AGGRO CRAG 2
Posted by Tom Sawyer on 15 Jun 2013
This one needs little introduction. Season 4, Episode 2 of DEFIANCE TV. The Aggro Crag 2. Cancer Jiles and Edward White, "Money for Nothing and COOL for Free" versus Tom Sawyer and Lucas Harper, The Foreshadowing. Complete with hype segs.
[The image of the rocky outcroppings and the craggy spires appears on one of the DEFIANCE Cameras. The Aggro Crag slumbered, taking up the entire entranceway of the arena. The DEFIATron was hung over one of the mountainous rockfaces, still unlit. The arena was getting the last finishing touches done to it before showtime.]
Voiceover:
“Over twenty miles of steel girders went into it’s construction.”
[The cameras cut to the massive lines outside. People were calmly waiting, tickets in hand, to see the event of the year. The return of the Crag, the greatest wrestling spectacle to ever bring two tag teams together.]
[A person with a mike stepped up to one of the people in line, and the question “What brought you to this show?” was offered.]
Fan:
“I’m here to see the Aggro Crag!”
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[The camera cuts back to the Crag, panning up the sharp spire of Avalanche Peak, simply covered in boulders and loose rocks ready for the slidin’.]
Voiceover:
“The total weight of the Aggro Crag is roughly the same as the entire state of Montana.”
[Cut back to the fans. Another fan was asked the question.]
Fan:
“I’m here to see White and Jiles take one in the face!”
[Back to the Crag, camera rushes through the terrifyingly narrow twists and bends of the Boulder Canyon, the gigantic, lava-infused rocks already trembling and ready to blow, ready to send razorsharp rockshards spinning into flesh, slashing through meat and tearing the very t-shirts from the (incredibly marketable) backs of the World Tag Team Champions, and the Former World Tag Team Champions.]
Voiceover:
“Over eighteen million bolts, rivets, studs and screws were used in the creation of the Crag.”
[Cut to the fans, where one woman, already wearing a Foreshadowing t-shirt, was bouncing up and down with excitement as the man with the microphone stepped up to her. When he asked “Why did you come tonight?”, she screamed and threw her arms around the interviewer, who the camera pulls back to reveal...]
[The constantly-smiling blonde Canadian, Tom Sawyer! She hugged him tight, bouncing up and down with excitement as she did!]
Fan:
“I CAME TO SEE YOU, TOM!”
[The camera slowly panned up the brutal climbing surface of the Wall of Doom, a 110 degree vertical ascent. Not for the faint of heart, not for the weak, and not for the unCOOL. Steam and fog dribbled from various holes and ports on the wall, a small fire sparkled in one abscess, and frosty cold poured from another. The Crag’s mighty surfaces were ready for a show.]
Voiceover:
“In the history of the Aggro Crag, never has it been more lethal, more menacing, and more monstrous than it is today! Men have died trying to conquer the Aggro Crag, and when asked why he was willing to risk his very life to face it, one man only could say... ‘Because it’s there.’”
[The fans in line have rallied together, chanting and pumping fists in the air.]
Fans:
“AGG-RO CRAG! AGG-RO CRAG! AGG-RO CRAG!”
[The camera pulled back, scanning from the top of the Radical Rock on down to the base, where the DEFIANCE wrestlers would be entering through a tunnel cut through the Crag. There stood the man doing the voiceover during this whole taped segment, Mister Cito Conarri. He grinned, and extended a hand to the camera.]
Cito:
“Tonight, the DEFIANCE World Tag Team Championships are on the line in this, the greatest of all spectacles. Who will win the belts, Tom Sawyer and Lucas Harper, or Edward White and Cancer Jiles? We’ll find out on this episode of DEFIANCE TV, where we will pay witness to...”
[Faintly, one could hear the fans chanting still.]
Fans:
“AGG-RO CRAG! AGG-RO CRAG! AGG-RO CRAG!”
=-=-=
[Cut to a packed house.]
[A panoramic pan reveals a raucous group of Defiant faithful in attendance. The camera’s shot comes to rest on The Crag-- which glistens in all of its Whacked Out Sports glory.]
[Then...]
[Then the entire joint goes deaf. Dire Straights booms and rattles and shakes and rolls over the PA, as if the building sounds system were in place for just this very song. Emerging from underneath the massive structure-- the reigning, defending, ALL-TIME World Tag Team Champions.]
[They also appear to be in all of their glory as well.]
[Getting out from underneath The Crag’s shadow, Count COOL turns and starts walking backwards-- taking in all the monstrous, Trendkiller-sized playground has to offer. ]
CCJ: [eyes wider than a triple penetrated a-hole]
That. Is. Big.
[Cancer wanted to, but didn’t raise the shades to see if his glasses were playing tricks on him. Like, if he were wearing the 3D ones or something of the sort. Mr. White on the other hand, just continued walking on down to the ring, like it were another day at the office.]
[In theory though, Edward White’s office is much fancier than the arena, and The Crag for that matter.]
