANCE world champion ‘COOL’ Cancer Jiles...

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Lance Warner:
Ahead of his match later on tonight against Alceo Dentari.

AHHHH-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[Lance turns to address Lord COOL.]

Lance Warner:
As you well know, Alceo Dentari defeated Tom Sawyer last week to qualify for the Ladder War at Ascension.

[Cancer nods.]

Lance Warner:
And you certainly didn’t seem to be short of words for him when you came face to face last week.

[Cancer shakes.]

[The worst addition to the McDonalds menu evar~!]

Lance Warner:
And that’s lead to your match tonight. Are you regretting any of those words in the run up to tonight’s main event?

[And from that moment Lance becomes nothing more than a well dressed mic stand.]

Cancer Jiles:
Why? Has ol’ Ace Dentari said or done anything he’s not said or done time and time before? Has he done anything but pout and shout about how he’s going to make me taste the remnants of Brooklyn on the soles of his feet? Has he shown even the slightest hint that he’s going to bring anything to that ring other than ‘Fat-Tits’, ‘Bitch-tits’, and a shinebox to stand on?

So do I regret anything I said to, or about, the little eye-talian greaseball?

No.

Not in the slightest.

[Lance goes to ask another question, but the founding member of the COOL Man Group isn’t done.]

Cancer Jiles:
He’s stomped around New York last week, all wide eyed and angry like something out of Cloverfield. Only he’s about 180 foot shorter and, according to rotten tomatoes, about 76% less fresh.

Ace is nothing.

I’ll prove he’s not on my level later tonight.

Alceo Dentari:
Not on your level?

[Alceo Dentari, all by his lonesome, walks into the shot and right in front of Lance Warner. Lance has been around his fair share of wrestlers, so he knows to take a step back, but makes sure to keep the microphone in between the two to pick up everything they say to each other.]

Alceo Dentari:
Please tell me I ain’t hearin’ that right.

[Dentari cups his ear and leans in to Jiles. The champ doesn’t bat an eyelid (probably) and readies himself to repeat... himself... Only it’s now his turn to be cut off before opening his lips.]

Alceo Dentari:
You know, on second thought, I don’t wanna hear it. ‘Cause all I been hearin’ from yous is a load a’ words.

[Dentari make the universal hand gesture for ‘running ones mouth’.]

Alceo Dentari:
Words that yous shoulda’ chose a lot more carefully.

[Alceo sticks a hand out and pie faces Jiles. Cancer responds with a two handed shove to Dentari’s chest which knocks him back a bit. Alceo comes back with a right hand and takes a fist to the midsection from Jiles.]

[Lance Warner meanwhile has fucked right off out of there, but his position between the two wrestlers is soon filled with DEFSEC guards who manage to prise Dentari and Jiles apart.]

[Over the many shouting guards, Alceo calls out to the champion.]

Alceo Dentari:
You wanted to see somethin’! YOU SAID YOUS WANTED TO SEE SOMETHIN’! I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHIN’! I’LL GIVE YOUS EVERYTHIN’!

Defsec Guard:
Come on, get him out of here!

[As Alceo is bundled away, still screaming about showing Jiles something. The champion straightens up his shades (Which never left his face) and assures the guards restraining him that he’s...]

[COOL.]
 

[The feed picks up near the loading area at the UCSB Events Center. Seth Stratton and ‘Buffalo’ Brian Slater stand amongst the Defiance trucks, continuing their argument from ringside.]

Seth:
… You cost me a match, troglodyte! I had Sawyer pinned!

BBS:
You locked me in a closet! I was hollerin’ like a trapped bear for almost an hour until someone let me out!

Seth:
And for good reason, had you stayed in the closet I’d have won the match and your parents wouldn’t have disowned you. Zing!

BBS:
Oh that’s real funny. How about I return the favor on that little love tap you gave me at ringside?

[Seth backs up a bit.]

BBS:
Don’t worry. That’s your one strike. But if you do it again, I’m going to knock out every one of your teeth with my bare fists.

Seth:
I understand. Now, let’s hug it out.

BBS:
No.

Seth:
Come on, bro.

BBS:
Don’t call me bro.

Seth:
Come on, home slice.

[Slater groans. Seth gives him a bro hug, extra long and tight. Slater looks ready to commit suicide. He pushes Seth off.]

BBS:
All right, that’s enough.

Seth:
Not comfortable with your sexuality, eh?

