Remember.

Remember.

The... twenty-seventh of January?

Okay.

So, it doesn’t rhyme.

However, I believe the point to be made

Go fuck yourself.

----

[No boof today.]

[Well, not the one you’ve become accustomed to anyway.]

[Instead of bedsheets and ferns and loogies going wildly adrift!! Cancer Jiles, amongst no cloud of illegal smoke, finds himself sitting in a studio-- primed and primped for a radio spot about a certain publicized forthcoming autograph signing.]

[In other words, Lord COOL is going to get asked how he feels about signing autographs.]

[Should be classic.]

[Before we get to that however, let us take in some scenery.]

[Count COOL is leaning back in a folding chair-- no different from the one you would see a wrestler obliterate another wrestler’s face with. He is using a special headset as to not mess up his ever so scrupulous hairdo, and of course, he is shaded and collar-popped to the nines.]

[The studio itself is small, and seems even smaller with Jiles’ jawline in it. Various pictures, posters and Fatheads of Pittsburgh sports celebrities adorn the walls. These range from Sidney Crosby to Terry Bradshaw.]

[The host of the daytime show, a one David Blackson, aka The Best on air Emperor of 2010 and 2011, sits across from Jiles, with all of the normal radio shit you’d find in a typical studio setting  being situated between them. The middle-aged caucasian radio personality, who is no taller than Bronson Box, is known for his hardcore attitude and has the tendency to make little to no sense whatsoever.]

[It should be noted that Blackson hinted earlier in the week that he was going to punk Jiles and try to prove that he’s not that man he appears to be.]

[It is also rumored that Edward White had “fattened them pockets” to make this happen.]

Blackson: [after coming back from sponsors]
... Well, loyal listeners, my guest has finally arrived. At this time, I’d like to introduce Defiance Wrestling Superstar, The God of COOLYMPUS, Cancer Jiles!

[Cued applause is played, which brings a slight grin upon Cancer’s face.]

Cancer Jiles:
Thanks for having me, Dave. I can’t think of any other place I’d rather be than right here, in the great city of Pittsburgh.

[Jiles, a Philadelphia native, grinds his teeth but swallows the pill anyway.]

Blackson:
Well, we’re glad to have you here and also glad to be hosting the upcoming Pay Per View, Untouchable, that you guys will be putting on.

[The host shuffles through his notes, hastily looking for the show date of Untouchable.]

Blackson:
.... 

Cancer Jiles:
Again, many thanks. Though, I don’t think Steel City Memorial is too happy about it.

[The two false chuckle.]

Blackson:
Indeed, I was looking over the card and from what I can tell, there’s going to be a lot of bodies stacking up on that fateful evening.

Cancer Jiles:
You got that right, Dave. They are going to be dealing with some serious injuries to people who have more than enough money to afford them.

[A second or two of dead air for omnimity.]

Blackson:
I assume you’re talking about Edward White, your former friend and Forbes richest man ever to have lived and will have ever lived?

Cancer Jiles:
Gee Dave, you’re well informed.

[Blackson copies Jiles’ facial expression, and cracks a sly smile.]

Blackson:
You don’t get to be the 2010 and 2011 Best Emperor of the Airwaves without a little due dilligaf. Plus, I’m always on time to work, I’ve never been two minutes late for my eighteen minute radio show with fourteen minutes worth of commercials.

Cancer Jiles:
You’re a beacon of hope, Dave. I think all radio hosts should be more like you.

Blackson:
A compliment, HOW nice?

Cancer Jiles:
I’m COOL like that.

[And incredibly stoned.]

Blackson:
Indeed you are. Well, Cancer, the actual reason you’re year today is to promote a Fan Fair being held here in Pittsburgh a few days before the big event. Why don’t you tell me and the listeners a little more about that?

Cancer Jiles:
Well, Dave. On April 13th, myself and a dozen other Defiant and Proud Superstars are gathering at the Arkham Gift Shoppe to give back to those who support what it is that we do.

[Yeah, one comic reference deserves another.]

Blackson:
If what you say is true, and the Fan Fair is an opportunity to give back... wouldn’t that fall into realm of charity, and therefore be... well, free?

[Sensing a tone shift, Jiles perks up from his slouched position to a more defensive one.]

