There’s an obvious green screen background of the Eiffel Tower shining brightly in the stock photo of the Parisian sky. Next to the photo on the bottom right, in the tri-colors of the French Flag, is the logo of The French Connection. In the right foreground is Raiden, wearing a black tank top that reads “Cause of Concussions” in French colors, over his long black trunks. To the left is “The New Flying Frenchman” Jean-Pierre Reeves. He’s wearing his beret with his tacky French-themed bejeweled jacket with gold epaulettes and a red tail, shirtless underneath with the same matching trunks as his partner/cousin Raiden. He’s also clutching a miniature French flag that he is waving around. As he speaks, it is clear he has absolutely zero French accent whatsoever.

Jean-Pierre Reeves:
Bonjour, mon amis! I would like to take you back in time to a date that ranks among the worst in history. That day was July 4, 1803 — the day when the great French ruler Napoleon Bonaparte made the decision to sell Louisiana to the American government! Because this state was at one point truly French, home to spectacular food, language and culture! But now, this state — especially the community of Westwego and the surrounding communities of Jefferson Parish — is the bottom feeder of the globe! Culture? Fah! The only thing this giant, swampy wasteland offers the world are vomit-filled bachelor parties on Bourbon Street and reruns of NCIS: New Orleans starring Mikey Unlikely -- who cheated us out of a well-deserved victory at DEFCON! 

Reeves makes a disdainful face, with Raiden holding his sneer.

Jean-Pierre Reeves:
But another date looms — one that will change the lives of those of you who live in Westwego and the surrounding trailer park communities of Jefferson Parish smart enough to attend! That day is Thursday, May 2, at the John A. Alario Sr. Event Center at 2000 Segnet Boulevard, Westwego! Because on that date, The French Connection will grace yourselves with our presence as we look to not just dominate the competition, but to show you so-called people exactly what it means to be French and  to live with what you lack — literacy, dignity and self-respect!

There are more scoffs.

Jean-Pierre Reeves:
We will not just wow you with our dizzying array of maneuvers — me, the young master of 1,000 suplays and my partner, the King of Concussions — on Thursday, May 2, at the John A. Alario Sr. Event Center in Westwego! We will provide you with an education on the literature of Victor Hugo, the thespian mastery of Gerard Depardieu and the basketball skills of my protege Victor Wembeyamba! For on Thursday, May 2, doors opening at 7, you people can finally learn French the proper way — our way! And, perhaps, through the inspiration that our personal French lesson provides you with will lead you to conduct your own personal Louisiana Purchase, by purchasing a Greyhound bus ticket and bettering your lives by moving to literally anywhere else! But before you do, make you see us -- The Criterion Collection of Tag Team Wrestling -- on Thursday, May 2, at the John A. Alario St. Event Center, 2000 Segnet Boulevard, in Westwego!

Reeves waves the flag as Raiden steps forward, pure rage and intensity in his eyes.

Raiden:
I need no weapons. My fists are sledgehammers and my feet are scythes. Scan the QR code below to purchase your ticket so you can see me hit another man in the skull so hard that I cause his brain to bleed and him to lose knowledge of the identity of his loved ones -- including the names of his children! Speaking of which, kids under the age of 5 are free! Thursday! May 2! 7 pm doortime! John A. Alario Sr. Event Center! 2000 Segnet Boulevard! Westwego! Kids under the age of 5 are free! I want your children to see me fracture another man’s skull! 

Jean-Pierre Reeves:
Vive Le France! 

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