[Just saying.]
[After entering the ring via Nicky Corozzo’s second-rope assistance, White adjusts the sparkling World Title around his waist, and reaches into the inside pocket of his pinstriped-blazer for that trusty Bluetooth.]
[Jiles’ entrance wasn’t as graceful. See, he was still walking backwards, and wound up backing into the ring. He did not fall. Rather, just looked like a retarded ass. Luckily he was not injured.]
[You can breathe now, Angus.]
Edward White: [talking over a sea of boos]
Ahhh.... it’s good knowing that while you all sit there cheering for Money for Nothing and Cool for Free’s future demise-- I’m making a killing in the foreign markets.
[Jiles slides into the ring, and joins his partner in the center.]
CCJ: [holding his title high in the air]
THIS MEANS I’M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU COMBINED! SUCK AN EGG, MONGOS!
[The obvious fan fare parades through the arena, bringing a bigger smile to The COOL one’s face. Fucking guy just loves saying shit that makes people want to kill him.]
[Oh well.]
CCJ:
Really?
This shit again??? This, zero respect shit? I mean, here we are... in front of ze Crag.... about to put our lives and titles on the line..... and you simpleton fucks still feel the need to hate.
Still feel the need to hate on The COOL.
Fucking jokes.
[Cancer points out to the crowd, waving his arm to encompass the arena.]
CCJ:
The lot of you.
[BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Edward White:
Show in, and show out... it’s the same song and dance with you boo-collars. Come to think of it, it’s always the same. The same horrible opponent, pitted against the True Champions in some against all odds survival man type of stake.
[Legit cheers take over, bringing a frown to Cancer’s face.]
Edward White: [mockingly]
YEAH! GO FORESHADOWING! THEY ARE THE GREATEST! YEAH! I LOVE THEIR HATS AND SHIRTS! THEY FIT SO WELL, IT’S LIKE THEY’RE HUGGING ME! OOOOHHH, SOOO GOOD.
CCJ: [shaking his head in disgust]
What’s it going to be next week? Huh? A flaming upside down zero-gravity chamber of horrors match?
Edward White: [piping in]
Against the WHOLE roster nonetheless.
CCJ: [being complacent]
Look, I get it. Guys like Eddy White and Cancer Jiles are too rich... too COOL for regular, normal type of shit.
[BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!]
CCJ:
That’s why we’re the Champs, isn’t it you clown faced Mongoloids! Sit the fuck down and shut up!
MAI_GAD~!
I have had enough of this. Hold up newspapers, close your eyes... put in ear plugs.... leave the arena.
[Somewhere, Eric Dane just spit out the usually double-shot of Scotch he drinks when Money COOL are on the mic.]
CCJ:
But to boo? To boo... this?
[Both of the World Champs point at their part of tonight's prize.]
CCJ: [about to crack]
It’s just gettin’ a bit absurd.
Ya know what? Fuck this, and fuck you. Eddy, if they boo me again...
[BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
[BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
[As per, Cancer loses his COOL grasp. Face turning bright red, he finds the youngest child sitting ring side and begins to wildly berate.]
[His Bluetooth was turned off.]
[Thankfully.]
Edward White: [cryptically]
You tell em Cancer.... you tell em good. Tell him those shoes better be done by five. Tell ‘em that I expect to come home to find my dogs walked, my clothes pressed, and my tea steaming with my two lumps of sugar and the blood of virgins, with just a hint of cardamom. Tell all of these stupid, poor, pathetic people that we’re rich, they’re poor. We’re smart, they’re dumb. We’re famous, AND ALL OF YOU ARE NOBODIES!
[A hand extends, motioning to COOL Cancer Jiles. Eddie White shakes his head in disbelief.]
Edward White:
We’re the World Tag Team Champions because we deserve to be. We’re the top of the heap. We’re the greatest, richest, most wonderful people to ever lace up the boots, and no matter what treasures belonging to Joe Strummer, Keith Richards, Abraham Lincoln or Cleopatra that Tom Sawyer could find, we’re gonna be leaving this evening just the way we came in.
[Cancer Jiles straightens, adjusting that title belt around his waist. He smirks, and strokes a hand lovingly over the faceplate.]
CCJ:
The World Champions. The COOLest Champion to ever walk God’s green Earth, and the richest man you losers will EVER be allowed to lay your Food Stamp-using eyes on!
We out!
[CLICK!]
[Light starts strobing.]
[The building vibrates.]
[Dire Straights comes back on.]
[Fans boo and push towards the guardrail.]
[The roof...]
[The once non-retracting roof... yeah, Eddy White made an upgrade.]
[Ladder drop in.]
[Money for Nothing and COOL for Free are carted off in a 007-esque helicopter escape.]
