Title: The Morning After (Pill)
Featuring: H n B
Date: Roughly a day after HNB vanquished the forces of evil...
Location: Vancouver (Dramatic Pause) British Columbia, CANADA
Setting: The Palace Suite in an unnamed high end hotel.
[Throbbing, aching...]
[Pretty much the entirety of Ryan Matthews’ existence was summed up by those two words as he opened his eyes to greet a very bright morning. The blankets on the couch he was laying on were in a state of disarray, as were his clothes, or at least the boxers and t-shirt he was wearing...]
Matthews:
Fuck, another night going without...what the fuck does a guy gotta do...?
Sam:
You might try NOT talkin to yourself there brah. Chicks don’t dig dudes who hear voices and talk to them and shit, ya dig?
[Ah yes, Sam Horry, up and at ‘em early and sitting at the kitchen table of the palatial suite munching on a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. With a very audible groan, Matthews lays his head back down, but goes to adjusting himself to keep from showing the world, and his trios championship partners the goods.]
Matthews:
And maybe I shouldn’t ever play wingman to you again Sam. Remember that one time?
Sam:
Yeah, the chick at the bowling alley whose friend I was trying to scoop up, and no Ryan, she was not 387 pounds.
Ryan:
You’re right, it was closer to 400. And no, I’m never letting you live that down.
Sam:
Says the guy with three ex wives, all of whom I told him to stay away from. You’re welcome for that advice by the way, too bad your dumb ass don’t listen.
Ty:
Ya know, y’all two argue like a married couple sometimes I swear. You’d think I couldn’t get any muh’fuckin’ sleep at all with you two bitchin’ at each other.
[Enter Blackimus Prime himself, Tyrone Walker, stage left, from one of the bedrooms of the suite, dressed in a white hoodie and matching track pants. He takes a seat at the table with his cousin, then realizes after a second that Sam didn’t get him a bowl for cereal or milk, or silverware. He gets up and walks to the nearby cupboards and rustles up the bowl and silverware before getting the milk and bringing it to the table. He pours the cereal, then the milk before taking a huge swig straight from the jug. When he brings the jug down he sees both Ryan and Sam looking at him incredulously.]
Ty:
The fuck y’all two lookin’ at?
Ryan:
Good thing I PLANNED to go to McDonald’s for breakfast...
[With that, Ryan gets up and exits stage right. Meanwhile Sam continues to look at Ty, almost mean mugging him.]
Ty:
The fuck’s the problem cuz?
Sam:
Are you really that ig’nant? What if I wanna have seconds mang?
Ty:
Meh, fuck it, I ain’t got no diseases or nothin.
Sam:
That we know of...
[Just then, Ryan re-enters, a cup of coffee in his one hand and a glazed donut in the other.]
Ryan:
Ah the glory of high end hotels, a breakfast bar in the lounge on the high floors and...
[Just then Ryan looks at his coffee and a look of consternation comes across his face. He looks at his coffee, then at the milk jug Ty just drank out of, then back at his coffee...]
Ryan:
Guess I’ll just have to drink it black...
Sam:
You say that like bein’ black is a bad thing...
Ryan:
Who the fuck flipped your hostility switch this morning? If you’re that hung over take your ass back to bed and wake up on the right side…
Sam:
I ain’t hung over brah, I just didn’t get none last night. Speaking of which, why the hell you sleepin on the couch? There are three bedrooms...
Ty:
That’s a good muh’fuckin question...
Ryan:
Other door was locked for most of the night.
Ty:
The fuck? Who was in there?
[Just as Ryan drew in a breath to answer, the door to the closest room in the suite, the one the boombox was sitting next to opens slowly and, clad in a red velvet smoking jacket and a pair of black pajama pants, with a cigarette hanging limply from one corner of his mouth, Pinis 2000 emerges. He moves the cigarette to the center of his mouth before taking a long drag, then blowing the smoke out through his nostrils with his eyes closed. He then opens his eyes slowly and looks at the trio at the nearby breakfast table and says two simple words, very slowly.]
Pinis:
Cancerrrrr Jiiiiiiles....
[The DEFIANCE Trios champions look at him with a questioning look. He then leans over and presses a button on the boombox and immediately “I Just Had Sex” by Lonely Island and Akon begins playing as Pinis does the “clown walk” to the bathroom before kicking the door shut. Hookers N Blow scramble to their feet and rush to the door of the bedroom he just came out of.]
[The womanly form in the bed isn’t able to be seen by us, the audience, however, the members of Hookers N Blow see her and all three take in a deep breath.]
Ty:
No...
Sam:
Fuckin...
Ry:
Way...Sam...are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Sam:
I think so Ry...and you’re right, if Jimmy really did crack corn and nobody cared, why make a song about it?
Ry: [Shakes his head for a moment]
No...we just might be totally fucked. I’m talking elephant dick in the ass no reach around jungle....
Ty:
We ain’t fucked mang....if anybody is, HE is.
Sam:
Actually cuz, looks more like SHE is...
[The three of them look back to the form in the bed and look at each other for a second...]
Ry, Sam and Ty:
HIYOOOOOO!
[Just then, Ryan’s cell phone starts ringing, sitting as it is on the table next to the couch, he quickly moves over there and picks it up.]
Ryan:
Hello?
Voice on Phone:
Is this Mr. Ryan Matthews in room 1449?
