Hello.

My name is Sam Horry.

[Cue to shot of Sam's thumbs up cheesy grin pose.]

I've been a lot of things in my life.  I've been a Vale Tudo fighter--champion, actually; I've been an enforcer for a branch of the Yakuza that has ties to a secret society bent on forcing Armageddon to arrive so they can purge the earth and remake it in their own image.  

[Cue in shot of Sam in black leather jacket, black t-shirt, and black slacks, with black shades and his trademark scowl.]

(Yeah, really.)

I may or may not be the actual vessel that actually brings about said Armageddon.

[Cue in shot of Sam with a manaical grin, and eyes radiating an indigo glow.]

(Don't even get me started on that.)

I've been a father, I've been a lover--Okay THE lover, depending on which chick you ask--I've been feared, I've been poor, I've been shot, I've been a thief, and I've even been a high-school cheerleader.

[Cue in shot of Sam doing a jumping split-legged toe touch, with fellow cheerleaders looking at him with hearts aflutter.]

(Good times.)

I'd say though that the one thing that I am that I'm associated with being the most, is a wrestler.  And if I do say so myself, a really good one.  Some say it's a lifestyle tailor-made for me.  With everything I've done and have been in my life, I have to say the wrestler lifestyle provides the most adventure.

[Cue in shot of Sam and Ryan doing "the Robot" with another fellow doing "the Robot while also on fire.]

(Yakuza lifestyle being number two, followed surprisingly by high-school cheerleader at a close number 3.)

See the wrestler lifestyle allows me to be a lot of things that--more times than not--change from week to week, hell, from day to day.  And here's the thing: it's totally random, completely spontaneous.

Case in point, what I am right now:

Naked.

As in the day I was born.

[Cue in current shot of Sam sprawled out, unconscious and naked with a black, 'Censored' bar from underneath his stomach to about mid thigh covering up his--ahem--goods.]

What have I gotten myself into now?

<_*_>

He stumbled to his feet, trying to get his bearings.  Sam’s sense of touch, already in play told him that not only was he naked, but he was cold as in ice cold  His hearing came back next, as he not only heard but felt an ice cold crumble underneath his feet.  It was a strain, but he opened his eyes and groggily surveyed the room.

“Ice...it figures.”  He said as he looked around at the icy floor..  The well carpeted floor had an outline of a perfectly symmetrical ice angel--7 or 8 inches deep--which he stepped out of.  “Wow, that’s mad ice; am...am I in a hotel?  Why is it so hard to concentrate?

When Sam heard the door open, he instinctively wanted to get in his fight stance but his exhausted body failed him. .  Lucky for him, it wasn’t danger, it was a friend; his agent and erstwhile lawyer and ex:

“Jeanie?”  

“Well I guess your back isn’t on fire anymore.  Look at all that ice on the floor, you how much I’m gonna have to pay in water dam--whythehellisthereacougarsleepinginthefugginbed?!”  Jeanie pointed with a frightened gasp.

Sam responded by saying the name of his favorite Asiana flight pilot.  “Ho Lee Fuk!”

“What did you do tonight?!”  She reprimanded..  “I can’t turn my back on you at all can I?!”

“Okay, so I guess me and you didn’t….”

Not wanting to dignify his statement with a response, Jeanie tossed him a pair of black sweatpants and a black tanktop.  “Put this on, and lets get out of here before…”

Spoiling their getaway was the hotel manager and a luggage attendant holding an ice pack to his right eye.

“Excuse me, there have been reports of a commotion by a naked man who assaulted my attendant here, and made off with ice that was to be used to replenish the ice machine, claiming that his back was on fire..”  The hotel manager said.

“Sir, that’s the guy.”  The attendant pointed.

“Okay, Carlos.  Now sir,I know that you wrestlers like to have alot of fun...”  The hotel manager began as he looked into Sam’s eyes, then he surveyed the room.  “What the--is that a cougar?!”

“That’d be our cue.”  Sam pushed past the manager and attendant taking Jeanie with him.

After turning the corner, a still groggy Sam ran into the door for the stairwell.  Jeanie opened the door and pulled him through, miraculously making it down the stairs without incident.  When they made it to the lobby they tried to remain as inconspicuous as possible.

They tried not to imagine prison life when they saw the police officer talking to a front office clerk.

“Ma’am we have reports of a naked African American male last seen driving away from the Laugh Shack over on Tilden St.-- in that red sedan so neatly parked on two wheels against the outside pillar over there--has entered your hotel.”  A cop said with authority.

“I don’t know.”  The clerk shrugged her shoulders as Sam and Jeanie strode out from the lobby without drawing any attention to themselves.  “My shift just started, maybe I could put you through to my supervisor?”

Meanwhile outside, Jeanie snaked her way into the driver seat.  Conveniently or luckily the keys were still in the ignition as Jeanie put the car in reverse, dropping it back to its conventional stance.  Sam got in the car.

“Ok first off, how did you drive and park a car on two wheels!”  Jeanie roared.”  Second, you still haven’t explained to me about the cougar; and who’s friggin’ car is this?!”

“I have no idea, Jeanie.”  Sam groaned.  “I can’t--can’t remember anything.”

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