[Python's face appears across the entirety of the screen.  He leans comfortably back in his seat and away from his laptop's webcam to reveal that he's shooting in his apartment.]  

Python:

So I jump online last night to watch Chance von Crank's promo, and this video pops up of a guy in a flashy purple robe with a Ron Jeremy mustache and he's got a snake in one hand and a knife in the other and I'm like WHAT THE FUCK GAY ANIMAL VIOLENCE FETISH PORN DID I JUST CLICK ON BY ACCIDENT!? When I realized that I actually had, in fact, found his promo video, I sat back in my chair, cracked a beer, and said something along the lines of "well... alright then." Nothing more, nothing less. That's right, I was able to sit through that entire offputting, freaky display of stupid without so much as batting an eyelash. And do you know why that is, Mr. von Crank?

It's because there are dozens and dozens and dozens of pieces of shit like you in this sport, and I've made a career out of kicking their faces in. Granted, you're the first one to name yourself like a supervillain from a 60's cartoon,  dress like a wizard pimp, and kill an animal on video. So what do you want from all of that, respect? Do you want me to be impressed? Intimidated? Do you want me to think you're special? Sometimes it feels like I've been wrestling the same obnoxious, ignorant, incapable asshole for the past ten years and he just keeps coming back in different disguises with different names and different ways to be crazy. As far as I'm concerned, you're no different than the rest. If you really want my attention, Trailer Park Trash, you're going to have to earn it the hard way. In the ring.

[The young highflyer sweeps a hand back through his messy hair and leans forward in his seat. The Defiance logo on his black and red t-shirt suddenly seems to emphasize his words.]

Python:

And, about that snake. Dude... really? Not fucking cool. I mean, I get it. I know. My name is Python, you killed a Python and ate it, hah hah. Well. I'm obviously not an actual snake, I have arms and legs, I'm going to use them  very soon to whoop your ass twice in one night. But as long as we're playing this game... you call me a snake, I call you a piece of shit. I could've just as easily filmed myself taking a dump and flushing it down the toilet, and... bam! Chance von Crank School of Intimidating Metaphors. Graduated with honors.

[Python grins]

Python:

So listen up, Simon bar Sinister. I know you don't care to hear about my past and the career I've already had, but there's a damn good reason I've had it. There's also a reason why this battle royal is, so far, the biggest match of your career. Now don't get me wrong, this match is going to be insane and the talent is through the roof, and I'm going to bust my ass to get my hands on that Southern Heritage title. But if this is the pinnacle of your time as a professional wrestler, it means you've got a long, long way to go, sport. You are currently the North Korea of Defiance. You talk nasty, you flex a little, you threaten the world with some scary stuff. And you feel good about it, nice and confident. And in the mean time, the rest of the world is like "who the fuck is this guy and why does he not realize he's surrounded by people who can swat him like a bug?"  

[Python haphazardly swings his arm as if he is brushing away an insect.]

Python:

I've done some great things in my career so far, and I'm proud of them. You say you don't care what I "was". The bad news for you is... I'm twenty fucking four, dude. I still am everything that I ever was, and I'm just getting started. You want to make it to the history books? Fine. After I beat you twice in one night in the process of capturing my first Defiance title, you'll be a footnote at the bottom of my page, glanced at for just a second and acknowledged with a raise of the brow or a nod of interest, maybe even an "oh yeah, I kind of remember that guy" if you're real lucky. But you won't be.

[He begins to get up and move toward the laptop, but stops short.]

Python:

By the way, raw Python meat has been known to contain high levels of mercury. So you might want to watch out for that, asshole.  
   

[A mouse click. Video and audio out.]

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