BBS:
No, I’m not comfortable with your sexuality.

Seth:
Oh, that’s very funny.

[We hear sirens approaching from the distance.]

Seth:
… Not as funny as this is going to be, though. Never shit a shitter!

BBS:
What the hell are you talking about?

[A police cruiser pulls up to the loading area. The car reads ‘UCSB Campus Police’. A portly officer steps out.]

Officer:
Which one of you is Eugene Dewey? We got a tip.

Seth:
Me, sir. I’m such a losery narc, I know. Anyway, this brute tried to sell me horse tranquilizers! He called it ‘Special K’. He said it’d make me ‘trip’. All I was trying to do was give him a free copy of the Book of Mormon!

Officer:
Is this true, sir?

BBS:
What? Absolutely not!

Officer:
And what’s this hanging out of your back pocket, sir?

[The cop grabs a large Ziploc baggie of white powder.]

BBS:
You’ve gotta be shitting me.

[He turns towards Seth.]

BBS:
Let’s hug it out, huh? I swear to God I’m going to kick you in the ribcage so hard blood comes out your eye sockets.

Officer:
Sir, please calm down.

BBS:
I WON’T CALM DOWN! I’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THI-

[Slater stops mid-statement and collapses to the ground, convulsing. We see the campus cop holding a taser. He speaks into the radio on his shoulder.]

Seth:
HA! DON’T TASE ME, BRO!

Officer:
This is unit forty-one, requesting backup. We’ve got a pretty big guy here at the events center suspected of possession of narcotics with intent to sell.

[The officer turns to Seth.]

Officer:
We’ll handle it from here, sir. Feel free to go about your evening.

Seth:
Thank you. Thank the good lord for our nation’s police. And for the record, I always thought the Rodney King beating was totally justified.

[With that, Seth turns, takes an unseen bump of something off the back of his hand, and frolics into the night. The camera feed fades.]

[Eric Dane’s office.]

[Again.]

[Christian Light is standing in front of Dane’s desk.]

[Again.]

[The difference between now and an hour and a half ago is that this time Eric Dane is neither tolerating Chris nor trying to get back on the same page with him. This time, the boss is speaking in a strained, hushed tone usually reserved for those who have tried his patience for the last time. Heidi Christenson knows this voice.]

Dane:
This is a thing we’re doing now?

[He cocks an eyebrow.]

Light:
I-

Dane:
Shut up. Just... shut up.

[Eric leans back into a more comfortable position, putting pressure on the bridge of his nose to stifle the oncoming migraine.]

Dane:
You go batshit on me, come back in here and tell me you and your kids had some kind of “Come to Jesus” meeting and you had what alcoholics refer to as a Moment of Clarity, and then an hour later you go out to ringside in a match that has nothing to do with you-

Light:
I was trying to-

Dane:
I said shut it, Chris. Don’t make call in the tesla-squad.

[Light shuts it, doing his best to hide from an inquisitive glare from the boss.]

Dane:
You go out and involve yourself into someone else’s match, a fucking. title. match. at that, and not only do you get involved, but you cost a friend a goddamned title belt. And then you’ve got the fuckin’ sack to come shufflin’ back in here to apologize again? Are you fucking stoned?

[Light does not answer.]

Dane:
Well maybe you fucking should be.

[An awkward silence settles over the two of them. Tension is so thick you could eat it with a spoon. Light looks like he’s about to say something again when he is interrupted by a very loud bang.]

Very Loud Bang!

[The door would be splintered and hanging from its hinges if the Black Jesus didn’t know better, but suffice it to say he was wound up to the top of the dial and ready to let loose on the man standing in front of him looking all contrite.]

Light:
Look, Ty, I-

Walker:
Shut. The Fuck. Up. Otha’wise I’mma shank you’n the fuckin’ neck like the cracker ass mothafucka that you are!

[The boss stands up.]

Dane:
Ty, if you could just-

Walker:
Naw, man, FUCK ALL’A THAT! [he turns back to Light] An’ fuck you, seriously, the HALE is yo’ mothafuckin’ problem out there? I told you I had it handled, I had peckerwood reelin’ an’ runnin’ for his damn life, but you just have to go off lose your goddamn mind, YET AGAIN! So what the fuck, do you got some kinda beef with me that we need to go out to the parkin’ lot an’ settle?

[Silence.]

Walker:
I asked you a question.  Do.  You.  And.  I.  Need.  To.  Go.  Outside?

