[Recently, Angus Skaaland had the opportunity to sit down inside of a closed studio setting with the new Defiance World Champion, Cancer Jiles. Between all of the smiles, laughter, crying and heart attacks, he managed to ask The Crown Prince of COOL a few questions.]

[Some of them were recorded.]

Angus: [with a look of genuine concern]
How ya feeling, Champ? Is there anything I can get ya? They’ve been feeding me Xanax for the past three hours hoping I’d calm down some. So, if ya want--

Cancer Jiles: [politely interrupting]
--No thanks, Ang. I’ve had my fair share of scripts over the past week and a half. Not to mention,  I’m in a quasi-detox dash system purge mode following 420.

Or, in this case, 420 and 421.

But, that’s a story for a different time.

[Angus’ eyes brighten like 1000 watt lightbulbs, and his cheeks explode in a vibrant shade of rosy red. When he watches this interview again, because rest assured he will watch it again, he will excitedly scream out -- I CAN NOT BELIEVE HE JUST CALLED ME ANG!!!! -- like a child who is opening their number one gift on Christmas morning.]

[And yes, he will rewind and playback the fuck out of it.]

[Maybe even in slow motion.]

[Just for shits and gigs.]

[To his credit, he is interviewing the DEFIANCE WORLD CHAMPION.]

Cancer Jiles:
To your question though, I’m feeling pretty good. The swelling around and about my entire body is all but gone. The stitches have been removed from my forehead-- the doc said I’ll have a scar, but luckily for me I have an impeccably incredible hairline

His words.

[Angus nods in vigorous agreement.]

Cancer Jiles:
I’ve even rejuvenated the COOLtanium in my hand.

Angus:
OH THANK GAWD!! I heard a rumor about a stress fracture and thought maybe your hand had fallen off. Granted, my suspicions were quelled once you floated on in here and I laid my eyes on you.

But, still...

...I’m glad to know it is fine.

[Quickly, Angus dives into his pocket and sends out a pre-planned mass text to literally every contact in his phone. The message reads: Hand is fine. Thank the Lord. Go fuck yourselves.]

Angus:
Before we get to you dethroning Andrews and in one night righting all of the wrongs he levied  against Defiance, lets talk a little bit about that amazingly awesome cage match against Edward White.

Cancer Jiles: [candidly]
I’ve been in all sorts of spectacle death matches before, Ang... never one like that cage match  though.

It truly was something else.

Angus:
I’ve seen a lot of things in this business, Champ. Broken this. Dead that. I’ve even seen a dude’s eyeball get popped the fucked out of its socket like it was a spring loaded toy.

[The Count of COOL smiles widely while remembering how the wind felt running through his hair on that fateful evening he debuted the PHOE-FIFTEE Mongo Chawp.]

Angus:
But... man.

That cage match was some sort of bloodfest.

Cancer Jiles:
No doubt I’ll be carrying it around with me for quite a while... maybe even the rest of time.

[Cancer points to the inch long scar on his otherwise blemish free face.]

Angus:
HEY, JUST LIKE YOUR NEW WORLD TITLE!!

[Fist pound ego boost montage.]

[Multiple angles.]

Angus:
Now, allow me to preface this next question by saying the following first. I’ve NEVER seen something like this happen before. EVER. Keebler’s jaw almost broke it dropped to the floor that fast when it happened...

What was going through your mind when the cage wall collapsed?

What were you thinking about as you plummeted to the outside?

[The Count takes a moment to remember.]

Cancer Jiles:
Thinking?

Ang, I was a billion miles away from anywhere close to resembling a coherent zombie when that shitass cage decided to fall apart. I was bleeding out... my life force was throbbing like it had been ran over by a forklift.

Hair.

Ruined.

Shades........... nowhere in sight.

I wasn’t thinking about anything.

I couldn’t.

The only thing there was... was pain.

... and then how to block it out and somehow finish a wrestling match turned horribly wrong  against Edward White.

Angus:
Brutal.

Cancer Jiles:
Plus, I went dark for a few seconds when we hit the floor. So, there is a chance I could just be misremembering the whole thing and later when I’m vomiting in the bathroom from post  concussion syndrome it all comes back to me.

For now though, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

[Angus nods accordingly.]

Angus:
Any thoughts on how or why it happened? The collapse of the cage that is?

Cancer Jiles:
I’d be a fool to think Eddy White wasn’t the MAIN reason behind the cage’s undoing. Knowing him, and the depths that he’s capable of sinking to, he probably paid the ring crew a hundred grand to forget a bolt or had his own cage swapped in last second.