-=-
Cito Conarri:
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Defiance TV! I’m Cito Conarri, alongside Angus Skaaland, and... Angus, even you’ve got to admit that that Aggro Crag is impressive. Because of the massive size of that structure, the FedEx Arena wouldn’t agree to let us put it up and hold the event as planned. But Defiance is, as always, completely devoted to bringing our fans the very best in wrestling action - and so we dusted off the old Pyramid Arena! Less activity means more time afforded to setting up and dismantling the thing...
Angus Skaaland:
It’s - pardon the french - Fucking Awesome. Ceets, you seem to be under the impression that I hate absolutely everything. I do not. I hate the Foreshadowing. But I do not hate the thought of Money for Nothing and COOL for Free throwing him off the top of that thing.
Cito:
You started by talking about the Foreshadowing. Him means Tom Sawyer, I assume?
Angus:
I really hate Tom Sawyer.
Cito:
I know.
[Uncomfortable silence.]
Cito:
SO. How about that non-title match between Heidi Christenson and Xavier Langston?
Angus:
Really hate Tom Sawyer.
Cito:
*sigh* Anyway... for the past two episodes of Defiance TV, we've had a visitor by the name of Rodney Billingsley. This Rodney Billingsley has only offered our fans a series of ludicrous statements and unfulfilled promises. I can't believe that Eric Dane is still allowing him to appear.
Angus:
What are you talking about? I'm starting to love this guy! I'll bet we find out his father was none other than Jumpin' Lee Harvey Oswald himself!
Cito:
I just want some facts or some evidence...he's just wasting everyone's time with this nonsense. He still hasn't even delivered on his promise of a destructive wrestling force. Let's go to the ring, where this Rodney Billingsley character is standing by.
[Bubbly Miss Christie Zane stands before the camera, a smile on her lips. In a pretty, spangly black dress, Christie looks rather nice. But then, she always does. The sparsely used interviewette takes a breath, and gestures with one hand to her right.]
Christie Zane:
I’m here at the locker room for the two-time former World Tag Champs, The Foreshadowing, and I’m gonna see if they have anything to say before the moment we’ve all been waiting for, that Aggro Crag match.
[Christie knocks on the door a few times, before opening said door, completely unwarranted. Both Tom and Lucas were standing, looking at a third man standing before them. All three of the people turn to look at the cameraman and Ms. Zane, who suddenly feels like she’s intruding.]
[The man, a bald, middle-aged fellow, was just taking off his fedora, and stopped in mid movement. Lucas Harper stands in his usual blue-and-white spandex pants, and a blue FORESHADOWING tee-shirt. Tom is still in black trackpants and an UnderArmor tee-shirt, his hair combed out and fluffy.]
Christie Zane:
Oh! Um, I’m sorry, am I intruding?
[Lucas shrugs, as if to say “Yeah, a little bit”. Tom smiles broadly, and beckons Christie inside.]
Tom Sawyer:
You have perfect timing. DEFIANCE fans, I decided that Lucas and I needed a little pep talk before we go out there to meet our destiny. So, I asked Mister John Doman to come and give us a speech.
[Tom brings a hand up, cupping it alongside his mouth.]
Tom Sawyer:
You might recognise him from his performance on the HBO TV series “The Wire”, as well as doing a series of advertisement voiceovers for ESEN. Seeing as he’s a friend of our parent company, he was happy to come down and see the show for free.
[Mister Doman smiles, placing his fedora down on the bench beside him.]
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBLV6RG4TwY][For maximum verisimilitude, a DEFIANCE staffer in the production truck pops on Apocalyptica’s “One” as he begins to speak.][/url]
John Doman:
Whether or not you win this thing, you got to decide how you’re gonna walk out of here when its all said and done.
[A finger reaches out, tapping Tom on the chest just over the heart.]
John Doman:
Because the game is going to go on.
[The camera pans to Lucas Harper. The Sentry’s eyes are locked on Doman’s face, hands clasped together, slowly rolling the tension and stiffness out of his wrists.]
John Doman:
And there’s only one rule you’re going to need to know about.
[The actor turns, slowly pacing left. His eyes turn towards nothingness, unfocusing as he looks off to the wall... Where the arena staff and the Foreshadowing were likely the only ones aware of the fact that he was looking straight out at the Crag.]
John Doman:
There are no second chances.
[He gestures slowly, turning on a central axis to face the Foreshadowing. One hand was extended, and his other hand slapped into the palm of that first hand.]
John Doman:
There is only this moment, and the next one.
[Tom Sawyer grins widely, nudging Lucas in the arm. The Sentry was too focused to look over, but Tom was excited, and this was stirrin’ something in his blood. The kid may have had part of his night wrecked by Xavier Langston, but that wasn’t gonna stick. Not tonight.]
John Doman:
Every one of those moments is a test that you get to take one time, and only one time.
[Harper nods sagely, licking his lips slowly. Eyes narrow, as he looks down. White and Jiles, if they managed to pull it off tonight, they’d never hear the end of it. He had to bring it full-bore against them, or else the Foreshadowing may end up a punchline.]
