The Cotton Pony

A couple hundred miles from Baltimore is a landing helicopter. The chopper approaches the small parking lot of what looks to be a small brick church. The new brick building is hidden well deep in the hills of Virginia.  In the approaching helicopter sits Chance Von Crank and his newly hired Lawyer and business partner, Matt Bishop.

cVc: What is this place, dude? I think I can see Harlan from here nothing but trees all around. What are we doing here, Bishop?

Bishop: I told you all these places pay good money.

cVc: You still did not answer my question.

Bishop: This is kinda like a church…

cVc: “Kinda?” I just don’t like the way you say that. Exactly what the fuck am I walking into here?

The helicopter touches down in the parking lot. The pastor of the church who made this appearance deal with Bishop, Pastor Charlie Bob walks toward the helicopter as the blades begin to slow. Chance and Bishop step off the helicopter as they dust themselves off making sure they’re suits look just right and not wrinkled. Chance’s suit is crushed purple velvet with a bright orange tie. The Pastor invites them inside the building. He shuts the door behind them and turns quickly to the two men.

Pastor Charlie Bob: So have you explained to him how important this is?

Bishop: He has been on the road wrestling and I have not had the chance to explain exactly what he is doing here.

cVc: If this is some kind of cult bullshit I am whipping everyone’s ass. That’s the last thing I need right now with Sam killing his own baby.

Bishop: Shh we don’t know anything about that remember, Chance?

cVc: Right.

Pastor Charlie Bob: Okay this year we only had seven show, praise the lord.

cVc: Seven what exactly? People? Hookers? What the fuck is this about you crazy old bastard?

Bishop: Okay look, Chance this is a gay camp.

cVc: What the fuck? What is that? Do they do gay shit in there and I have to talk about it? What kind of fucking lawyer are you, asshole?

Chance continues to cuss as he turns and pushes the door open attempting to exit.

Bishop: It pays 1,000 bucks for this appearance.

Chance stops pushing the door open hearing this.

Pastor Charlie Bob: This is no such thing as a gay camp. We have to have these meetings in secret now thanks to Exodius International folded. This is what you would call a Anti-Gay Camp. Even though the powers that use to fund us folded we still believe you can unlearn gay.

cVc: Ha, and they say I am crazy. I want to speak with them alone because it’s the only real way to save them. Look here’s the deal I believe I can show them the way. I want that thousand dollars after I talk alone with my lawyer, alright?

Pastor Charlie Bob: Sounds good.      

The Pastor walks into the room where the seven teenagers await the arrival of Chance Von Crank. Chance makes sure no one can hear before he talks to Bishop.

cVc: This is fucking perfect. You got that smart phone on you?

Bishop: Yeah, why?

cVc: I am about to cut the promo of my lifetime. Anti-Gay camp? I’m the Trailer Park Prodigy and these kids are not ready for what’s about to happen. You record me on that phone because I want the whole world to see this.

Chance bursts through the doors with Bishop in pursuit. They enter to find what resembles a church with a small stage in front of 40 folding chairs. Scattered throughout the crowd of seats are seven teenagers. The Pastor is on the stage as Chance walks right by because he notices a redheaded female on the front row.  Chance approaches the redhead with her cleavage showing proud. This well endowed female got his attention immediately. He looks at her and then back at the Pastor. He points at her and begins shouting at the Pastor.

cVc: How is this big tittied bitch here, a queer?

Pastor Charlie Bob: Mr. Crank please watch your language. The proper term is lesbian.

Chance whispers a question about her age as he gives a sly grin. She whispers, “19, next month”. Chance jumps up on the stage as Bishop remains in the corner filming with his phone.

Pastor Charlie Bob: Mr. Crank is our paid speaker for today. He is a professional wrestler and is here to speak out against the disease running through your body, a problem in your mind that makes you think you are attracted to the same sex. We have seven people here today ready to testify.

The Pastor begins to point at the teens naming them off.

