[Shades.]

[Boof.]

[Up.]

Cancer Jiles:
The Untouchables.

Each member brings a certain intangible to the table.

Jeff Andrews is surly like a wolf.

Heidi Christenson is such the lauded technician that she even has a certified license framed up in her dojo.

[Indeed, there’s no doubting her ability to manipulate a tool.]

Cancer Jiles:
Ronnie Long has a shovel. He’s not afraid to use it. He also likes the taste of glass and rusted-over Cheerios.(rumored)

Kai Scott is Kai Scott. Nuff said.

More so than any other of that jazz, the four of them combined have more wrestling experience than any other four combined wrestlers on the Defiance roster. That’s not to say the Defiance roster doesn’t run deep, but to say that this Untouchable bunch is one scary group of pipe-hitters.

[Huh. Cancer Jiles... being modest... he must still have dirt in his brain. Also, it’s a good thing he’s wrestled against every single one of them before. Ya know, to help counteract a sliver of that tremendous XP advantage the Untouchables hold over everyone.]

[FYI, Lord COOL has been battling tooth and nail against Jeff Andrews since the very first run of Defiance. He’s gone to the wire against Heidi in numerous clusterfuck matches with all sorts of titles on the line. He’s even helped Ronnie Long win a World Championship.]

[I know, what in the holy-fuck was going on way back then in order for that last one to have happened??? Musssssssssssssst have been sssssome sssssssssssssssssssscary timessssssssssssssss.]

[ANNNNNNNNNNNNND, Commander COOL faces Kai Scott on DEF33.]

[....]

[Okay, so three out of the four Untouchables have been touched. Chances are though, Cancer and Kai have crossed paths before and it’s just that my notes have bong water and egg yolk on them.]

[Mai badd.]

Cancer Jiles:
Scary as they might be, fear not. The Count of COOL is more than familiar with the tenacious bunch that started running together many moons ago. Both individually, and collectively speaking that is. I know to play it by the ropes when I’m in there against Catwoman. I know it takes a little less than a match and a bucket of gasoline to set Jeff off on a blinding rampage. I know how deep Ronnie’s shovel can cut, and that Kai Scott has eyes in the back of his head.

[He might not act like it.]

[He might not seem like it.]

[But Cancer knows.]

Cancer Jiles:
Besides, even if I didn’t know the beat of an Untouchable drum-- there’s always the MAIN EVENT against Ronnie Long on the first ever Retaliation to become acquainted. Then, there’s the reuniting of $$COOL, when we ride into the Armadillo National Center with dollar bills and blunts blazing to face The Untouchables in Trios action on the next edition Defiance TV.

For. The. Titles.

[Shameless transition plug.]

[Oh, and by dollar bills, The Count means hundreds.]

[BOOM.]

Cancer Jiles:
Not to sound like I’m getting ahead of myself-- I’m really looking forward to Retribution and the first ever MAIN EVENT.

[The match will no doubt be on the Rise and Fall of Defiance 4 DVD.]

[That’s some real special shit.]

Cancer Jiles:
And of course, looking forward to saying hello, Ron. Even after all of these years, I still remember you. I remember you using your shovel to destroy Vasquito, and in doing so robbing me of my chance to win the Defiance Title.

[Truth.]

Cancer Jiles:
GAWD DAMN did it all happen sooooo long ago. It’s hard to remember the specifics, but if I can remember correctly... it was a chance I had earned.... hmmmmmm, what was it again? Was it, outsmarting your pig-shit-pal Jeff Andrews at the Defiance Rumble?

[The illegitimate son of Jay Hawkins waits for an answer that does not come. That is, unless you want to count the gaping shitgrin he’s sporting as a resounding yes.]

Cancer Jiles:
Don’t worry about it Ronald, I’m not mad at ya. Shit, I could barely remember how it all came to pass. Ya see, I know you’re just a cog on the Andrews pin-wheel. I know you’re there to shovel his shit, get him beers and dig a hole when needed. You, and more importantly your actions are not to blame, it’s the person ordering those actions that is to blame.

[That would be Jeff Andrews if you’re struggling to follow along.]

Cancer Jiles:
You’re just a pawn to be moved about on the board, waiting to be sacrificed for the good of the whole. A nobody, whose only accomplishment in life was handed to him by me. That said, I’m POSITIVE your shovel played an integral part in my burial and unfortunately for you my little Ronbon, that is something I just can NOT forgive.

[Checkmate, Ronbon.]

Cancer Jiles:
I know. I just said you’re a lackey and therefore can not be held accountable for one’s actions. However, buried alive falls into the forever fucked category which you and the rest of your GAWT YOLKED pals are now a part of.

[Sucks to be them. Imagine... to live under the threat of constant egging. What a nightmare!]

Cancer Jiles: [contemplating]
... yeah,  I’m really going to enjoy chawping your face in half, Ron. In fact, let me show you how I use MY shovel to split a person’s wig like an eggshell.

[Emphatically, and with exacting precision-- Cancer raises and then thrusts his titanium reinforced hand downward, cutting the air around him and creating a gust of wind that brushes back his stuccoed hair. His facial expression while completing said act would lead one to believe that he’s not joking around about the eggshell bit either.]

Cancer Jiles:
Just like how you did it to Vasquez, Ron.

[About to fade.]

Cancer Jiles: [popping]
YOU DON’T GET UP.

[Blacknesses.]

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