Title: Thank God For Google
Featuring: Eugene Dewey
Date: 06/27/12
Location: Buffalo, Wyoming

“Unfortunately I don’t sprechen sie French.”

Eugene Dewey’s chubby cheeks almost filled the small open window on his monitor as he spoke to his webcam. He looked slightly uncomfortable as he clicked his mouse a couple of times and started browsing up and down the page he’d just opened.

“What I had to do was transcribe LaLiberte’s video into google translate. I’m not sure I got all the spelling right though.” Eugene said nervously as he placed his index finger against his screen and traced along the page. “The whole ‘listen’ feature really helped though, so I think I got the jist of what he was saying.”

“First of all, while my sex life is none of your business, Michel, I would never have sex with a chicken.” Eugene said extremely defensively, possibly even on the verge of tears, “I don’t know where you heard that rumour, but it was just that. A rumour. Started by some guy in the grade below me after that South Park episode aired. Just because I spent a lot of time in the library doesn’t mean I sleep, or slept, with chickens!”

He took a couple of seconds to compose himself before continuing.

“But if ‘getting laid’ were the deciding factor in the ring, I’d imagine Pete Whealdon and Rich Mahogany would be a teensy bit higher than they are right now over on Evolution.” He said with a wry smile, “You on the other hand, having struck out more times than...”

He paused to click on something else on his monitor.

“Mario Mendoza... apparently, would probably be in the exact same spot you are now.”

“Ok, so I don’t know baseball either, you got me.” Eugene conceded, “ And to tell the truth, I’m not interested in personal attacks either. I’d rather deal in cold hard facts, like the ones you alluded to, and there’s one that I’d really like to point out.”

“You know, how I’m so much further ahead of you in the rankings? That one?” He said happily, how anyone could not feel joy at holding that advantage over somebody he didn’t know.

“I never considered that I’d be in fourth place before this thing started, but somehow here I am. And the closer and closer we get to the end, the more and more realistic it feels that I can reach the playoffs.” He said with an air of self confidence, “I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve stumbled a couple of times down the road, but I’ve picked myself up, dusted myself down and come back stronger than before.”

Eugene looked down at his desk slightly ashamed at what he’d just admitted, but as we all know, admission is the first step to recovery.

Wait, isn’t that twelve-stepping?

“I’ve had my character tested, both by people closest to me and those not so close, this week notwithstanding.” He said, obviously alluding to the incentive handed to him on the last episode of Heritage TV, “I’ve disposed of that little present, by the way, Cancer. Thanks for that, it really helped me sort a lot out in my head. Everything’s clearer now, I know what I want and I think I know how to get it.”

Eugene smiled as though to tell the world he was proud of himself and confident in his abilities for the first time in a long while.

“And the person blocking my path to the next step is none other Michel LaLiberte. So, Michael, Let me say this in a language you might understand.” He said as he read slowly, and phonetically, from his screen, “Apress que Patrimoine sept ans, vous allez etre mangee Poutine a travers une paille, je vais massurer de lui. Parce que je ne vais pas vous laisser etre le seul a se tenir entre moi et les maitres de la couronne de lutte...”

“Comprende?”



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