Ryan:
Depends on who’s asking...
Voice:
Mr. Matthews this is the front desk calling. A couple representatives from the local Experimental Wildlife Preserve are here to take back the liger that you rented for the night. Also Mr. Matthews I’m afraid that due to our no pet policy you will be forfeiting your $5,000 retainer on the room.
Ryan:
WHOA! Let’s not get too hasty about not refunding that retainer and...wait a minute...did you say...LIGER?
[Just then, a shriek of terror is heard from the same bathroom Pinis entered moments earlier.]
Pinis 2000:
HHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The door opens and Pinis rushes out, only to be pounced on by the biggest jungle cat hybrid any of the men in the apartment had ever seen.]
Matthews:
Um yeah, about that, send the guys up here, and likely we’re gonna need a cleaning crew, tell them to double time it.
[With that, Matthews hung up the phone with the press of a button. Sam, Ty and Ryan fully expected to see their skinny ninja like comrade turned into a kitty toothpick by that point, however the large cat seemed content to pin the much smaller human down and was now licking his face with a tongue that was about 2 sheets of paper wide.]
Horry:
See? And y’all got mad at me when I had the damn cougar this summer.
Matthews:
Yeah, that was all on account of you eating lit brownies I specifically said, ‘don’t eat.’ I mean I thought English was only supposed to be Jeanie’s second language.
[ Meanwhile in a combination of terror and more terror, feeling as he was being tenderized, Pinis squealed.]
Pinis:
HEIDI! HEIDI HEIDI! HEIDIIIII!!!!!!!
[Now you have to remember this is the man who only seems to be able to use other people’s names to express anything...but you can probably imagine what he would be saying, and that’s what makes this scene nothing short of hilarious. Just then the woman who was in the bedroom moments earlier entered, throwing on a shirt. She stepped toward the liger and shouted.]
Woman:
Samson NO! LET HIM UP!
[The liger stopped, then looked at the woman, then back at Pinis, then back at her. She takes another, very forceful step toward the large cat.]
Woman:
I said...LET.HIM.UP!
[The Liger, now known to us as Samson, slowly backs away from the smaller man, who scrambles to his feet and backs away toward the woman.]
Sam:
Is anybody else finding this extremely hot?
[Ty and Ryan both look at Sam like he has two heads...]
Sam:
I mean HER, ordering that big cat around and...whoa wait a minute. She was the one who...
Ryan:
Yeah she was the one in the room just now Sam, good job putting that together Sherlock.
Sam:
Elementary, Mr. Asshole. Elementary.
[Back to the important part of this exchange, the mystery woman, clad only in a t-shirt, summons the large jungle cat and when she leans over to pet the large cat, Sam leans over backward slightly trying to “catch a peek”, only to have Ryan take a slide step to the side and swing his right leg back BEHIND him and kick Sam in the back of the leg. This leaves Sam looking daggers at his longtime friend before looking to Pinis, who is now getting up off the floor slowly, pointing to the mystery woman and mouthing the words “good work Piney, way to go buddy”.]
Mystery Woman:
That’s a good boy Samson. Now sit and I’ll be right back with something for you.
[That said, she turns, then walks to the kitchen of the suite and comes back with a large unthawed steak from the fridge. She then places that in front of the large cat, who hungrily goes to work on it. The woman then turns to the three members of Hookers and Blow.]
Woman:
Oh shit, sorry guys, I didn’t mean to...
Sam:
Nah hey, don’t worry...
Ty:
No really it’s not...
Ryan:
What I think my two esteemed colleagues are trying to say is that there’s nothing to apologize for. Just more than a few questions that I think need answered is all..
Woman:
Right. About all this...
[She’s cut off by the two guys from the Experimental Preserve who come through the suite door in a hurry looking ready to restrain the liger.]
Woman:
Alright guys, be easy with him, the situation is under control...
[One of the employees recognizes her.]
Employee:
Michelle? Are you serious? What are you doing here?
Michelle:
I was on my week’s vacation, just started yesterday when I left work.
Employee:
Have fun with that, especially after the higher ups hear about this...
[That’s when Matthews makes it a point to step between her, Pinis, and this particular employee, he then gathers both of the men in question and while we can’t hear what’s going on, Matthews obviously is plying his charms and probably threatening these two and maybe a payoff or two is going on. After a couple minutes they return to what they were here for with nary another word. After they’ve shuffled out the door and taken the liger with them in the gentlest manner possible (after all, we at Hookers and Blow don’t want PETA breathing down our necks), the woman, now known as Michelle, turns to Matthews and her eyes narrow.]
Michelle:
What was that all about?
Matthews:
Well, I thought that one guy was kinda making it plain he was going to try to get you fired. And because you saved our good buddy Pinis from almost certain death, I did you a favor and I made it clear to him that an extra hundred for him and hundred for his partner there were going to buy their silence reguarding you being here. And if that wasn’t enough, I told him I’d set both of them on fire and let the liger eat the barbequed remains...
[She looks at him, aghast, meanwhile Sam is chuckling.]
Sam:
You still a sick muh’fucker Ryan, that’s why you my dude.
Ty:
A’ight, let’s get down to the nitty gritty of this fuckin situation. How the fuck did we get here?
[The entire group looks at each other and...]
[The rest will be covered in the ensuing episodes of Hookers and Blow theater...next up, The Night Of...(Chapter 1)]
