[HOOKERS AND BLOW!]

[Hookers and Blow, my friend.]

[What it is, Personality 72?]

[It is what it is, Personality 27.]

[So the big, black, chocolate daddy came up aces against Heidi Christensen.]

[Dude, pause man, pause.]

[Chocolate daddy a bit too much?]

[Yes and yes, indeed he did. Planted her like she’s never been before.]

[I’m sure Mr. Andrews has tried and failed.]

[Quite the possibility, yes. Hey, what’s with being all formal, his ass got terminated.]

[You never know, you know? He could be listening... and waiting.]

[I’m sure Personality 1 can handle any sort of heat that he would even consider bringing.]

[Yeah well, if he comes for us, I am hiding behind you.]

[Fair enough. Let’s get on with it.]

[Yes, lets.]

[Hey! Why do I have to be your personal meat shield?]

[Too late, you already agreed.]

[Damnit.]

[Up.]

[Welcome back to the program kiddies!]

[SFX -- YAY!!]

[Our friend and returning hero of the darkened persuasion is somewhere between Seattle and Los Angeles, in a little town called Who the Fuck Knows on the intersection of Gives and No Fucks. Look it up, it’s there.]

[He, and therefore, we are at some dive of a roadside motel. Man this brings back memories of days gone bye. Times of simplicity before the age of fame and fortune that lead our intrepid leader to a life of luxury.]

[Seedy motels in bad neighborhoods. Ah yes, who can forget those days? Days at these fleabag fuck ‘em and chuck ‘em establishments for $39.99 a night. The sort of places where you could stash your recently kidnapped rivals wife and corrupt her so absolutely that you brought a heroic institution such as Mike Bell crumbling to the ground to mingle with the rest of the dirtbags of society.]

[Yes. Good times.]

[That’s where Tyrone Walker is on this fine summer evening. In his room, splayed out on the bed, and naked aside from the pair of random boardshorts that conceal the mythical beast known to many a women around the world as the Blackaconda. The Destroyer of Wombs.]

[In front of him is a dinky motel tv set with Game Six of the NBA Finals filling the otherwise quite interior of Ty's temporary abode.]

[Since we last saw our Dark Savior, Tyrone Walker has been doing what he usually does on a off day.]

[Fuck and all.]

[That’s right folks, this former 936 time this and that champion of the World and other lesser designations is picking right up where he left off some six years ago.]

[Chillin’.]

[Yep. This is the way of a true champion right here. Doing nothing to prepare for the match and then showing up and doing what he does.]

[Winnen dem tattles, nukka!]

[I know what you’re all thinking. “But what about his new found dedication!?” Does he not care already about being back in the game? Are we doomed to be without the Blackness that somehow, in spite of him being only one man, singlehandedly equalizes the balance of color against a crew of almost nothing but dopey as fuck white people?]

[Except for Cancer Jiles, of course. He's not white. He's just the COOL. And therefore transcends such puny mortal confinements.]

[But to answer your question. Absolutely not, my friends! Fear not such worrisome notions of losing our Ebony Evangelist just as fast as he suddenly reappeared to us on that fateful night at DEFIANCE TV 35. For this man is focused, his attention is being paid, and he has most definitely rekindled a fire for the sport that has made him famous and fabulously wealthy.]

[Preach on. Speaking of which.]

Tyrone Walker:
"Yo... I got it!"

[Suddenly he bursts up into a seated position as he has come up with this latest "revelation".]

Ty:
"Hey, Crank."

[HE SPEAKS! THE MAN SPEAKS! SOMEONE HOLD ME!]

[Ty scoots back so that he rests his spine against the wall just behind him at the head of the bed. His left hand reaches out and swipes up a remote and mutes the sound coming from the television. We now have his undivided attention.]

Ty:
"What up, homie?"

[One of them "sup" head nods, it happens.]

Ty:
"Y'know this is kinda weird for me, what wit' me payin' attention an' all. Y'see, this is where I'd normally be pretendin' that I don't even know who you are, don't care who you are, an' ain't the least bit interested in what you've been up to. I'd jus' resort to droppin' a knowledge bomb on you, talkin' 'bout how you suck, mostly 'cause this promo shit gets in the way of my day to day of doin' whatever random nonsense that happens to be more important than this "rasslin" shit."

[Light bulb.]