[John reaches out, grabbing Lucas and Tom by the shoulders, shaking them both firmly. Lucas snaps his gaze up, focusing his eyes on John’s. Tom just beams.]
John Doman:
So if you see an opening, tear into it. If you get a shot at victory, make damn sure you take it. Seize that moment!
[The Sentry nods firmly, slamming one fist into his palm. He intended to do just that. Tom’s fists had finally clenched, the kid starting to quiver with exuberant energy.]
John Doman:
That moment is a crossroads, where everything you want will collide with everything, everyONE standing in your way.
[John spins the two around by their shoulders, facing them towards the door. A beefy pair of hands slap firmly into Tom and Luke’s backs, right between the shoulderblades.]
John Doman:
You got momentum at your back! Fear and doubt are thundering like a freight train straight at you.
[Tom and Luke look square at the camera. The cameraman, suddenly aware of his location, comes closer to the lot of people, stepping to the side of the path through the door once inside the room.]
John Doman:
And all you got, the only difference between making history and being history... The only thing, the only thing you can count on at any given moment is YOU.
[Tom Sawyer. Lucas Harper. The Foreshadowing. Everything they’ve worked for, everything they’ve struggled through, all their experience and history and knowledge and ability. They can’t count on anyone else to save their bacon. It’s up... to them.]
John Doman:
It’s you versus no. You versus can't. You versus next year, last year, statistics, excuses. You versus history. You versus the odds.
[A finger jabs out the door.]
John Doman:
Tonight, it’s you versus second place, boys. The clock is ticking, lets see what you got.
[Lucas Harper, already in his ring gear, eyes wide, blood pumping, pulse wild, energy running through him, storms out the door, heading straight for the arena... Straight for the Aggro Crag.]
[Tom grins, and flashes the camera a thumbs-up, before he jogs out the door, scooping up a bag on the way.]
Tom Sawyer:
Lucas! Wait up!
=-=-=
MAIN EVENT
AGGRO CRAG 2
The arena went dark. The fans inched forward. Everything was dark, everything was quiet.
And then... A quick drum lead-up. A keyboard. Oboes, strings, and all the rest of a full-blown orchestra. There was nothing left to say, nobody else to call. Just four men, the legion of cameramen, and whatever team could make it to the very tippy top of the mightest Mountain to ever serve as a battleground between man and fate.
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNGe7iK1O-4]Ennio Morricone’s “The Ecstacy of Gold”[/url] played, and the Aggro Crag began to light up... Slowly. Little lines of blue lights, pinprick dots, single LEDs began to glow along the base of the Radical Rock. These little lines began to climb their way upward, outlining the Aggro Crag’s boulders and spires, the path, the unforgiving sheer rock walls.
These lines continued to grow, worming their way up the mountain, until they finally reached the top. A woman’s voice chimed in, just as icy blue spotlights hit the mountain, and a chill wind blew. The Aggro Crag stirred, and the entire arena shuddered. Somewhere in the back, every wrestler to ever lace up a pair of boots was watching, from the lowliest Joneses to the mightest Danes, Killers and Boxes.
As the mountain was lit up with more and more lights, a chorus began to grow, the wind whipping the pillars of fog gouting from the mountain into hazy lines and threatening clouds. The Aggro Crag’s very uppermost tip came to life, glowing an unholy, monstrous red. Horns kicked in, as the Aggro Crag rumbled, shook, and began to spout a column of black smoke from it’s peak.
The Aggro Crag.. It was alive! IT WAS ALIVE! AAAAAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE, I TELL YOU!
And it was angry.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE TO YOUR YOUR MAIN EVENT... OF THE EVENING!”
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
“THE WINNERS OF THIS MATCH WILL BE THE FIRST TEAM TO CONQUER THE HEIGHTS OF THE AGGRO CRAG AND HAVE BOTH MEMBERS HIT THE BUTTONS AT THE VERY TOP! THERE MUST! BE! A WINNER!”
The Crag loomed menacingly, awaiting the first victims of the newly rechristened mountain slopes.
“COMING FIRST TO THE RING, THEY ARE TOM SAWYER AND LUCAS HARPER... YOU KNOW ‘EM, YOU LOVE ‘EM... THEY ARE THE FORESHADOWING!”
The lights in the arena went out once more.
The DEFIAtron, mounted before the monstrous slopes, flickered, then came to life. Tom Sawyer stood before the camera, holding the magical little box he had struggled so long for. Lucas stood beside him, casting an appraising eye on the thing. They had fought across the entire world, struggled against armed men, wizards, and kings.
Lucas Harper:
“So... Tom. How do we-”
Tom snapped a finger up, pressing it to Lucas’ lips. His eyes still shut, Tom just made a quiet shushing noise.
Tom Sawyer:
“Just do this.”
Tom took his magical coin, imbued with the might of the Macho one, and slid it into the front of the box. A quick twist, and it was set. Lucas blinked, and slid his coin, the one containing the essence of Ernest A. Smith, the baddest assed Canadian to ever live, into his little box.
