[The lights are on.]

[The camera is rolling.]

[In the background hangs a brand spanking new, blood-red Defiance banner with white lettering.]

[Shit is dope.]

[In the cornerground, a plastic fern with a few roaches in its pot-- and I’m not talking about the bug kind either.]

stoner.

[In the foreground, with the baby-blonde hair looking runway L’oreal ready... with the jet-black shades on a full mirrored T... with the collar popped upwards to the sky, and the imported Kohls silk fully unbuttoned.]

[Most notably though, with his Defiance World Heavyweight Championship firmly strapped around the waist.]

[Count. COOL.]

“You better be prepared if you want to fuck with me.”

“KAI.”

[For those not in the know, Kai Scott pimp slapped Count COOL at the end of the most latest and greatest episode of Defiance TeeVee. The end result, Cancer forgot who he was for a couple of hours. All in all, not good. However, The Champion of Defiance mushes on.]

“For the record, I’m not the guy who takes being but on queer street too kindly. You should know. I mean, all ya gots to do is ask your buddy Jeff what happens when someone sticks their big Mongo nose into MAI business.”

[The appropriate flexed-thumb to chest jabbing ensues. It is of a vehement nature.]

[And then a breath.]

“That is of course, if you can find him.”

“Try looking under those gigantic pet rocks you have called Untouchable and Failure.”

[The Count’s grin grows wide. His teeth are pearly, as if he had just had work done.]

“If Jeff’s not home to quiver with though, you can try asking one of your teammates for this upcoming show.”

[Suspenseful pause.]

[OMG WHO WILL IT BE!!?!?!]

“A one, Monsignor Box for instance.”

“That crazy fuck should have no problem informing you why crossing streams with King COOL is bad EYEdea.”

[Slyly, The Crown Prince of COOL raises his shades and covers his one eye. Then, he uses his exposed eye to shoot whoever’s listening a wink. Yes, he’s a sumovabitch like that.]

“Just do me a favor, if Baldy McBaldabox uses the word hindsight when doing so -- laugh in his face for me. Be warned, he tends to throw temper tantrums when that happens.”

[See: the number of slaves Bronson Box has waiting to serve him in hell.]

[372.]

“On second thought, forget that warning. He likes it when people bend down and lean over to laugh in his face.”

[A trustful thumbs up, accompanied by the smile of car salesman.]

‘Ya know, Kai. You could always ask another teammate if Bronson is too busy shining his head and saying his prayers.”

[You’d think Cancer meant shining his head to be taken... well, literally. Indeed, it works that way because Bronson is bald. Yet, when Cancer said it, he was making a jerking off motion.]

[Either way, FTW.]

“Try asking my old pal Eddy White what happens when your eyes are bigger than your wallet, or in your case, Kai... stomach. I’m sure he’ll weave a nice tale of lies and deceit for you -- tell ya the stock market was down a few points when it happened... or that his beard was really itching him that day.”

“Again, do me a solid and laugh in his face for me. He won’t mind. He’s been wearing the yellow  joke suit quite fine these days.”

[All of Edward White’s suits are tailored. Any suit he would wear would fit him quite fine.]

[Stupid Cancer.] 

“Then again... if Eddy’s down at the bank counting his pennies, you could always throw on that hazmat suit you wore to Senior Prom and ask the other two goons making up Team Loser what happens when dealing with Cancer Jiles.”

[cricket.]

[DRW.]

“Yeah... you know what? Just stick to asking Jeff, Eddy, and Boxy. They know from a Defiant first hand. Their word would carry more clout than a retarded tennis pro and a sixth cousin to Jeff Andrews.”

“You know, cause Von and Surly Sue have one of those, same mom, different brother family trees.”

[An inbred shudder runs down the Count’s spine.]

“Anyway.”

“Where was I?”

[Taking a moment, Cancer catches back up to himself.]

“Right. I was telling you to ask around, Kai. On the off chance that you actually do, great. Remember to laugh in so and so’s face for me.”

“If not... and you dare to choose the hard way of doing things... The Jeff way. The Bronson way.  The Edward way. Well, my COOLtanium plated hand thanks you.”

[Cut.]

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