[Ze High Chief of COOL.]

[Scratch that.]

[A heavily bandaged, deflated and defeated Cancer Jiles.]

[Up.]

“I dunno even know what to say.”

[And by up, I don’t mean standing. Rather, Cancer’s sitting, sloppily slouched over from a shocked asshole and an agonizing knife wound to the back.]

“You put yourself out there...”

[Bewildered, the Philly native shakes his head with severe gingerity.]

“Then.”

[The confusion covering Jiles’ face is astounding. Never before has it been so evident that the Lord of COOL is at a loss for words.]

“...........................................I don’t get it. “

[Needless to say, the past few go arounds haven’t been on the up and up for Sir Jiles of COOL fame. With getting Untouchable Bombed on the regular, Bronson Box finger-painting in shades of crimson, and OH BY THE WAY Edward White foreclosing on their partnership, it should really come as no surprise as to why The Count is... as stagnant as he is.]

“I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life. I’ve spat on the poor, lived with them and then stole their exchangeable recyclables for a nickel bag of dirt. I’ve mocked religion, race and morals as if it were the cool thing to do. I’ve left plenty a woman scorned, and walked out on more bar tabs than Allen Iverson.”

[All true.]

“Maybe this is my punishment for living the COOL life I’ve chosen. Maybe this is Zeus’ way of telling me he’s taking back the reigns atop COOLYMPUS.”

[The Count cringes at the thought. He’s not a big fan of the God of Thunder-- something to do with his hair and the fact he’s like ten feet tall.]

“Shame I still have unfinished business to tend to, or else I might just let him.”

[Cancer disengages his T-shades and stares into a Sophisticated soul.]

“Edward White.”

“You were my brother.”

“You were my friend in a place where all I have is enemies.”

“I trusted in you.”

“HA.”

[All Cancer can do is chuckle at the levity of his current situation.]

“I must have pinched myself a thousand times that night. I couldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t believe it. You... never. Never in a thousand years would you do what you did.”

[You should see his arms. They are covered in black and blue marks. So much so, Cancer looks like a battered wife, more so than a wrestler who has been put through the ringer.]

[Bitch jokes welcome.]

“But it’s true. You walked away, and now... until the rest of time, you’ll be left to wondering. Is today the day? Is today the day Cancer Jiles wipes egg on my face? Because that day is coming. Might be tomorrow, when you’re looking over the Wall Street Journal from the comforts of your flotilla. Might be at the next show, when you’re defending the title you love to deprive everyone of. Might be when we’re both old men, and you’re about to go under for the deep freeze.”

[Walt Disney style.]

“Rest assured, my old friend, it’s coming. Remember, I know you better than anyone else does. Your routine, where all your safe houses are and even the pilot to your helicopter. You have nowhere to hide from me.”

“Nowhere is safe for you now, Edward.”

[Not even Nowhere, Oklahoma.]

“I hope you’re happy.”

[To be clear, Cancer is not.]

[Not about anything.]

“As if getting left for dead by the Unlunchables wasn’t bad enough.”

[His anguish getting the best of him, King COOL whispers the following through his teeth.]

“FuckingbeardedBennyArnoldmotherfucker.”

[Taking a second for himself, Cancer does his best to block out the throbbing pain growing from his forehead.]

“Truth is, had I known then what I know now, I’d have stayed underground. I’d rather have slept for the rest of eternity than deal with this feeling in my stomach.”

[That feeling Cancer speaks of isn’t the anxiety of being alone, but the burning rage that now dwells from within.]

“To think, you now share the same fate as Jeff Andrews. Prior to Thirty-Three, I’d never have placed a bet on that. I actually would have bet everything I own on the complete opposite.”

[Wouldn’t be the first time Cancer Jiles had nothing besides the shades on his face.]

[Just saying.]

“Good thing they sell eggs by the dozen.”

“Well, for me that is.”

[Down.]

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