Pastor Charlie Bob: Tony, Joe, Chad, Bubba Jo, Taylor, Jesse and Penny over there you already met.

Chance smiles at them and blows a kiss at Penny. He looks over at them smirking almost at them as the Pastor makes his way out of the church. Chance waits till he hears the front door slam before he begins. He takes the microphone off the stand and swings the cord around as he looks out at the teenagers.

cVc: I know for a fact everyone of you boys are faggots for not trying to titty fuck this redhead.

Chance winks at her as she begins to blush and look away.

cVc: I just don’t understand why you would come to a church when it plainly says that god hates you in the bible. I bet all your dads are so ashamed that you get on your knees and accept a dick into your mouth. What a shame look at you. I mean did he say your name was Bubba Jo? No wonder...

Bubba Jo: Why yes, it is Shock N Rolla.

cVc: Hold up, you queers know who I am? I figured you were watching Vampire Diaries sticking hot curling irons up your asses. Whatever it is you people do in private, its fucking nasty.  

Jesse: Have you met Cancer Jiles?!?

cVc: Met him? I have wrestled him in other companies. That pot smoking eGG bandit motherfucker is the World Champion.  I see him all the time shining at the top while I sell tickets doing shit just like this week in and week out. He is just that to My business, a cancer. I am sure you queers just love Dan Ryan too, Mr. Midcard. He doesn’t work well with others is the word in the back. The Prince of the Pull Out is coming after that belt soon enough, Ryan. I would much rather have that COOL fuckers strap but ill settle for Ryan’s. I’m coming… These shit heads in the SoHer Division are more suited for him than the big time, like Me.  Ha.

Jesse: So you have a belt too?

cVc: Are you kidding me? I am the Southern Heritage Champion of Defiance! I am the best thing going.  People far and wide want my action figures. Gimme a amen if you hear me faggots!

Crowd: Amen!

cVc: That’s right from one end of the world straight across to the fucking other, cVc is WORLD WIDE! People know my name where the shit runs in the water thick! Even a queer could appreciate this robe, check out my new snake skin wrestling boots. All you motherfuckers jealous.  I see a lot of queer eyes eyeing this straight guy. I bring it every fucking night at what I do. I am Main Event Status, not a moment too soon. A big name is needed at the top and The Trailer Park Prodigy has brought big signs down with the weight of just three of his initials. Sawyer comes off as a lame fucking version of something people use to like. This motherfucker is all over every show doing shit that isn’t any good. Wasting the people’s time while they cut out the Trailer Park Prodigy chants during that shit you call a work.  Kai Scott and Box will just hold me back attempting to get more tv time. Business has picked up here lately but not in either of those two’s names that is for sure. Put on some guy liner Box cause first chance I get in that match, you’re fucked.  I will get the win, not any of you so called bad guys. You have the ultimate super villian on your team now but not even Judas can cut a throat like me. There are so many people in this match I will soon leap frog.

Chance stops and looks out on the teenagers who can’t believe the language of the man before them. Bubba Jo is now crying but the redhead loves it.

cVc: I just made you all apart of wrestling history. This will live on forever as the moment Chance Von Crank accepted his destiny in the Main Event and fucking took over. Are any of you still gay? If so, who gives a shit? I do not, and to be honest no one really does anymore. People who will tie you to a fence post and murder you are going to do it anyway. I seen a dude murder a baby last week, this week I’m making even more money. Stop being pussies and own up to what you are in this world.  Faggots.

Chance jumps off the stage slicking back his mullet as he walks up to the redhead, Penny.

cVc: As for you, I think I can however fix you.

Penny: Oh Yeah?

cVc:  Yeah, I’m going to fuck the carpet muncher out of you, let’s go.

Chance, Penny and Bishop all head for the exit. The remaining six male teenagers are all bothered after hearing cVc speak. One is rocking back and forth as they are all disturbed by his words as the scene fades to black.

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