HERI 8 Controversy!
Posted by Elijah Goldman on 23 Jul 2012
Why is the Heritage 8 Semi-Main Event in turmoil?! Why has the DEF Lawyer Squad been warming up? What is the contract dispute in DEFIANCE?
(The ESEN half-hour sports breakdown ends with the last of the college football news. Quick cut to a DEFIANCE logo and the familiar tune of the backround theme music.)
"On HERITAGE 7, Heidi Christenson! Bronson Box! Jeff Andrews! Cancer Jiles! Christian Light! Edward White! Claira St. Sure! Obsidian! The biggest eight-man tag main event that we never advertised!"
(Flash after flash of wrestler's face after wrestler's face.)
"And on HERITAGE 8... Heidi Christenson and Jeff Andrews, wrestling in the same company, at the same time!"
("More Human than Human" began to play, as clip after clip of The Untouchables in their prime began to zip by. Tag titles, World titles, big wins and the rest. Slow fade-out on Heidi and Jeff, standing side-by-side.)
"Untouchables Vs..."
("Money for Nothing" by Dire Straights. The shot of Heidi and Jeffro standing together gets all wobbly, then cuts to piles of cash and stacks of golden coins. A stack of gold falls over, cascading beautiful currency everywhere.)
"I want my..."
(Cut to the man in the sunglasses. Blonde flat-top. Grin. Eggs.)
"COOL Cancer Jiles."
"I want my..."
(Cut to the Most Moneymaking Man, in the tuxedo and tails. Grinning, bearded, worth more than you'll ever make, thumbs tucked into the lapels of his suit jacket.)
"I want my MTV..."
"'The Socialite' Edward White."
(The song cuts to The Guitar Solo, showing some highlights of White and Jiles. World Titles, tag titles, big wins, Mongo chops, the whole shebang.)
"Money for Nothing and COOL For Free."
(Slow fade-out on Cancer and Edward.)
"On HERITAGE 8, only o-"
vrrrrrrt
(All the music cuts out with a record scratch sound. Fade in on Elijah Goldman, sitting behind an expensive-looking ESEN-logo covered desk, in a very fine suit. He looks like a weasel dressed up in a ambulance chaser Halloween costume.)
"No, Mister Advertising Voice-Over. There will be no dramatic Untouchables reunion on HERITAGE 8."
(Smarmy grin.)
"To see the best pro wrestling, you always want to watch DEFIANCE's Evolution League. To see Alceo Dentari, you watch EVO. To see Jonny Booya, you watch EVO. To see Yoshikazu YAZ, you watch EVO. To see Pete Whealdon, you watch EVO."
"And seeing as Heidi Christenson was signed to an EVO contract before she was fired from DEFIANCE..."
(Goldman gives a knowing, sage nod and smile. Sure, he had been the one to fire her, but...)
"I'll skip the legal-speak, but upon Heidi's re-debut in this company, her old contract immediately goes back into effect. And thus, I own Heidi Christenson in DEFIANCE."
"Until I no longer work for DEFIANCE Wrestling, I own Heidi. Until Heidi has wrestled on three hundred, eighty-eight more televised wrestling cards, I own Heidi. Until 2050, I own Heidi. Whichever one of those happens first, THEN you'll get to reunite with your little boyfriend and be Untouchable, Heidi."
"And now, I get to reap the spoils. I've done the focus groups. I've tested the market. I know Heidi Christenson can make money, and now I get to reap the spoils. All the little girls who look up to their hero. All the little boys lusting after her. Everyone who buys Heidi t-shirts and has CAL tattooes... To see Heidi Christenson, you watch EVO. "
"To those who want to see chaos and destruction and wastes of money, go ahead and follow Bronson Box to HERITAGE. Right up until he gets HERITAGE shut down again for assaulting someone else who can sue."
"And then, EVOLUTION will prove itself the superior wrestling product and the superior direction of DEFIANCE."
(Elijah Goldman grinned brightly.)
"Good luck in your tag team match, Jeff. Contractually, You may not use Heidi. Jonny has seen the light, and will not work with you. And as for Kai, I doubt you could even pull him out of his hospital bed. Good luck finding a partner. Maybe you can sucker Danny Vicious into One More Run."
"Oh, and Heidi? You work for me. If you want to wrestle in this country, in this company, you do as I say, when I say. You will attend every autograph signing, every used car lot opening, every highschool girls' soccer team's dinner that will pay me more than it costs me to pay you."
"Or else you can go back into retirement, and not dare even lace them up on the continent of North America. Unless... of course, you're doing it to win me ratings points, merchandising money, and to help win this whole little game for me."
"We're playing for keeps, Conarri. I'm playing for keeps, Dane."
(The video cuts back to the commercial. As "Money for Nothing" fades back in, midway through a guitar solo, synth in the backround.)
(Jeff Andrews stands alone in his yellow and green. Heidi's stuck on EVO. And Heritage would be missing one Untouchable.)
"The Untouchables, untenable. Money for Nothing and COOL for Free in full power."
"Can Jeff Andrews find a tag partner? Will HERITAGE 8 be headlined by Jeff Andrews versus Cancer Jiles and Edward White? FIND OUT LIVE, ONLY ON ESEN!"
(Crash to HERI-TV Logo. You know you love it.)
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