Hello to all of you, who are reading this. I would like to take this opportunity to introduce myself to DEFIANCE, which is a wrestling company that I just signed a contract for that likes to yell at people based on all of the capital letters in its name. I have often been told that screaming at people shows a lack of manners, however, if this is your custom I will be happy to assimilate my ways to your own.

DEFIANCE!!!!!!!!!

That felt natural.

Also, I would like to say right up front that even though I have done odd jobs for the wrestler Dan Ryan in the past, we are not friends and he is not my mentor, and also he seems dumb. Plus Texas sucks. But don’t tell him I said that because he is big, and not like Tom Hanks in a movie, I mean he is a giant person with muscles and anger problems. Anyway, fuck that guy.

There are several things that I am known for. One of those things is my unbelievable career in Classic wrestling where I won six out of my eleven matches, a record that no one has been able to beat and if you don’t believe me you can go fuck yourself. I’m allowed to say that. You can look it up.

Also, I am known for being an innovator in the wrestling ring. I have created a move so deadly, so dangerous, so likely to turn your knees into melted butter that it has been banned in at least four counties in Western Oregon and also Central Florida, although I am currently involved in litigation against Ron DeSantis over the Florida thing. This move which will dazzle your eyes, entertain your brain, and also mesmerize your face, is called a ‘figure four leg lock’. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking ‘How can a number perform a wrestling move?’. The trick is that I do not use numbers, rather, I use my own hands and feet. It is a technique I learned and mastered while studying professional wrestling with the great masters, and by great masters I mean a VHS copy of ‘Dorf Goes Wrestling’ that I found while rummaging around the items at an estate sale.

I have trademarked the move with the United States Office of Naming Wrestling Moves, so if you try to steal it from me, you will lose your sense of smell, get a tingling in your groin that won’t go away, and probably get bad breath. That’s the law.

Another thing I am known for is having the name Scott. This name was invented by my mom back in a vague time period that seemed a lot like the mid-90s because I distinctly remember Pearl Jam being played in the delivery room. If you saw anyone else named Scott just know that I was the first Scott and if another Scott says that he is the first Scott he will have to answer to my mom and also that person should be ashamed of themselves, unless he pays me money then we’re cool.

I do want to tell you all a little about myself from a personal standpoint. I was born in a small village on the coast of Florida called ‘Miami’. Back in the 80s, it was known for brightly colored shirts and rolled-up sleeves on jackets, a style which later inspired the hit TV show All in the Family, I’m pretty sure. As a small child, I studied Tae Kwan Do and Nerf gun fighting, but do not bring that up because it is a sensitive topic. Later I went to school and did very well with my studies, able to complete my education all the way up through the entire eight years. That is when they made me leave due to the jealousy of the other students and also because I was twenty-one years old. But I was able to legally buy beer for my 8th-grade dance after-party, so all in all, I consider that a win.

A few years later I was introduced to a man named Michael Unlikable and he was very impressed with both my physical stature and also said that I ‘look like a usable idiot’, whatever that means. I think it’s a compliment though. I heard ‘usable’ and that seems good. That was when my professional wrestling career truly began.

Now before I go, I want to make sure that we establish some ground rules. First of all, I call dibs on training montages and musical expositions when performing on DEFIANCE (!!!) television shows. If you try and use music to transition from one spot to another I will fight you and also punch the ones you love. I don’t want to, but I swore an oath. Don’t ask. Secondly, if I have a match with you, I require you to fight hard but ultimately lose. This one is non-negotiable. If you break this rule, I will turn you in to the police, who are very serious about contract law, especially in Florida. If we are out of Florida at the time I guess I will have to live with it. BUT I WON’T BE HAPPY!! So don’t break that one. Finally, I will soon be walking the same halls that the rest of you walk. So, if you see me walking by, and the tears are in my eyes, look away. Baby, look away. And if we meet on the street someday and I don’t know what to say, look away. Baby, look away. Don’t look at me. I don’t want you to see me this way. Those are song lyrics that I wrote but also obey them.

Well, that is just about all there is to tell you about me. I have been thinking I will be giving a review of the DEFIANCE roster soon because I have many ideas and thoughts and I was told you all want to hear them so thank you in advance. If you have any complaints about anything you have read here today, please send them to LTroy@beavernuggets.com and I will respond to them in the order they are received. Don’t worry about the name in the email address. That is a name I made up to remain anonymous even though I just told you what it is so keep your damn mouth shut.

Thanks. Bye.

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