Angus:
He’s a grimey motherfucker that Edward White.

Cancer Jiles:
You ain’t kidding.

Angus:
However, in the end it was you who laughed last. Tell me. ALL ABOUT THAT ENTIRE MOMENT.

Cancer Jiles:
Well, after being thwarted by Fast Eddy and The Gang and then hearing that blabbering Scot mouth off while I laid in the center of the ring as a failure... I thought to myself that maybe this was it -- this is how Cancer Jiles floats off atop a raft of fire into the darkest part of the abyss.

[Angus looks on in horror, as if just the thought of a world without COOL is enough to give him another heart attack.]

Cancer Jiles:
I crawled my way to the back and there I was, contemplating the end, laying on a trainers table with some medic attempting to reattach my forehead for the sixth time. I had been watching what I could of the main event via eight inch monitor, and as it concluded... the shot jumped to Edward White, beaten and bloodied standing out on the entrance ramp.

Now, if he was out there saying the things he was saying... bet your fucking ass I better be out there doing the same.

Angus:
Cancer Jiles does not get one up’d by Edward White twice in the same night!!

Cancer Jiles:
You got that right, Ang.

Defying the explainable I stood up from what could have possibly been my careers final resting place and shrugged off medical attention as if it were a hindrance. With each step I took towards my enemies. Towards the truth.

Slowly, it all started to fade away.

The pain.
The stabbing.
The throbbing.
The burning.
The pins and needles.
The remorse.

The doubt.

In their place, an overwhelming sense of pride... and duty.

[Angus is in sheer and utter awe of The Conquistador of COOL.]

Angus:
...

Please.

Continue.

Cancer Jiles:
Now, I was just as surprised as everyone else was when Dane decided to up and make an impromptu World Title match. For all intents and purposes, I was out there because Eddy was, and I wanted to do a better job than him and further hammer home the fact that Jeff Andrews is a Surly Sue and not worthy of the throne in which he sit.

Then.

Boom.

I looked over at White, he wasn’t flinching. His game face was back on and he started making his way down to the ring. I thought to myself, gee I better do the same before opportunity passes me by. Before I knew it, the jig was a full on go. It was Andrews versus Jiles. The World Title. With Edward White as the monkey wrench and Eric Dane as the master of ceremonies.

... and lumberjacks by the handful to try and make sure that the shenanigans were held at a minimum.

Angus:
So, you go on to superkick Andrews square in the face. Then, you cave in his skull with what all critics say is the most devastating finishing move this side of the solar system. The Onlystar counts the three. The places explodes like a toddler taking a shit in a diaper for the very first time. You’re standing there, being handed the Defiance World Championship. I have seven heart attacks...

What about then?

What were you thinking about?

Cancer Jiles:
This, I do remember.

First thing I thought was, man I hope I don’t have a boner right now. I was having trouble feeling various parts of my body due to the torture it had been put it through and I couldn’t tell without having to look.

Quick check and all systems were a go.

Elated, the euphoria of the moment started to set it and take over every ounce of my being. So much so, I didn’t really know what to do, what to say, how to act...  if the whole thing was real or if I was still back on the trainers table just dreaming about it.

Then, a moment of pure clarity when Dane handed me the title.

I thought...

Finally.

Finally.

FINALLY.

Defiance is free.

[Angus wells up.]

Angus:
Hate to sound cliche, but spoken like a true champion.

[Cancer shines, as does the title around his waist.]

Cancer Jiles:
Then, Dane wanted a handshake and being the BAWS I figured I’d oblige. He leaned in to say something to me, I couldn’t make it out though because of all the ringside madness that was going on.

I think it was something like... throw eggs.

I dunno. I could be wrong.

Angus:
I’d like to think he was congratulating you... but I know him too well.

[LAWL.]

Cancer Jiles:
Yeah, me too.

After that...... well, yeah. I was World Champion so it didn’t really matter what happened next. I had defeated my arch nemesis at his showcase event. I had saved the federation from the clutches of that backstabbing pig, Edward White. I captured the prize that has eluded my grasp for all to long.

I was on top, even if by the end of it I was laying on my back.

Angus:
Lord Champion of COOL and Defiance.

Simply put.

It was fucking awesome.

Thank you for some of the COOLEST memories I’ll ever have.

Cancer Jiles:
No, thank you Angus. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.

Angus:
OKAY! Picture TIEM!!

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