Title: Carefully and gracefully
Featuring: Dan Ryan
Date: 4/12/13
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
FADE IN.
Behind a wooden desk in a penthouse suite in downtown Pittsburgh, Dan Ryan is sitting and ruffling through some paperwork and getting over a particularly disheartening Clair-Ane St. Parksure promo.
Dan sighs, looking wistfully out the window. In the distance a lonesome owl can be heard. Below on the street, an urchin begs for more. Druids walk through the room, melancholy and holding purple flame candles.
What does it all mean?
No one knows.
Folson Prison Blues is in the air. Dan ain't seen the sunshine since he don't know when.
Claira St. Sure's latest promotional video made him sad, that's what it means.
He sets the papers down and everything else just disappears.
DAN RYAN: "Eh..."
"You know, Claira, after listening to Diane talk the last week or so and you not so much as offering a peep on what your thoughts might be going into this match, I was really starting to wonder if, by not allowing you to speak, Diane was using you to your full potential."
"After listening to you just now, I realize she was."
"Truth is, as simple-minded as I find Diane Parker to be, I find you to be half as intelligent and twice as vapid. Your approach is very interesting to me. You've gone from....
to.....
"You went from conquering shieldmaiden to prescripted high school drama class text regurgitation, like you couldn't decide which line Diane should have and which one you should have, in a matter of days. Are you a shapeshifter, Claira?? WHAT FORM WILL YOU TAKE NEXT, I WONDER?!"
"What I do know is that talking to the two of you is like talking in an endless circle, one where you pass your opponent only to eventually lap them and come upon them from behind again, forced to do the same thing over and over and over until you either develop a deep desire to stab a puppy or else stop in your tracks and refuse to be part of it any longer. I'm afraid, Claira that in lieu of harming my neighbor's sharpei, I'm gonna have to put an end to this."
"If I thought your debate skills were worth a damn, sweetie, I'd recommend you to the local debate club, but unfortunately you argue points with the skill of a pre-medication mongoloid with an overdeveloped tongue and an underdeveloped brain. I realize mongoloids are often freakishly strong, so I'm ready to concede the 'I'm bigger than you' point and move on to skill."
"You have the hearing comprehension of toast, so let me explain further."
"I have skill."
"Damn if I didn't get straight to the point, eh Claira?? See how deftly I avoided unnecessary exposition and got right down to brass tacks? You rolled through the Heritage League, so by all means I know you're skilled as well right? Forgive me if I'm wrong but didn't the people who run this company even get tired of the Heritage League and the Evolution League halfway through it? I was supposed to give a shit about that? Because that was most certainly not in my contract. I was biding time waiting for the real wrestling to begin. I don't keep doing this to play patty-cake with Yoshiaki Yaz-phooey or whatever the fuck his name is. Of course, you fail to mention that during my reign of boredom I pinned then-World Champion Heidi Christiensen's shoulders cleanly to the mat as well, but that doesn't help your point, does it?"
"I'm just an honest guy, really, hon."
"I know most people want to hear about how excited I was to be part of all those bullshit lower card matches and how, like a trooper, I waited for my chance to shine. The truth is, I walked away because I was bored with it. The greatest company in the world was boring me. And I respect DEFIANCE. I respect that they quickly realized what a collossal failure that format was and came back to real professional wrestling. That's why I'm here now. That's why I'm winning, and that's why I'm standing across the ring from you this week."
"Here's some news for you, so take notes..."
"Everyone loses matches."
"Novel idea, right? Everyone loses. The best in the world lose matches. Just like we all scream for ice cream, you'll lose, I'll lose, we'll all lose. What separates the everyday competitor with the greatest to lace 'em up is the ability to create moments and win when it really matters. You talk about that loss to Cobra. Am I supposed to be upset? It wasn't my first loss, wasn't my last, but nobody other than insignificant greenhorns like you give a damn anyway, because I turn right around out of losses like that and headline main events against Troy Windham, against Blaine Hollywood, against Castor Strife. I go from losing to Cobra in the first round of The Ultratitle to main eventing a show against the Ultratitle winner."
"DO YOU KNOW WHY??"
"No, you don't. And that, my dear, is the difference between you and me."
"When I won my first major World Championship, it was in the company that was the pinnacle of professional wrestling for fifteen years. It was the flagship of the wrestling universe, so when I look at you and see a girl so myopic in her wordview that she says shit that just don't make no sense.... forgive me if I see through your words like used Neutrogena."
"Games, dear -- chess or otherwise, mean NOTHING to me. I don't take notice of them. You do. You sit up at night wondering what to do, who to side with, what your next move will be, who is a pawn of what. You wonder out loud about all of these decision you need to make. You go to bed thinking about them, thinking you'll have some clarity if you can just sleep on it."
"I confound games and rules. I know, based on a lifetime of experience, that when you keep on coming, keep on fighting, refuse to give up no matter how many times you get knocked down, ultimately there's no game in the world that can stop you. Forgive me if I look at your three years and one secondary belt and don't take it as proof that you know more about how to succeed in this business than I do. Your words don't mean a DAMN THING, Claira, because YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."
"The days of you playing kindergarten-level 'neener-needer' insult games with half-wits and nobodies is over. This is the real deal, and I'm sorry, but you're just not ready for it yet."
"Sleep on that."
FADE OUT.