Light:
Can I speak now?

[If it were anyone else in the company, it’d be the worst possible time for some sarcasm, but the question is asked in all seriousness, because, well, this is Christian Light.  When neither Dane nor Walker responded, other than Walker’s intense stare of hatred, Christian then spoke up.]

Light:
Okay so, Ty, I’m...

[Try as he might, Walker is having none of it as a notion hits him as he takes in a deep inhale of oxygen.]

Walker:
Nah, fuck it, dude. You know what? I don’t want your goddamn apologies, we’ve already been there an’ done all’a that bullshit... Not that you seem to remember, considerin’ how you take every goddamn chance to make use of the worst day of MY career to constantly remind people that you aren’t infallible, an’ to build hope that one of these days you an’ I’ll finally get this mothafucka done in the ring.

[EXHALE!]

[Another inhale, he continues.]

Walker:
Since you can’t seem to let it go, fuck it, you want this goddamn match so bad? You want to atone for some shit that I have told you time an’ mothafuckin’ time again that I have gotten over? Well then, you finally done did talked me into this bullshit. So fuck you an’ your guilt.

[He turns towards Dane.]

Walker:
Book that shit, nigga, whenever, wherever, however, if this mothafucka wants to bleed for his sins, I’mma do it so this bitch ass honky mothafucka can finally let this bullshit fuckin’ die already.

[With that Ty pivots on his heel and exits without another word, leaving Dane and Light behind.]

Light:
...if he calms down tomorrow and still wants to do this, then I’m fine with it.  

Dane[interrupting]:
Like you had a choice...

Light:
...but...

Dane[interrupting, slightly louder]:
Are you still here?  Are you still talking?  See yourself out before someone else does so for you.

[A pause, and a raised eyebrow from Christian Light.  He thinks about speaking up, but The Only Star gives him a hatestare, which silences any thought of speech.  He turns on his heel and walks out quickly, leaving the door open as he goes.]

Quimbey:
The following contest is the main event of the evening!  It is a NON-TITLE MATCH, set for one fall, with a 30 minute time limit!  Introducing first!

DA-NA-NA, DA-NA-NA, DA-NA-NA NA

[Dean Martin begins to croon and the fans boo in Pavlovian response.]

♫ How lucky can one guy be? ♫
♫ I kissed her and she kissed me ♫
♫ Like a fellow once said ♫
♫ “Ain’t that a kick in the head” ♫

Quimbey:
Accompanied to the ring by Tony Two-Hands and Big Vinny!  Hailing from Brooklyn, New York City, and weighing in at One Hundred... Ninety-Five pounds!  ALCEO!  DENNNNNNTAAARRRRIIII!!!

[The scowling mafioso stomps out of the back, trying to make up with belligerence what he lacks in height and his out-of-place cheerful theme song drives him on.  Tony Two-Hands, looking very... conflicted, and Big Vinny, who looks more hungry than anything else, follow him.]

♫ My head keeps... spinning ♫
♫ I go to sleep and keep... grinning ♫
♫ If this is just the be...ginning ♫
♫ My life’s gonna be ♫
♫ Beeeee-youtiful ♫

[In the ring, Dentari tests the ropes.]

Quimbey:
And his opponent!  

Angus:
YEEESSSS!!!

Quimbey:
Hailing from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and weighing in at 222 lbs!  He is the reigning Defiance World Heavyweight Champion!  COOL!  CANCER!  JIIIIIIIIIIIILLLEESS!!!!

♫ I’m the one your momma warned you about ♫
♫ When you see me I will leave you no doubt ♫
♫ I’m the coolest man on the face of this earth ♫
♫ I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth ♫

[Through a cloud of smoke that may or may not have been generated by a fog machine, the World Champion appears.  World Title around his waist.  COOL shades placed appropriately atop his COOL head.]

♫ I am the COOL ♫

Angus:
HE IS THE COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

DDK:
At the expense of professionalism - dammit Angus could you possibly be any more of a fanboy?

[Jiles doffs the shades and hands them to one of those wardrobe guardian ringside types.  He steps up to the ring apron... and Dentari attacks immediately!]

DDK:
Dentari!  Lefts and rights to the champ!  Knee lifts!  Jiles tumbles into the ring and Dentari’s just stomping away!

