Title: Your Semi-Charmed Kind of Life
Featuring: Troy Windham
Date: 01/21/22
Location: A backstage area by the dumpsters

(CUT TO: Troy Windham stands alone in a backstage area near some dumpsters as janitors walk by emptying bags of trash into it. He is wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses, his frosted hair a mess, a Ramones T-Shirt, and a big angry pout on his face.)

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

This is not how my debut was supposed to unfold! This is not how any of this should have gone down! This is SIMPLY NOT RIGHT!

Let's examine why!

For those of you who somehow do not know who I am -- my name is Troy Windham. I am, quite frankly, the biggest star in the history of professional wrestling. I am a man with a legend so great and a legacy so cemented that I, in fact, have transcended professional wresting into stardon in what is known as "the real world."

As in: How many other wrestlers on this planet are the co-stars of Cocktail: The TV Series, which is an adaptation of the smash hit 1980s movie about the world of bartending, and is an exclusive on Paramount App, and is in-fact the 11th most streamed show on said streaming platform? How many other wrestlers have within the past three years made guest appearances on CBS's hit show Blue Bloods, where I played a defiant-yet-corrupt district attorney, or NCIS: Los Angeles, where I played a Libyan assasin, and two programs also available on the Paramount Streaming App? 

And I am also a noted philantrhopist and am in fact the chairperson of the Justice for Eddie Love Campaign, my former partner-in-crime and a man wrongly alleged by the feds of tax evasion from the Indian Casino he was an owner of and a man whose body has never been found despite his boat crashing on Lake Havasu when he was attempting to escape the law.

So when I got the itch to come back to professional wrestling, I spoke with the Defiance brass. And I stated that I wanted to make a grand entrance befitting a man of my caliber in both the bedroom and the ring. I said I wanted to make the greatest entrance mankind has ever seen -- handgliders and trained animals. But I was told 'no,' we just want you to make an entrance, because we don't want you to overshadown everyone else beyond what you will already do.

Then I stated that before I entered that match, I needed some accomodations to achieve optimal Troy Windham performance capabilities. I desired and wanted cucumber water, a pedicure artist, and four hours of time in a dark room where I could access the mindfulness sessions on the Calm App, of which I was asked to be an early stage invetor. But I was told that, instead, I should just sorta show up and hang out by the garbage dumpsters here so no one would see I was here. 

Because of those facts alone, I should not have been forced into wrestling as I was not ready to perform. I am exploring all of my options going forward, which may include litigation so this... this loss in my Defiant debut gets erased from my permanent record.  But rest assured to those of you in the Defiance locker room, as well as those of you at home...


Because I am Troy Windham. I am THE EPITOME -- no... I AM THE PARAMOUNT! Do you see what I did there? I'm on four televsion shows on the Paramount App, because I forgot about my appearance How I Met Your Mother when I worked with Ted. I am the top of the top, the 1% of the 1%... and I am here to complete your semi-charmed kind of life! 


More Propaganda | View Troy Windham's Biography



"Look at the size of this freakin' house. That's right. As Joe the Plumber alluded to, I have a bazillion homes, each at least two hundred square miles in area. This is one such home. Remember that part of the book of Revelation in the Bible when John gave the dimensions of the city in heaven and described it in miles of length, the walls in miles of height and so on? It might as well have been a studio apartment compared to this. My home has mile markers. That's what I'm sayin', here. I'm not FROM Texas. Texas is inside my house. It's that big. Right now, I'm sitting on a couch in one of two-hundred fifty living areas in this one house alone. Just outside the window is my swimming pool, the Gulf of Mexico. I pay thirty Mexicans to lift my dick for me when I pee."

- Dan Ryan




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