DVD BONUS ALREADY ANNOUNCED! SAY WHAT?!?!?!?
Posted by Lance Warner on 2 Sep 2013
No longer TeeVee contracted, Defiance is finding a way to keep its fans interested.
Earlier today it was leaked that as a part of the Ascension BluRay/DVD Combo pack, a never before seen Press Conference featuring the competitors in the Ladder Match for the Defiance World Heavyweight Title would be a part of the extras.
Well, in an effort to keep people buying the event throughout the week, Defiancewrestling.com has gone ahead and posted the Press Conference in its entirety!
CLICK BELOW TO VIEW THE CHAOS~!
[Five Guys.]
[Not the Burger Place.]
[Five Guys sitting at a long table.]
[One’s a priest. Another is a Jew. The other two are Pollacks, and the last guy.... well, the last guy has a button for a nose and feet for hands. So anyway, the priest asks the Pollacks something along the lines of do you believe in God? The Pollacks say they do, causing the Jew to laugh as if he had won something. In turn, the guy with feet for hands does a handstand, which should really be called a footstand, and walks away.]
[RATHER, Five Guys sitting at a long table that aren’t just your ordinary bunch of regular guys. NO, these Five Guys are looking to accomplish something spectacular with their careers. Looking to ascend past something beyond mortal. Beyond tangible.]
[What are their careers you might ask?]
[Professional. Wrestling.]
[That said, wrestling journalists, Fans~! and General Associates of the Press have gathered upon an auditorium in some hotel located in downtown New Orleans. Their mission, to take in the full spectacle that is the contestants of the Defiance Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match.]
[And, with that said, from left to right those contestants are as follows: Alceo Dentari - the jerk, Kai Scott - the brains, Cancer Jiles - The Cool, Python - the heart, and Edward White - the money.]
[With such a diverse collection of personalities, security for the event is behind, around, and flanked next to the doors and almost everything else inside the room. Thanks to them, it was still a sight to see though. The fact that no riots had been started within the first five minutes of being seated, no fists thrown, no eyes gouged with those Five Guys in such close proximity to one another made the event already noteworthy to begin with.]
[When in Rome.]
[Seating arrangements are optimized for non-confrontation, being most of these men barely want to be in the same room as each other as it is. In fact, Edward White has even gone as far as to pay a suit to sit in between him and Python, some lawyer or something. Also, in an attempt to eliminate even having to look at Cancer Jiles, Ed has brought extra cigars to assure that a smokescreen constantly linger between him and the others.]
[Down at the other end of the table Alceo Dentari is also striking somewhat of a lonesome pose. And that wasn’t just because his usual running buddies were nowhere to be seen, no, he’d also moved his chair about as far away as he could from the man sitting next to him. Truth be told, Dentari didn’t exactly want to sit next to anyone at the table, but he didn’t have much say in the matter either. The only thing in his control was the proximity to his opponents in the upcoming Ladder War, and that was going to be as far the fuck away from the others as humanly possible.]
[At the epicenter of all the madness stays The COOL one, Cancer Jiles. As per, his surfer-blond hair is fashionably pompous, the pair of T-shades he dons are so COOL that they’re capable of deflecting Superman’s Heat Vision, the collar of his shirt is made from fine silk and yes, it points toward the sky.]
[Most importantly though, his Defiance World Heavyweight Championship is neatly on display atop the long table before him. Afterall, it is why everyone has gathered here today, it deserves its own bracket.]
[Whoops!]
[As for The Champ’s demeanor, Count COOL is riding high. He’s gassing it up with some of the press situated around the room, telling them jokes about Ed White’s beard and playing guess the number of telephone books Ace is sitting on. If Cancer was supposed to be nervous about the shark swim taking place the night before the ball, he never got the memo about it.]
[Directly across from Edward White sat Kai Scott. Perhaps the man least likely to visually offend him, or spit tobacco juice on his gazillion dollar suit, or something like that. An empty seat forms a hopefully-but-probably-not sufficient barrier between Scott and Dentari, should fisticuffs happen.]