[Jiles tries to crabwalk to the corner but Dentari just follows right up, stomping and stomping and stomping.  He then switches over to hook punches as Jiles sits in the corner.]

DDK:
No wrestling match here, we’re just seeing a fight!  Dentari hammering away with everything he’s got and Jiles with a kick to the ribs!

[Dentari stumbles back, Jiles grabs the ropes and pulls himself up for another kick, Dentari stumbles back again, and Jiles unleashes the metal-reinforced hand.  Knife edge chop!]

WHOOOOO!!!

[Dentari clutches his reddening chest.  Jiles keeps firing.  Chop! Chop!  ChopchopchopchopCHOP and down goes Dentari!]

Angus:
HE IS THE COOOOOOOOOOOO *pffft*

[DDK quietly unplugs Angus’ headset.]

DDK:
Jiles attacking Dentari with all cylinders firing! Irish whip, Dentari reverses, Jiles ducks the clothesline, jumping forearm smash and down goes Dentari again!  

[Alceo Dentari decides it’s bail time and retreats out of the ring.]

DDK:
It’s not often you see Dentari moving backwards, but I’ve rarely seen Jiles fight with that kind of fire before.  Dentari moves in between the two gorillas and JILES WITH A RUNNING SHOOTING STAR FROM THE APRON!

[Jiles takes the running start, leaps off the apron with a shooting star press and slams into Dentari and the Gorillas. Dentari and Di Luca both go down.  Rinaldi manages to get hold of the guardrail before he falls.  Jiles throws Dentari back into the ring, rolls in himself, hits the ropes - just as Rinaldi steps in.  Jiles runs straigh into...]

Angus:
*pffft* AT HOLE! SLAAAAAM!!  Also, CANCERRRRRR NOOOOOOOO.....

[Di Luca pulls himself together and enters the ring.  He chickenwings Jiles’ arms behind his back as Dentari starts laying in heavy punches to the breadbasket.]

DDK:
It looks like, with his path to the ladder war guaranteed, Dentari’s more interested in doing as much damage to Jiles as he can rather than trying to win a comparatively unimportant singles match.  The bell hasn’t rung yet although I don’t know why, this match is obviously over.

Angus:
Says you party pooper, this shit is great TV!

[Di Luca releases Jiles, only for Dentari to grab him and slam him to the mat with his STO to Complete Shot.  Di Luca begins searching under the ring for something.]

Angus:
OH SWEET JEBUS ISN’T THERE ANYONE IN THIS PROMOTION COOL ENOUGH TO HELP LORD CANCER THE COOL?!

[Dentari directs Big Vinny to the turnbuckle as Di Luca begins withdrawing a ladder. Vinny is very dubious about this whole ‘heights’ thing, but he slowly climbs to the bottom rope, one foot to the middle, no, he wobbles and steps back down, takes another try at it, gets both feet on the middle rope, then gets one on the top rope, trying to hold his balance...]

[Engage “The Receiving End of Sirens”.  And before the lyrics even kick in, Python’s sprinting down the ramp.]

Angus:
OK, I mean, I’ll take it, but why Python? Did he come down with justice seeker’s syndrome or something this card?

[Python meets Tony Two Hands at ringside just as the big man turns around clutching the ladder.]

THWACK!

Angus:
HOLY FUCK!

DDK:
Python with a beautiful running dropkick to that ladder! Tony Di Luca is busted open folks!

[Di Luca drops to his knees clutching his gushing nose. Python wastes no top popping up on the apron then onto the top rope all in one beautiful movement. The Snake Man walks the ropes over to where Big Vinny is finally perched on the second rope. One leap later... ]

Angus:
FAT BOY GOIN’ FOR A RIDE KEEBS!

DDK:
HURRICANRANA FROM PYTHON, BIG VINNY IS FLAT ON HIS BACK ACROSS THE RING!

Angus:
You’re dealin’ with alot of extra momentum with a man that size.

[Dentari is quick to act, stopping Python in his tracks with a nasty low blow. Alceo gloats a little as Python drops to his knees clutching his balls. Before long however... ]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO-RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

DDK:
SUPERKICK FROM CANCER JILES, DENTARI’S JAW IS IN THE SECOND ROW!

Angus:
HE’S ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

[Cancer drops down and makes a cover. Ref Benny Doyle slides in to make the three count.]

DDK:
We never heard a bell Angus! The referee was letting this one go!

Angus:
It’s up to his discretion I guess... what a trooper that Benny Doyle!