Tom Sawyer:
“Flip out the handle.”
Tom and Lucas grasped the boxes by their handles in back, held them up, and pressed the buttons.
The Foreshadowing:
…RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Lightning erupted behind Tom and Lucas, as Tom cried out “MACHO POWER!” and Lucas yelled “CANADIAN POWER!” A burst of light engulfed the two of them, presumably converting them into...
Bolts of lightning struck the stage, flames erupted around the entryway, and sparks flew as the DEFIATron went dark, and the two members of the Foreshadowing, now the Mighty Morphin’ Foreshadowing Rangers, exploded out of a tunnel in the mouth of the Crag, showers of sparks and gouts of red flame roaring to either side of them!
The Macho Ranger and the Denim Ranger landed, striking impressive poses for the crowd as pyrotechnics sparkled and rockin’ gee-tar blared.
Power Ranger Orange: Tom Sawyer, with tassels streaming from his arms, a fancy custom helmet with innate cowboy hat, and “MACHO MADNESS” painted across the visor. Tom grinned through the open mouthpart, and pointed out to the crowd, spinning and slowly moving forward as he did.
Power Ranger Acid-Washed Blue: Lucas Harper, with a mighty Maple Leaf on his chest, a knit Power Helmet on his head, yellow-lensed sunglasses on his nose and blue denim as far as the eye could see. The two slammed their fists together, before walking forward to the edge of the DEF-stage. A pose, as bursts of sparks sprayed out from under them, toward the fans.
FORE-SHADOW-ING! FORE-SHADOW-ING! FORE-SHADOW-ING!
The Foreshadowing Rangers hopped off the stage and rushed to the crowd, where they began to high-five, hug, fist-pound, and otherwise touch the fans reaching out for them. Go Go Foreshadowing Rangers!
”AHEM.”
BWA-DAH-NAH-NAH went the steel guitar. You know the song. [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gWQQHHEz04]He Is The Cool[/url]. The tunnel into the depths of the Aggro Crag was lit up by a single golden spotlight, and out from the back walked Mister Hector Perez, and Mister Nicky Corozzo. Also known as the White Financial Group’s lackeys. Corozzo stopped before the mouth of the Crag’s tunnel, and held his golden scroll out before him.
After unrolling it, Nicky cleared his throat once more.
Nicky Corozzo:
“To whom it may concern...”
Nicky looked over his reading glasses at the Mighty Morphin Foreshadowing Rangers dolefully.
Nicky Corozzo:
“And that means you two. The time for your child’s play, your ridiculous antics, and your silly tomfoolery has ended. It’s time for the True World Tag Team Champions to show just why they are the deserving World Champions, and why you Foreshadowing folks are going to leave here on a stretcher.”
Tom and Lucas looked to one another, both men pounding their fists into their opposing palms. Nicky Corozzo grinned and looked to Mister Perez, before the two White Financial Group members began to storm forward. The Foreshadowing came running up... And the fight was on!
Perez took a brutal double axehandle smash, a spinning backfist, and a leaping roundhouse kick! As Hector stumbled, Tom Sawyer basically ran into a brick wall, a giant of a man who barely felt Tom’s punches. Corozzo grabbed Tom Sawyer by the shoulders, and hauled him into the air, hands fixing around Tom’s neck! Sawyer was hauled off the ground, and choked in the air, his feet kicking frantically! Perez snapped a brutal kick forward into Harper’s groin, and grabbed Lucas in a headlock...
And “Chasing Sheep is best left up to the COOL” began to play. That horrid mash-up of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ rockabilly and Michael Nyman’s classical orchestra. The Aggro Crag rumbled, and golden light poured from the tip of the Aggro Crag.
A platform connected to the ceiling of the Pyramid Arena rose out of the mouth of the volcanic mountain, shedding golden sparkles, blue fog, and dollar bills. Standing upon it, draped in elegant, purple, Kingly robes, their DEFIANCE World Tag Team Championships just barely visible through the robes, were the World Tag Champions... COOL Cancer Jiles. Edward White.
Corozzo hurled Tom Sawyer into the Crag, slamming Tom’s back into a steel girder! Sawyer was tackled to the ground, and Perez quickly latched a chickenwing on one arm, then the other! With the Brute Squad restraining them, the Foreshadowing was forced to watch... And wait.
“Money for Nothing and COOL For Free” descended from the heavens, waving to the crowd and smiling...
“PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR DEFIANCE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS... COOL CANCER JILES, EDWARD WHITE... THEY ARE WEALTHIER THAN YOU, THEY ARE COOLER THAN YOU... THEY ARE MONEY FOR NOTHING, COOL FOR FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
The platform finally landed on the ground, and $$Cool stepped off of it, spreading their arms and looking out into the crowd. Cancer Jiles smirked, Eddie White just waved, grinning ever so softly. A crew of gold-and-black-clad henchman ran out from the back, some with fans waving off White and Jiles, some offering water and towels to their bosses, and some ready to take the capes.