[Still, arbitrary violence isn’t Scott’s style. As a stablemate of Jeff Andrews and Heidi Christenson, he’s had plenty of experience and practice hanging back and looking relaxed while other people smash things, and he’s hanging back and looking relaxed. Customary silver crutch resting on the table in front of him, a crimson red muscle shirt and a pair of black slacks making up his attire, Scott has that peculiar relaxed aura of a prize fighter just before his pre-match rubdown.]
[Python has momentarily abandoned his seat between the champ and Ed White's stern-faced hired suit. Rocking a pair of black skinny jeans and a Foo Fighters t-shirt under a slim, dark blazer (his semi-formal attire), the young high flyer is spending his pre-conference moments socializing far away from the table of Ladder Warriors. He chats freely with various members of the press, signing an occasional autograph every now and then and even pausing to pose for a cell phone picture with a reporter's son. He's no stranger to spotlight or pressure, and he's as comfortable at this press event as Eugene Dewey at an E3 Conference.]
[A stage manager materializes to do a quick head count. Noting Python's absence, he waves frantically for the superstar to return to the table. Python acknowledges him, shakes a final couple of hands, and heads back to his seat, once again eyeing Ed White's suit buffer with amusement as he passes.]
[Silence comes over all who have gathered.]
[The Press Conference is about to begin.]
[Que the Defiance Suit, because Eric Dane is too busy thinking of ways for someone to submit.]
Defiance Suit:
I’d like to start off by saying thank you to everyone for coming out and joining the world of Defiance tonight. We, at Defiance, are on the eve of Ascension. which is our Pay Per View airing live from the world famous Superdome -- tomorrow night. The Five Guys seated before you will be competing in a Ladder Match for The Defiance World Heavyweight Championship.
With that, I’ll open the floor for questions.
[The Suit walks away, probably never to seen or heard from again.]
Wrestling 411 Reporter:
Hello, I’m Dan Bluehorn of Wrestling411.com, with the loss of Defiance’s television contract, is it safe to assume that this match will be --
Python:
Insane and extremely violent? Can I get a hell yeah, NEW ORLEANS!
Aleco Dentari: [talking over the cheers]
Jeez, that’s how it works is it? You say a city an’ them piss ants out there get all excited? Why don’t you tell ‘em somethin’ worth while? Tell ‘em what they need to hear, not what they want. Tell ‘em every little detail a’ how Alceo Dentari’s gonna be walking outta here with the World Title an’ not just a bunch a lame ass catchphrases designed to suck up to the least educated out there, capiche?
Python:
…Is he right, BIG EAAAAAAAAAASY?
Aleco Dentari: [over more cheering]
Yous goin’ the right way to gettin’ a new pair of concrete shoes. Unless Uncle Pennybags over there wants to shell out for some lead ones. What’s lead going for these days? Is it a wise investment, Fat Stacks?
Cancer Jiles:
Shut it, Oompa Loompa -- Dan Blueballs, was it? Uhhhh, you can pretty much bet on this match being the pinnacle of brutality. I mean, this little Chihuahua over here is as much bite as he is bark, Kai Scott has some stupid smug look on his face all the time with his plotting and ploying, Python is on a steady diet of dynamite and anthrax and the Six Billion Dollar Man over there -- he’s probably planning a trip down to Vietnam to diddle some boys and open a sweat shop.
Edward White: [attempting to keep his composure]
You’re a class act Mr. Jiles, you always have been you know that, don’t --
Cancer Jiles:
Hold up, I wasn’t done Gary Glitter. You take all these four men, throw em in a ring with a ladder and you’ve got a disaster. But like that Picasso or whatever the fuck it was I sneezed on while I was drinking hooch at White’s mansion way back -- it needed something.
It needed the arctic breeze that I have cultivated my entire life.
It needed the “COOL”
This match is no different.
[Edward White sulks in his chair, the suit next to him still a stoic divider.]
Wrasslin Fan:
Kai Scott, what exactly do you have planned for this match?
