Whoo!

I gets anudd'r shot at 'at ole J'mmy Kort belt 'at Chance von Crank's holdin onta tightly. I ain't b'leavin he thanks he's gunna keep 'at ole title much longer. He's jus an ole so an so of a jerk. I'mma gunna pow'rbomb an pin ya shouldees ta tha mat so quick ya shake n bake meth d'luded mind'll spin like a top.

Tha only part 'at I like bout 'is match is 'at ole Tuck'r Alson is in it. I jus best not be leavin tha loser again. If it happ'ns well 'ats it. I jus may ret're from tha ring ferev'r. Naw, now I cain't be doin 'at.

'At fool thanks he's all great an big an bad but he ain't bad. Lash ain't bad. Chance sur'ly ain't bad, but as fer me; I'm bad as they come, well kindly. I'll open ya can up wiff ma bare hands, an by ya can I means ya head.

I still owes Lash 'at trip ta Chuck E. Cheese, an I plan ta pay up whenev'r we's up ta it. I kindly hate ta have 'is ole match wiff Lash since I'm happy 'at he tossed 'at turd Tuck'r over tha top. He was ma hero fer bout two er three minutes.

Tha fact is 'at I gots three fellas 'at I gets ta hurt jus ta win 'at ole J'mmy Kort title from Chance. I'mma come in wiff 'at title title on ma mind. 'En I'm gunna walk out wiff it an show tha world 'at tha Redne'k Recker ain't na easy pushov'r. I'll shows ya how a real counrty boy gets tha job done in an outta tha ring.

Y'all fellas don realize I'mma ring gen'ral now do ya? I can help y'all wiff 'at dishon'r'ble disch'rge, an I ain't meanin 'at stuff Chance brings back from tha trail'r park, he got 'at bad clap...er crap whickev'r is is. He don been ta so many hos howses 'at aids research'rs calls him fer help ta cure tha dise'se. 'Ey cain't fig're out how he keeps on bypassin it from all 'em ole ne'dle junk'es he fools round wiff.

In all hon'sty I like ole Chance, I kindly wish I's in his shoes a couple times. Once of co'rse was winnin tha battle royal. Tha other was atter a show he gives 'is chick a baggie of sugar an she went right ta his downstairs an goin at it like it was a goin outta style. I gots ta fig're out what brand 'at sugar was an how much ta put in tha bag so I can have a few rumbles in tha backyard taa.

Now if ole Kim hear'd ma talkin like 'is she'd be a mite pissed off an prolly try ta castr'te ma. I'd have ta move close ta Virginee Tech an be wiff all 'em other Hokies, once ya castr'ted ya need all tha fri'nds ya can get.

Kim's a fisty one 'ats fersure. I don rekon I chould a gets a bett'r girly 'an Kim. I know she's been round a few blocks an tra'ns as she says but I loves her any ole way. She's good ta me an she does thangs wiff her tongue 'ats amazin an feels better an warm apple pie.

Sheeshk.

All 'at talk bout Kim don made ma trousers a lil tight'r...anyway, I'mma get even wiff Chance. He stol'd ma thunder an 'ats tha kinda stuff 'em ole city folks try ta do. 'At right 'ere proves Chance ain't a real country boy, he's a pos'r an I'mma prove it ta tha world.

More Propaganda | View Samuel Tiberius Turner the Second's Biography