“Money For Nothing and COOL For Free” stood on the entranceway. They spread their arms, allowing the henchmen to pull the finely tailored capes from their backs, revealing... Quite a bit of hardware on each man. They wore funky-looking backpacks, with little control sticks by their sides, and nozzles...
Wait, those weren’t backpacks!
”COOL” Cancer Jiles:
“We’ll see you mongoes at the top!”
White and Jiles fired up their jetpacks, and both men began to lift off the ground! Boos rained down from the entirety of the fans, who were none too pleased with the fact that Cash Cool was gonna skip the whole Crag! Those damned blackhearts, how dare they?!
Sawyer and Harper began to struggle! A knee to Perez’s stomach, a kick to the side of Nicky Corozzo! Hector Perez was forced up, and Harper shoved Hector away...
SUPERKICK! CRACK!
Perez dropped. Harper rushed to Nicky Corozzo, who was fighting as best as he could to keep Tom down, but a spinning back thrust kick to the chest staggered Nicky, a series of elbowshots to the side of the head, a snapping soccer kick to the stomach doubled him over... Tom leapt off a piece of the Crag, and dropped the leg across Corozzo’s neck! THE NATIONAL RAZOR!
RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
THE FORESHADOWING RANGERS WERE FREE TO FIGHT CASH COOL!
Sawyer and Harper rushed forward, pulling out their Power Morphers. Holding them up a second time, the two men aimed the little toys together, and hit the buttons... A burst of brilliant golden light exploded between them, knocking the Foreshadowing backwards! The golden light shot skyward, and even as White and Jiles climbed skyward, they were quickly overtaken! EXPLOSION~!
Blasts of sparks shot from White and Jiles’ jetpacks, and the two men went crashing down together, landing right in the middle of one of the setpiece calderas of the Aggro Crag! Red sparkles and confetti shot out when they landed, and a gout of flame burst out of the open mouth of the volcanic crater! $$Cool were burning in one of the many funeral pyres that the demonic Crag provided!
DING DING DING!
Hector Perez stumbled after Sawyer and Harper, but the Foreshadowing just beat feet onward, rushing through the mouth of the Crag, and into Switchback Alley. A long trail of narrow canyons, falling boulders, and tilting floors. But with White and Jiles busy burning to a crisp, Tom and Lucas had to make up as much headway as possible.
The two men rushed through the randomly shifting floors, Lucas only stumbling the once. With Tom’s help, the two barrelled up the first plane of the path up the Crag, getting to corner numero uno. The Foreshadowing were well on their way to victory!
As the two men rushed up the path, heading for the second of the three switchback corners on the ascending path, a panel on the Crag’s face snapped open, cracking directly into Tom’s face, sending the Macho Ranger tumbling backwards, ass over teakettle! Out from the interior of the Crag stepped Mister Edward White, untying his tie and undoing his cufflinks, none the worse for wear! COOL Cancer Jiles stepped out behind him, hair a mite crisped, a lethal look on his face.
The two slammed the panel shut... And Lucas Harper lashed out with a Power Ranger kick, slamming it into Jiles’ side! The Sultan of Cool took it hard, but was quick to follow Lucas in with a double leg takedown, hauling the Sentry up... And slamming him down! Jiles and Harper traded rights and lefts, Jiles full of righteous fury, Lucas full of Canadian pride!
Eddie White took his sweet time getting his buttonup shirt undone, tossing it down ‘pon the steel-and-stone of the Crag. As Tom Sawyer came to his feet, adjusting his helmet, White took his tie and rushed in, snaking it around Tom’s neck! The Macho Ranger was in trouble, as the Sophisticate began to strangle him! Tom’s legs kicked, his hands clenched at the tie, and Tom struggled...
Jiles hauled off with that COOLTanium-reinforced hand and cracked Lucas right in the earflappy helmet, stunning the Denim Ranger and knocking him flat out on the aisle. With Harper in a foggy daze, Jiles popped to his feet and lunge-kicked Tom Sawyer right in the guts, sending him doubling over, straining against that tie. White cackled, and the two members of Cash Cool grabbed Tom by the back of the head... And cracked his head into the side of the Crag’s path!
With both members of the Foreshadowing down, Jiles and White laid the boots to them, stomping and kicking at both of the Foreshadowing Rangers. Only once they were satisfied, did $$Cool begin to saunter on up the Aggro Crag’s path. Child’s play to disable these punk-ass bitches and move on.
A little tilty floor? Pff. COOL Cancer Jiles walked like a pimp right on through.
A little steam and more tilty floor? Heh. Like that’s gonna break Edward White’s stride.
The two men saunter casually on up through the last of the switchback turns, to the winding path up to Avalanche Peak.