[The Ace of Heels begins to chuckle to himself, pressing his lips against the microphone]
Cancer Jiles:
He’s going to kill CAL again. Next question.
[Python spits out his water. Kai grins and looks over at The COOL One, sitting next to him.]
Aleco Dentari:
How about yous shut up an’ let the man spin a new little web a’ lies, huh? We knew we needed a goddamn moderator in here.
Kai Scott:
Thank you Mr. Dentari, but there will be no lies here. Cancer, I’m not going to kill the CAL again. When I kill something, it stays DEAD.
[Scott bends his fingers one by one, popping the knuckle joints, as a little ripple passes through the people gathered as he speaks the word ‘dead’.]
Kai Scott:
My plan, as I’ve already said, is beautiful in its simplicity. I am going to win the match in the manner that requires the least amount of physical effort possible. I may be a professional wrestler, but actually wrestling is a sucker’s game.
Python:
Typical. Never a man, always a snake in the grass.
Kai Scott:
And a particularly amusing pun from the man named Python.
[An amused Kai Scott backs away from the microphone on the table while Python rolls his eyes.]
Python:
Let’s face it. Wile E. Kaiyote over here is going to come in with his Acme dynamite and his anvils and his stick-and-box traps. But at the end of the day, we all know he's just gonna blow himself up or run off a cliff, look into the camera, and hold up a little sign that says "ah fuck" before plunging to his apparent death.
[Scott moves to interrupt, but there's no stopping Python when he's on a roll.]
Python:
Actually, this analogy is even more genius than I initially realized. Because even though you disappear and we think you're dead after your plan fails every time, you always just come back on the next episode and do the same shit all over again! And by the way, this is off topic, but I've been waiting for a chance to tell you this in person. I [i]completely[/i] intend to kick you in the nads once per each time you've mentioned Shelly Hollins over the past couple of weeks.
[The Ace of Heels smirks, pleased to see that his old school jabs hadn’t gone unappreciated.]
Python:
Next question, folks.
Large Man:
Dave Wallace, Pro Wrestling Outsider. It’s pretty clear there’s no love lost between the five of you, but if it comes down to it, could any of you see working with anyone else at that table?
[The five men actually shared a laugh and looked around at each other until Alceo Dentari finally leaned forwards.]
Aleco Dentari:
I don’t think there’s any chance a’ that happenin’. See, we all know exactly what’s on the line, an’ we all know what we’d do to get hold a’ it, so I ain’t trustin’ nobody out there but myself. Our champion would eat his own mother’s cooking to save his own skin. Kai Scott… well yous can’t believe a damn word that guys says… Python over there simply ain’t reliable enough, an’ even Edward White couldn’t afford what it would take for me to help him.
Edward White:
You sound mightily confident in that regard, Alceo.
Aleco Dentari:
Yeah? Probably ‘cause I am. I’ve been waitin’ for this match since I stepped foot into DEFIANCE. I know there’s ain’t a number yous could count to that would make me hand you what’s already got my name on it.
[Cancer Jiles scoops up his belt from the table and studies the nameplate carefully.]
Cancer Jiles:
No… This says my name…
[Jiles angles the belt towards the littlest mob boss and runs his finger along said nameplate.]
Cancer Jiles:
See? ‘Cancer Jiles’... right there.
Kai Scott:
I do believe Mr. Dentari was speaking metaphorically.
Python:
I think he’s being a touch presumptuous. Who’s with me in the Crescent City?
Aleco Dentari:
I swear, you do that one more time I’ll climb over this table an’ fit yous for them shoes myself!
[Python merely shoots a cheeky grin down the table at Dentari.]
Edward White:
Can we not have one question that doesn’t devolve into a dick measuring contest?
A voice from the back:
Who’s got the biggest dick?
[Unashamedly, Cancer Jiles’ hand shoots straight into the air as the audience chuckles as one.]
Edward White:
Typical. Always the jester, eh Champ? Always the clown, looking to make a mockery of himself and the Championship? Well, do your best to keep on laughing, because after tomorrow night, you’re going to need something to laugh about.
