[Python stands alone in a studio room with a white backdrop. He holds a thin black pointer stick in his left hand and looks solemnly into the camera.]

Python:
I want to take a second to speak to all of my fellow wrestlers out there. Guys and gals... I want to lay this out because I know you can relate. You know that one opponent you run into every once in a while? The one where you just look at them on your screen and you listen to what they're saying and you just have this ridiculous... I don't know, I guess visceral kind of reaction... where it's like, you know that they suck and you know that they aren't really worth the trouble of picking apart the things that they said and you know you shouldn't be wasting your breath trying to call them all the names that you want to call them and making all the points that you want to make because they're either too dumb to too stubborn to get them? And you feel all these feelings of anger and annoyance and pity and helplessness and you have all these responses bubbling in your chest like hot water in a kettle and you just want to scream "YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY REALLY MAKING ENOUGH SENSE TO LEGITIMATELLY OFFEND ME, I'M JUST MAD BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID!"

Well, I'm dealing with one of those this week and instead of banging my head  against the wall trying to figure out how to insult him in a way that matters, I've decided to organize my all of my little frustrations with him into big, generalized grievances and deliver them in the form of a presentation. Chance von Crank, I made this for you. I hope you enjoy this personal, presentational walkthrough of... "All the Things That You Are" by Python.

[He pushes a button on his pointer and points it dramatically at a space to his left, where a large white projection screen falls dramatically from the ceiling and displays the title of his presentation.]

Python:
For starters, I'll ease us in gently with an issue I've already mentioned but haven't really delved into much detail with.

[He pushes the pointer button again and the image on the screen changes.]

CLICK

Python:
Dude... you're fucking stupid. You just are. I know it, you know it, your mom knows it. The second you were born, she looked at you and was like "Fuck, this kid is going to be stupid. I'm going to name him Chance von Crank." This is one of those things that I don't really feel I need to give specific examples of to justify, it just kind of "is" or it "isn't". But for argument's sake, I'll point out that you told me (with a completely straight face) that my mouth is writing checks my ass can't cash. Which I believe is a lyric from a fucking Limp Bizkit song. Point made, I think. And what's more, if you honestly think that the things I've accomplished in the past bear no relevance to whether or not I'm going to kick your ass at Untouchable, you're even stupider than that haircut makes you look.

Speaking of that haircut... I hate to break it to you, Cranky, but you are absolutely, unquestionably...

CLICK

Python:
Face it. You're a fucking disaster. Look in the mirror! Look at your mustache. Look at your clothes. Listen to yourself talk, really take a second to think about the words as they're coming out of your mouth. How do you take yourself seriously? Do you think anyone else takes you seriously? Cause they don't. If you were to die right now, what would you have to show for yourself? Who the fuck are you? What, a second-rate wrestler who's done nothing, impressed no one, annoyed and/or grossed out everyone, playing straight-to-DVD movie star on the side. You call yourself a "real star"? Shit, man. You're a joke. And you can beat up all the homeless men you want, but you don't scare anyone. Let alone me. Take your ass whooping this week, get your shit together, and come see me again when your fairy godmother waves her magic wand and turns you into that real star, Pinocchio. Until then, you are...

CLICK

Python:
Yup. Completely. I'm going to spend maybe two or three minutes in the ring mopping up A God Damn Mess at Retaliation. I'll never get those minutes back. Thanks a fucking lot, dude. But hey, I'm glad to be back and doing what I love to do and giving the fans what they love to see, no matter who the opponent is. So all's not lost. And the battle royal is obviously going to be a blast and completely epic, but more on that later. First, I want to discuss why you're...

CLICK

Python:
I mean... I don't think you really have much room to argue on this one. You might even be proud of it. I can't really tell. Regardless, the evidence is airtight. I'd like to revisit your mustache and submit it as Exhibit A. Furthermore, your nickname is The Trailer Park Prodigy, you say things like "Chocolate Star Fish Chaser" (again with the Limp Bizkit... and also, what the fuck?),  you "act" in "movies", you kill animals to make ineffective points, you pee on their corpses and burn them, you conspire with homeless men and then hit them. You're a steaming piece of shit. Not to mention completely...

CLICK

Python:
...because you called me gay and then showed me your weiner. Now I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that makes you...

CLICK

Python:
And for the record, that "python" of yours looked more like an inchworm. A-thank you, that'll be all.

CLICK

[The projection screen goes blank and rolls not-so-dramatically back up into the ceiling with a couple of sputters. Python gives it a sideways glance, ignoring it for now and perhaps making a mental note to fix it later.]

Python:
In conclusion... am I worried about Chance von Crank? No. Will I prepare my hardest for my singles match with him and treat it with the same respect I'd give to a main event title match? Hell yes. Because I'm a professional, and because I love what I do with all my heart. And the belief that I have the potential to do it better than anyone in the world is the spark that makes me jump a little higher, move a little faster, hit a little harder.  I plan on taking home my first Defiance title at Untouchable, knowing full well I'm going to have to go through some dangerous talent to get it. But I've got my eye on the big picture. This title is not the first rung in my climb back up the ladder, but the first ladder in my climb back up the hill. Lash Graham is a hell of an athlete. I've got a lot to learn from watching and being in the ring with Jeremy Knyte, Tucker Alston's work ethic and sheer will to be great are forces to be reckoned with, and Sam Turner is capable of more than probably even he realizes. But on this night, they'll all fall short. Not for lack of deserving the title... but for lack of stepping up and taking it when the time comes.  I've got a lot of eyes on me in this match and I know it. I know they'll be gunning for me and I'm prepared for it. But let me tell you something right now. You can stack every sonofabitch in that ring against me. Wear me down. Put me through hell.

[He leans in close to the camera, his eyes burning into the frame.]

Python:
But I'm leaving Untouchable with the Southern Heritage title.

[Palm in the camera.]

KZZTTT!

[Blackness.]

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