1...


2...


3... WHAT THE HELL?!


[Jiles and Dentari both are crushed by a bloody battle worn billionaire making a crash landing off the top rope.]

DDK:
IT’S EDWARD WHITE! Ed White just crushed Cancer Jiles and Alceo Dentari both!

Angus:
WHERE THE FUCK DID HE COME FROM?!

[As Ed White starts laying boots to Cancer Jiles Big Vinny and Tony Two Hands retrieve their boss, pulling his limp body under the bottom rope and start towards the ramp leaving Ed alone with Python and Jiles back in the ring.]

Angus:
Ugh... cowards.

DDK:
The World Trios champions making a hasty retreat here... wait, look!

[Tony and Vinny (with Dentari slung over his shoulder) back step up the ramp right up to... ]

DDK:
IT’S BRONSON BOX! The Blood Diamonds are in full effect AGAIN tonight!

[Box boots Tony Two Hands then grabs him by the tracksuit and plants him head first like a battering ram right into the steep guardrail lining the rampway. The big Italian crumples like a soda can, dropping to the mat like a pile of dirty laundry.]

[Box slowly turns his attention to the fat man. Big Vinny in a moment of panic... ]

Angus:
DID HE JUST CHUCK DENTARI AT BOX?!

[He did. Vinny hurls his boss overhead press style right at The Scottish Strongman who catches the lithe little Italian like he was nothing at all. Box takes Dentari up and slams him back first across the guardrail, immediately barreling forward and shoulder blocking Big Vinny back into the ring apron.]

DDK:
BRONSON BOX JUST TOOK OUT DENTARI AND THE GORILLAS!

Angus:
HOLY JUMPIN’ JESUS CHRIST!

[Angus’ reaction wasn’t directed towards Bronson’s battle acumen but at the green blur sailing through the air TOWARDS The Wargod.]

DDK:
PYTHON WITH THE SPRINGBOARD SUICIDE DIVE ONTO BOXER!

[The two men tumble backwards, Python rolling through and ending up on his feet.]

THWACK!

[Python crumples down to the ramp.]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Angus:
WHAT THE HELL NOW?! WILL THIS MADNESS NEVER END?! THIS SHIT ISN’T EVEN A MATCH ANYMORE!

[Behind him holding a dented steel chair... ]

DDK:
DENTARI WITH THE NASTY CHAIR SHOT TO THE BACK OF PYTHON’S SKULL!

[Back in the ring referee Benny Doyle is trying his damndest to calm the tooth and nail brawl between Cancer Jiles and Edward White. After a few unsuccessful attempts and a stray fist or two to his person Doyle rolls under the bottom rope and leaves the arena... no decision, no bell he just rolls under the ropes in a huff and heads to the backstage area.]

Angus:
The refs have had it, Darren! They’re tired of this bullshit!

DDK:
I don’t blame ‘em, partner.

[Dentari leaves his goons and starts back up the ramp alone... eventually hitting a big fleshy wall.]

Angus:
Man, when will wrestlers realize it’s never a good idea to backstep up the ramp at the end of a show...

[Before the crowd even registers what’s happening Dentari is laid out with a nasty t-bone suplex. The littlest mob boss sailing through the entrance curtain and back into the gorilla position.]

DDK:
DAN RYAN JUST TOOK OUT ALCEO DENTARI!

Angus:
AND HE’S RUNNING DOWN TO RINGSIDE WITH A PURPOSE!

[Down at the foot of the ring Bronson Box and Python are just getting to their feet. Utilizing his catlike reflexes Python rolls to the side just as Ryan makes contact with Bronson. The two men drop to the ringside mat, Ryan raining down elbows from the mounted position right into Bronson’s face.]

Angus:
It’s complete anarchy, Keebs!

[Ed White has gotten the better of Cancer back in the ring, laying some lasty back elbows to the champs face and head. As cancer slowly slides down the turnbuckle down to his butt Edward spins around and drops the hammer with some vicious stomps to the neck and chest.]

[The ringside camera picks up some of The Socialite’s trash talk.]

Edward White:
THAT BELT IS MINE YOU FILTHY LITTLE PRICK! DO YOU HEAR ME?! MINE!

[The camera swings around to the dog pile of fists and hate that at its core is made up primarily of Bronson Box and Dan Ryan. Ryan still has Bronson mounted, his forearm currently doing the damage dug directly into the side of Bronson’s bloody face. Through bloody teeth and busted lips Bronson still manages to egg The Ego Buster on.]