Avalanche Peak? What the hell is Avalanche Peak, Cancer Jiles asked to Eddie White. White simply shrugged, and the two began to walk up the pa-[size=15pt]BOULDERS EVERYWHERE[/size]
Massive chunks of rock bounced down the side of Avalanche Peak, the stone spire shedding the things like simple dandruff! White took a boulder to the skull as he ran, and dropped to both knees, dazed, only for another boulder to smash into his back, pressing him to the ground under its weight!
Cancer Jiles ran, hoping to god he could keep the boulders from crushing his uber-cool bones. A sidestep of one, like a boss. A sidestep of another, natch. Bossplayas don’t let no fukkin’ boulders stop-OHGODBOULDERTOHTEBRAIN~!
Tom and Lucas had managed to pull themselves together, and came rushing up the path, even as the maelstrom of boulders bounced, jounced, and rolled over the path. This would take luck, skill, speed and teamwork. Lucas and Tom slammed gloved fists together in a bro-bump. Good thing they were the...
“FORESHADOWING RANGERS!”, they cried, before rushing through the path. A boulder slammed into Tom’s shoulder, and the kid nearly fell over... But simply bumped into Lucas’ shoulder, who braced himself and helped support Tom!
The two knocked aside some of the boulders, took the impact of some of the rest, and kept running, doing their very damnedest. The ground shook, steam gouted from pitfalls and corners, and the Foreshadowing Rangers stumbled... But didn’t go down. Instead, they just supported one another, bumping against the walls of the path, and shoving the boulders away as best they could.
Jiles and White ended up finding dead zones that the boulders wouldn’t quite impact into, and followed... Slowly. The Foreshadowing Rangers were gaining some headway on $$Cool. The Canucks rushed through the rest of the avalanche area, up the spire of the Avalanche Peak, and to the rope bridge connecting the Peak to the next stage of the Crag...
The Boulder Canyon. A volcanic maelstrom of exploding rocks and blistering heat. Tom and Lucas made their way to the rickety-looking rope bridge, and took a moment. White and Jiles were staggering up the slope towards them, angry looks on their faces as they shoved aside the boulder and came for Tom and Lucas...
Tom gave Lucas a thumbs-up, and began to walk out across the bridge. Lucas cast a look back over his shoulder at White and Jiles...
As Lucas wasn’t looking, Tom walked onto the rope bridge... And three of the four ropes connecting the peak of Avalanche Peak to the Canyon broke away! The bridge snapped away from under Tom, and Lucas looked back just in time to see the kid falling to his certain demise! The Sentry lunged, grabbing onto Tom’s outstretched wrist, and Tom dangled, thanking his lucky stars for Harper’s quick reaction.
As Tom climbed back up, Jiles and White managed to catch up. Tom came up just in time to use the momentum from Lucas’ mighty tug to leap into the air, hitting Eddie White with a cross body block! WRESTLING! YAY!
Jiles and Harper hit one another, quickly falling into the old habit of “right-left-right-left”, and after a quick kick to the balls, Jiles hauled off and Mongo Chopped Lucas directly in the forehead! The Sentry staggered, and Cancer grabbed into the cable, swinging up and snagging onto it with his legs.
COOL Cancer Jiles began to combat-crawl across the cable, leaving both White and the Foreshadowing Rangers behind. Lucas glanced back to Tom, then to Jiles... A snap-kick to White’s stomach knocked the wind out of the Sophisticate, and Lucas snagged that cable, then began to crawl-slide-climb after the Cancerous One!
White was staggered by a frenzy of Sawyer-ite punches, kicks and knees, most of them accompanied by an overdramatic martial arts pose or swing, and it looked like the Wealthy One was in some serious trouble! He teetered on the edge of the platform, arms pinwheeling as it looked like he might fall back onto the back he had just climbed...
Tom hauled off, cocking a fist back...
Eddie White dipped a hand into the waistband of his tights, and pulled out... A handful of gold dust! As Tom came in, White hauled off and hurled that handful of powder directly into Tom’s face, and helmet or no, the kid dropped to his knees, screaming “FUJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!” in agony!
White looked down the rope, to where Cancer Jiles was just dropping off of the cable. Mister Harper was still crawling, so Eddie simply grabbed that rope, and began to shake the fuck out of it! He was shaking it like it were a screaming infant and he was a British nanny named Louise! (Dated references, take THAT modernity!)
Tom Sawyer pawed at his eyes under the helmet, trying to free the gritty golden powder from his tortured eyes. White’s secret weapon had done a number on him. White hauled off and kicked Tom in the chest, sending the Macho Ranger tumbling down the slope behind them! Mister Moneybags grinned, and hopped onto the rope. After a false start, Eddie White began to climb across the chasm, heading straight for where Cancer Jiles was already intercepting the Denim Ranger.
The COOL one tugged Lucas off the cable, and threw him to the ground in the narrow Boulder Canyon, before laying the boots to him, Chunky-style. Lucas fell and covered up, trying to avoid taking too much damage. Jiles grinned and stomp-stomp-stomped, before clearing his throat and spitting on the fallen Ranger!