Ty:
"But, since I've started to pay attention to what's goin' on wit' this three ring circus of chaos, I've found all of these oddities. I mean, who knew, right? Who knew that if you actually stopped and looked around, you'd find a veritable treasure trove of entertainment jus' by payin' a lil' attention to your fellow freaks of society that inhabit this here "rasslin" promotion."

[A tilt of the head and shrug of the brow.]

Ty:
"Then again, this is Dane's baby, so he'd only have the best. That might have somethin' to do wit' it, I mean, I've been lookin' on for a bit an' what do y'know? There are actually some interestin' mothafuckas trollin' around here."

[Yet again, a "who knew" look crosses Blackimus Prime's face.]

Ty:
"Which brings me back around to you, Crank."

[Turning his neck causes an audible popping sound before he continues.]

Ty:
"I know everybody around here is supposed to be hatin' on you. To most people you're not jus' some piece of white trash from Kentucky, you're an entire landfill of trash filled with the aborted babies of meth addicted hookers. Not me though."

[Shakes his head.]

Ty:
"Nah, nah man, I like you, dude. You and your trainwreck of a life is like the greatest tv show goin' on right now. I mean, think about it, homie. It's like the Real Housewives fucked Jersey Shore and moved that shit from the hills of Beverly back over to the hills of Kentucky."

"Seriously, how can I hate on that?"

[Pauses for an answer.]

Ty:
"Wit' you and your life of redneck drama, a reality junkie connoisseur like myself has everything I could ever need in a show of fucked up, broken lives. So, thanks for the entertainment, dude, 'cause it's the funniest thing goin' on nowadays."

[Yes. He is in fact totally serious.]

Ty:
"I gots to be honest wit'ya tho', Crank, I'm jus' hopin' some shit pops off, I'm hopin' Turner and that box o' rocks woman of your's shows up. I won't even get involved, I'll jus' sit back wit' Angus and Keebs and start up some runnin' commentary as the redneck ho down ensues. I mean, hey, y'know what's better than watchin' it all unfold from a distance? Actually gettin' to see it up close an' personal, which is what I'll be doin' when it's time for you an' I to get our violence on."

"I wonder if it's a boy or a girl?"

[Looking off to a random spot of the room, he contemplates this for a moment. A slight tinge of sadness overcomes him as he realizes he'll have to wait at least nine months to find out the answer to this intriguing plot twist in his new favorite show.]

[The Fucked Up Life and Times of Chance Von Crank.]

[Anyway, back to reality.]

Ty:
"Speakin' of gettin' our violence on, Crank. Since I like you an' all, an' you've givin' me so much already, I figure I need to help you out, playa. I mean, wit' all the laughs you've already provided me, I jus' feel like I need to give you a helpin' hand an' shit. So what does a nigga like me do for a neon white, honky mothafucka like you? I've been rackin' my brain tryin' for the last lil' bit to think of something, anything, I mean, how can I pay you back for all that you givin' me?"

[Again, waits for an answer.]

Ty:
"An' then it hit me. Wit' all this drama risin' up around you, it occurred to me that maybe what you need is a lil' stress takin' off your hands. So, y'know what I'mma do for you, Crank? Jus' 'cause I like you an' shit, I'm willin' to do this out of the "goodness" of my heart."

[INHALE.]

Ty:
"Now what I'mma do here is, I'll jus' go 'head an' take that 20 pound burden of leather and gold off of your shoulder y'know, so you can focus on what really needs your attention an' shit."

[Ty puts his hands up, as if he's blocking a potential protest of his "good will" gesture.]

Ty:
"I know, I know, I'mma good dude like that. Maybe for other mothafuckas out there, it'd be too much to take on and I admit it... It'll be a tough job to take on, at first, but after all you've given me? Shoot, that's the least I can do for you and it's a "sacrifice" I'm willin' to make in these tryin' times."

[Reaching over, grabbing a black tee shirt and pulls it on. Smoothing it out, he reveals #teamCVC on the front in white, block lettering stretched over the chest. With a grin, he balls his right hand up into a fist and beats his chest in a show of "solidarity" for his "friend" and opponent, DEFIANCE Southern Heritage Champion, Chance Von Crank.]

Ty:
"Don't worry, I got you, homie."

[Out.]

[Which side are you on? That homewrecking "sumbitch" Sam Turner Jr? Or are you a loyal follower of the Trailer Park Prodigy, Chance Von Crank? Show your support by getting your very own #teamCVC or #teamSTJ tee shirt, in white OR black, only on the DEFIANCE webstore for $19.99!]

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