And you can take that to the bank.
[A obnoxiously confident puff of the cigar.]
Mandatory Hot Blond:
Hey guys, Alice Wonder from Wrestle Star News Group. What’s it like knowing that this match could be your last? The severity of ladder matches, with five people in them no less, usually leads to catastrophe for one, or even two of the people competing.
Python:
I'm not worried, I live for this shit. My body has endured far worse than a ladder at the hands of guys like Cockafeller, Mini Me, Kai Me a River, and Chilly CJ over there. I've fallen from much taller objects -- through sheets of fucking glass and walked out with my fist held high. These guys know they're going to have to kill me to keep me down. So yeah, I’ll go chawp for chawp with the Champ atop the ladder. I’ll double down against Ed White’s made twenty, and I'll even put Kai Scott in checkmate. Besides, it's hard to worry too much about anything down here in THE NO-LOW with all my Saints marching around me, know what I'm sayin'!?
[Dentari shoots up from his chair, points directly at Python, and mutters something all sorts of vulgar in Italian.]
[Also somewhat bedazzled from the snake’s recent remarks, Lord COOL.]
Cancer Jiles:
Hey, kid. Go to bed early tonight. You sound like you need some rest. Nobody goes chawp for chawp against this guy. Nobody. Right Ed?
Edward White:
Hey, chump. Take some of your advice, because I can remember waltzing out of a steel cage at the last one of these. I can remember beating you, soundly, in the middle of the ring.
...kind of.
[Jiles clenches his fist, and pushes the word “bastard” through his stung lips.]
[The Ace of Heels looks at him, rolls his eyes, sighs dramatically and looks at the ceiling.]
Kai Scott:
Is there… any particular reason for me to continue being here? I’ve got things to do. Pawns to move about. Angels to de-wing. All sorts of stuff.
[Some randomass dude stands up.]
Randomass Dude:
Warren Thompson, On Your Smark newsletter. Two questions for Mr. Scott. One, you and Python both keep mentioning a ‘Shelly Hollins’. Who was that?
[Kai Scott looks at Python.]
[Python looks at Kai Scott.]
Scott/Python:
BUAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAAAHAHAHA!!!!!
[Eyebrows belonging to both assembled press and other wrestlers go up.]
Kai Scott:
You could just say she’s… Dextarded.
Python:
*snort*
[Python then remembers that, CAL in-jokes aside, he hates Kai Scott.]
Python:
Back in my CAL days she was buddies with a promoter and I got assigned to team with her. And whatever else you want to say about her, she never broke anyone’s neck in cold blood.
[Scott shrugs.]
Randomass Dude:
Second question. What exactly did you mean when you said to Tom Sawyer, ‘Heidi should not have to bear the sin for your determination to self destruction?’
Kai Scott:
That kid, Sawyer, he was going to end up getting his neck broken sooner or later. And Heidi, troubled though she is, is a better person than most anyone else in this room. Better that I hurt Sawyer before she gets the chance, than that she does it herself and bears that sin for the rest of her life. Say what you want about the webs I weave, the burdens I carry are already heavy. One more will hurt me less than it would any of you.
[Whatever’s going through Cancer Jiles’ mind is hidden behind the shades most COOL, and Edward White smiles inscrutably. Python starts to say something, but Dentari beats him to the punch.]
Aleco Dentari:
Scott, yous oughtta be worried about me kicking your face through the mat, not that Sawyer brat and that thieving cunt Christenson!
[Scott abruptly stands up.]
Kai Scott:
Enough of this. I’ve got things to do.
[And suddenly, the press conference is down to 4.]
Aleco Dentari:
If he’s leaving, so am I.
[And then there were three.]
Edward White:
Yup, have fun with these two.
[And then two.]
Python:
Yeah... well I’m sure you have a bunch of questions to ask the Champ, SEE YA TOMORROW NIGHT NO-LOW!
[And then one.]
Cancer Jiles:
So... yeah.
[The end.]
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