Bronson Box:
You’ll have to do better than that ye’ wee PRINCESS... *spits blood*
 
[Ryan roars as Bronson gets the better of him, both men managing to get to their feet. An enraged Dan Ryan though wastes no time and drills Bronson through the metal ringside barrier and back through the first few rows of chairs and humanity, crashing into a particularly large fan and collapsing, a broken barrier and a trail of wreckage behind them.]

Angus:
SWEET BABY JAMES, DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT!

HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

[Box is down.  Ryan gets to one knee, shaking his head, trying to clear his eyes, when...

Fan:
RRRAAAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!

[The Large Fan - a truck sized bald man with a lumpy face and a shiny hairless head - grabs Ryan by the neck, LIFTS HIM TO HIS FEET, and begins laying headbutts into him! Ryan, caught completely by surprise, falls to one knee and then over backward.]

Fan:
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!!!

[And Box throws himself into the fray with an overhand right, sending the fan stumbling, bleeding from the lip, back through the hole in the barricade and out onto the ramp!]

Angus:
What on God’s Green Earth is HAPPENING HERE?!  Who the hell is that?!

[Box and The Fan exchange haymakers, Box’s boxing training and The Fan’s sheer size neutralizing each other.  And then Dan Ryan clotheslines them both down, falling himself as he delivers a double lariat!]

[Back in the ring Ed Has Cancer by the hair, hammering the champs head with a heavy downward fist.]

FUCK YOU EDWARD! *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP*
FUCK YOU EDWARD! *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP*

DDK:
These fans not shy about their distaste for The Socialite’s actions here, Angus.

Angus:
One fucking main event, man. Just one fucking main event without all this bullshit and interference. The referee just fuckin’ LEFT man. No bell no nothin’... what are we even doing here?

DDK:
Calling... whatever this is, partner.

Angus:
Yeah, well I... SPRINGBOARD FLIPPING NECKBREAKER FROM PYTHON!

[It happens in a flash, Python seizing the top rope, launching himself into the ring and seizing Ed White by the head while in midair. The former WfWA World Champion grabs Ed White by the head and brings him down with a gorgeous flying neckbreaker.]

[Python pops back up, still holding his injured head from earlier, and looks around confused. Ed White rolls to the “safety” outside the ring.  Which isn’t even remotely safe, what with the Box/Ryan/Big Fan brawl, and Dentari and the Gorillas throwing themselves into it!]

[The World Champ Cancer Jiles has slowly scooched his way into a sitting position against one of the turnbuckles, exhausted.]

DDK:
Python is the last man standing in this melee!

Angus:
Now what? WAIT LOOK...

[Python grins and looks around the ring, his eyes coming to rest on the ladder.]

Angus:
I sense it.  He’s gonna do something.

[Python stands that ladder up near the edge of the ring.  He scrambles up it, perches with one foot on the top rung one on the rung just below that, and...]

Angus:
MOOOOOOONSAULT FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER!  MOONSAULT FROM TWENTY FEET IN THE GODDDAMN AIR!

[It’s like some kind of slow motion trainwreck.  Python lands square on top of the pile.  Big Vinny, Dan Ryan and that Big Fan catch the brunt of it, and as they fall, they land on people, and those people also fall, and chaos radiates outwards as a sea of humanity with Python on top of it collapses.]

Angus:
IT’S LIKE GANGS OF NEW YORK UP IN HERE, KEEBS!

AND KING CANCER THE LORD OF COOL IS ON HIS FEET!

[For like five second.]

EL KA-BONG!

Angus:
WHAT THE NO NO NOOOOOO HES SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD OR SOMETHING!

[Kai Scott, his trademark crutch bent in half and busted beyond belief, stands over the fallen World Champion.  Breathing heavily for a few seconds, he drops the busted crutch and rolls out of the ring on the clear side before jumping the guardrail.]

Angus:
EVERYBODY’S OUT COLD! It looks like a tornado hit an opium den at ringside! Handlebar mustaches, pot heads, eccentric millionaires, and greasy italians fuckin’ everywhere!

DDK:
FOLKS WE’RE OUT OF TIME! WE’LL SEE YOU AT THE PAY PER VIEW!

Angus:
WHERE’S LEO, DARREN?!

[Cut to DEFIANCE logo.]

[Black.]