Eddie White hopped off the cable, landing lightly on his feet. With Lucas still down, White just began to drop powerfully to one knee, slamming a knee into Lucas’ chest! Lucas crumpled, trying to brace himself against White AND Jiles’ assault, but the Sentry was quickly beaten down.
Jiles and White cackled, as they stomped away on Lucas Harper’s chest and head. The Denim Ranger was in serious trouble...
Until the Macho Ranger, sans helmet, stood up on the tip of Avalanche Peak! Tom Sawyer was alive!
rrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
”FORESHADOWING RANGERS!”
White grabbed onto a panel of the Crag itself, and tore it free of its moorings, ripping the chunk of metal free! Lucas took a few whacks with the chunk of metal, until the Denim Ranger managed to force himself to sit up, grabbing onto White’s trunks.
Eddie White hauled off, cracking Lucas directly in the head with the sheet of metal! Lucas wobbled, but didn’t fall! Instead, the Denim Ranger hauled off and punched at White’s stomach! It was weak, but it actually changed White’s expression from total joy, into irritation and frustration! White handed the sheet of metal off to Jiles, who took some dark joy in jabbing the sheetmetal into the back of Lucas’ knee, forcing Lucas to stay down.
“How DARE you keep fighting?!”, White cried, before he hauled off and kicked Lucas in the chest! At the same time, still up on the peak, Tom leapt onto the cable, grabbing on with both hands! He began to slide, heading down the cable!
Eddie White scooped Lucas up, hauling the Denim Ranger onto his shoulders! White balanced for a moment, trying to set up for the Stock Market Drop...
But the only thing dropping was White’s net worth! The Macho Ranger leapt off the cable, slamming into White(and Lucas), sending the Sophisticate crashing backwards! Lucas fell off White’s shoulders, knee shooting forward... TO WHACK THE STEEL PANEL INTO JILES’ FACE! SUPER FORESHADOWING VAN TOMINATOR! THE FIGHT WAS ON!
White and Sawyer traded punches as they both began to stand up, throwing punches and elbows. Tom shot a punch into White’s kidney, then grabbed the back of the Sophisticate’s head, and smacked his head into the Crag’s face! The Denim Ranger was quick to take advantage of his lethal attack on Jiles, stomping and punching and double-axe-handling the COOL one, but Jiles was quick to lash out with a Mongo Chop! Dizzy but determined, Lucas grabbed Jiles by the shoulder, and brought their heads together in a brutal HEADBUTT!
The Foreshadowing Rangers backpedalled, as $$Cool came back together, the two jerkbag moneymen blocking the way for the Foreshadowing’s progress! But their human wall was no match for a Foreshadowing Ranger POWER KICK! The two Rangers leapt forward, Lucas’ right arm linked with Tom’s left, and a bicycle kick powered by their Ranger abilities send White and Jiles sprawling!
RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The crowd erupted as the Rangers rushed past Cash Cool, heading right into the depth of the Boulder Canyon. Tom and Lucas moved fast, wanting to make up as much distance as they could. White and Jiles forced themselves up, holding onto their chests. That kick stung, damnit.
Tom and Lucas rushed ahead, dodging the boulders, sidestepping the poisonous fogs of the Crag. They helped one another leap over a gully, scamper through a tight squeeze, and dive through a fogbank...
But here came White and Jiles, rushing up from behind! White rushed up from behind and grabbed Tom by the tassels, shoving the kid chest-first into a boulder!
KABOOMENSTEIN!
The boulder exploded, sending Tom tumbling away, steaming and smoking!
Lucas turned, directly into a huge Mongo Chop! The Denim Ranger stumbled, and White and Jiles ducked, scooping Lucas up between the two of them... They rushed forward, slamming Lucas into the Crag’s wall, knocking the wind out of the Sentry!
After a double kick to the stomach, White and Jiles hooked Lucas’ arms, and rushed forward... Double armdrag into a boulder!
BOOMSHAKALAKA!
White and Jiles shared a high-five, before they ran out of the narrow canyon of Avalanche Peak. They had escaped, and moved on to the next of the Crag’s challenges...
THE WALL OF DOOOOOOOOM
Edward White and Cancer Jiles stood at the base of the Wall of Doom, both men looking up at the intimidating climbing wall. It was high. It was a long distance to climb. And it was not gonna be fun.
Tom and Lucas were struggling to their feet, winded and battered from the explosions. But, they wouldn’t give up. As White and Jiles began to grab onto the first few handholds, Tom and Lucas forced themselves to their feet! Lucas stumbled, grabbing onto Tom’s shoulder, and Tom gritted his teeth, clenching a fist.
White and Jiles climbed, making sure to go slowly, but surely. After getting ten feet off the ground or so, White pointed. The makers of the Crag weren’t heartless, just... tough. As White and Jiles climbed for the platform set into the Wall of Doom, Tom and Lucas finally managed to shamble over to the base of the Wall.
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