Cancer Jiles:
They support what we do, Dave. Hence, them supporting us by paying for pictures and stories and what not.

Blackson:
Still, a hundred bucks for something I can take on my iPhone is a little steep, don’t you think?

Cancer Jiles:
Think of it this way, Dave. They aren’t paying for themselves. Their ticket is already on the arm. In essence, they pay so that the next person... in the next city... so that THEY have the chance to experience what it is the fans here in Pittsburgh are experiencing.

That euphoria that comes with standing next to Christian Light, and basking in his generous aura.

...shooting slack jaw with Sam Turner Jr.

...getting shaken down by Ace.

...seeing these sunglasses in person.

They pay, so that others like them down the road get to enjoy in all of the fun that comes with standing next to the greatest wrestlers on the planet.

[Smug with his response, Jiles slouches back and lowers his shields to fifty percent.]

Blackson:
That, and I heard Jeff Andrews pays most of you guys slave wages. I’m sure there’s some sort of kickback involved with merchandise sales.

Cancer Jiles:
Again, you are well informed, Mr. Blackson. So much so, I’m starting to wonder where it is you get all your information from.

Blackson:
You don’t get to be the 2010 and 2011 Best Emperor of the Airwaves without a little due dilligaf. Plus, I’m always on time to work, I’ve never been two minutes late for my eighteen minute radio show with fourteen minutes worth of commercials.

Cancer Jiles:
You said that already, Dave. Like, you said exactly that.

Blackson:
That’s HOW I do things, Mr. Jiles.

Cancer Jiles:
Apparently.

Blackson:
I’ve just noticed we only have a few more minutes before we have to break for commercial number nine. That said, I wanted to ask you, how does signing all of these autographs and taking pictures with Defiance fans make you feel?

[Being a quasi-smart man... well, one who knows how to choose his words wisely... sometimes, Jiles takes a moment to gather his response.]

Cancer Jiles:
Let me put it to you this way, I now look forward to them.

Blackson:
Care to explain?

Cancer Jiles:
You see, Dave, you’re lucky enough to not have walked a mile in my shoes. You haven’t done the things I’ve done, or said the things I’ve said. For me to be accepted, after all of the eggs, racial slurs and hijinx...

...the way I see it, doing these fan oriented things is a privilege.

Blackson:
As much as I want to believe that this is all true, like I said...

You don’t get to be the 2010 and 2011 Best Emperor of the Airwaves without a little due dilligaf. Plus, I’m always on time to work, I’ve never been two minutes late for my eighteen minute radio show with fourteen minutes worth of commercials.

That said, I’ve seen the tapes. I’ve seen you egging and berating children because they wore the wrong Cancer Jiles t-shirt. I’ve seen you cheat your way to ninety percent of your victories. I’ve seen what it means to be COOL, and frankly, I have a hard time buying into the fact that Cancer Jiles has turned over a new leaf.

[Deadpan, Jiles lowers his shades and gazes at the radio host as if he had just stepped on his brand new shoes.]

[White ones.]

[That cost a lot of money.]

Cancer Jiles:
Dave.

Do I have Nicky Corzo written across my forehead?

[There is no response.]

Cancer Jiles:
Pretty sure I don’t.

[That was Cancer’s way of saying the jig is up.]

[I said before King COOL was a quasi-smart man, and being such, he has scouted David Blackson’s unoriginal routine. He knows of his plotting, and even knows who has funded such tumultuous endeavors.]

[When you are COOL, like Cancer is, being a few steps ahead comes with the territory.]

Cancer Jiles:
It’s okay, Dave. I know your intentions. It’s why I’m here.

[The host, sweating to go to commercial, sits there, awaiting his fateful judgement.]

Cancer Jiles:
You think I’m hiding from the man I once was. You think, I’m wearing a mask to conceal the devil inside. Facts are facts, Dave. I am Cancer Jiles. Always have been. Always will be. There is no running from my bridge burning past. I do not deny the fact I’ve wronged more than I’ve done right.

...but...

...turns out there’s even a light at the end of the tunnel for a guy like me.

[The Count removes his headset, seeing that the show is about to break for some lame Budweiser frog commercial about who the fuck cares.]

Cancer Jiles: [off air]
I’ll see you at the Fan Fair, Dave.

Have your money ready.

[end.]

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