Each and every day it gets harder to think.

Back when Jeff first asked me to come to Defiance, one of my biggest worries was my fans.

What would they think?

What would they think about me wrestling in a place like Defiance?

What would they think about the things I’d have to do to make it in Defiance?

I spent almost my entire life as a hero… not as a heroine; I preferred to think I’d surpassed gender lines.  And back then, my fans let me think it.  I guess they agreed with me.

What would they think of me now?

That voice gets quieter every single day.

The one that gets louder is the one that looked at Kelly Evans writhing and screaming at my feet, and wonders how much louder she’d scream if I broke the other one too.

Or if the leg would be louder.

Or maybe if a couple fingers broke, she’d beg entertainingly for it all to stop.  

Then somebody tells me I’m going too far, and I can’t tell…

Can’t tell whether it’s Jeff, or it’s Kai, or it’s what’s left of my conscience…

And then as soon as I can’t figure it out, I don’t care anymore.

I look at those three pieces of fluff I’m about to get to wrestle, and I wonder whether they’d scream louder than Kelly…

“Claira already beat you once, you know.”

I didn’t care.

I told Kai Scott exactly that.

Then I told him if he was worried about me hurting one of his girls, he better tell them not to show up, because I would do every horrible thing I could think of to them.

He didn’t really answer that.

Directly.

“Where’s Jeff?”

Like I gave a damn.

I hadn’t seen him since the day after Untouchable.  He was packing a suitcase, and I didn’t ask him why.

Not like he could’ve stopped me from doing anything I wanted to anyway.

But I resented the implication.

If Jeff wanted a say on anything he could kick Ronnie’s useless ass to the sidelines and be part of the team.

I didn’t say it out loud, though.  Kai hadn’t done anything to earn the right of hearing me say words.

“Heidi, listen to me.”

I tried really hard not to, but I couldn’t think of anything to think about, and so I heard him.

“If you try to injure any of the Brujas, Claira’s going to consider it fair game to try and hurt you back.  And in case you’ve forgotten, she’s the only person who’s been able to get hold of your knee since Gemma.”

That fucking Kai.

I don’t know if he mentioned my old arch enemy to get me angry at him or not.

The funny thing is, part of me did get angry.  

It was that part that kept telling me I was going too far.

We don’t need her, I reminded myself.

I’ve got Tom Sawyer for that.  

And he screams louder.

Then I thought, to hell with Tres Brujas.

I just remembered I have better things to do.

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